07:52:49 Good morning. I want to talk to you about fear of failure. So I was talking to a friend recently and
07:52:55 We were having a whole conversation. I was like, oh my gosh, this is exactly what I wanted to talk about. I just didn't really have all of my thoughts put together quite yet. So I wanted to share her story for sure. And it's something that you all will relate to.
07:53:11 Anybody who's tried to lose weight.
07:53:13 has had some fear of failure. We're doing something that we aren't normally doing. We're doing things in a way that we don't normally do them.
07:53:21 And it's scary. It's intimidating.
07:53:23 And so we latch on to the next diet, the next method of how to lose weight.
07:53:29 Because they must know something I don't know. That's what we think. And so we're going to try to do it exactly the way they said because we want to get out of our discomfort, our overweight discomfort as fast as we can.
07:53:42 And so what happens is we try to
07:53:47 do all or nothing. We do all the steps. We do them all perfect. We do them all at once.
07:53:53 And it leaves us miserable, absolutely miserable. And so in the past, we have
07:53:58 stop doing the steps. We've stopped doing all that restriction, all those like step-by-step, very specific, again, all or nothing type of things.
07:54:08 And when we stop, it leaves us more afraid. So now you can see we have cycles of fear. We have fear that we don't know how to do it. So we need to find somebody. We have fear that we're not doing that right. So then we have to stop. We have so much fear. It just keeps cycling again and again and again.
07:54:24 And so…
07:54:26 I was talking to a friend and she was telling me about some birthday cake. And I was like, this is exactly what I need to share with you so that
07:54:35 It is going to hit home in a way that you're like, that has happened to me so many times, so many ways.
07:54:42 So what I do different in my program, I build habits. That's my approach. I build habits. I build love and confidence, lots of compassion.
07:54:54 So that you can do this forever.
07:54:56 Because what happens is when we're so afraid that we're going to mess it up, then we start restricting so that we make sure that we follow all those rules perfectly. And we're human. We can't.
07:55:06 So then we make mistakes and when we make mistakes, we feel like failures and it just the cycle goes on and on and on. So we are going to shift our focus. We're going to shift it from messing up
07:55:16 to progress. We're going to shift it from shame and guilt and fear to love and compassion and curiosity.
07:55:25 And that's how I help people.
07:55:27 We're going to stop all that all or nothing thinking. Okay. So what I want to talk to you about is my friend. So she was telling me about how, like, and she's
07:55:36 pretty successful with weight loss
07:55:39 And she's lost most of her weight and it's kind of trickled down to this
07:55:43 last little bit. And so she gets frustrated too, trying to figure things out, feeling pretty good, figuring out like
07:55:50 how her food's going to look from time to time.
07:55:53 She still talks about sugar in a very like bad way. And I don't teach good food, bad food. I teach that all foods are good.
07:56:02 Some of them we just don't need in our body quite as often. They're more reactive. And so sugar is one of those for her.
07:56:08 But sometimes how she talks about it is still that it's
07:56:13 not allowed. I can't have it very often. But how she says it is it's a bad food. And so she doesn't use the word bad. She just uses it as in like, oh yeah, not very often.
07:56:24 So she's telling me this story about how she's eating birthday cake with a coworker. And so her work has birthday cakes brought in for each coworker.
07:56:34 She was telling me about how she overate the cake and she was very disappointed in herself.
07:56:39 And she was trying to figure this out. So as we're talking, like it is coming out that
07:56:46 like she only lets herself have birthday cake. She doesn't have cake any other time. It's only for birthdays.
07:56:53 The other thing she said was.
07:56:55 that she says, oh, I told myself at tomorrow so-and-so's birthday, so I'm going to have a few bites of birthday cake.
07:57:02 So now she's told herself that she allows birthday cake, but it's only going to be a few bites.
07:57:09 So then when she comes time to actually have the birthday cake, can you imagine what happens?
07:57:13 I'm sure you can because it's happened to all of us.
07:57:17 We want the birthday cake and we know this is the only time we're going to be able to have it.
07:57:22 So we eat extra and we eat more than we say we're going to have.
07:57:27 So breaking this down with her, it was so much fun to hear because my brain did this.
07:57:32 So many of my clients brains do this. And so it is
07:57:35 very common and it's very common
07:57:37 so linked to that fear of failure and that we have to do all the steps, the all or nothing and
07:57:43 And how restrictive it all becomes. And that is the main word, restrictive.
07:57:48 And so as I was talking to her.
07:57:51 I just kept thinking like, I know you're telling yourself you can have this.
07:57:56 But you're actually not. You're actually telling yourself, I can't have this. And so I'm going to put a ton of rules on it so that it
07:58:03 It's called conditional permission or pseudo permission because it's not really permission
07:58:10 You are attaching rules and then you're attaching guilt and restriction to having this.
07:58:15 So I can't have cake, but I could only have cake if it's a birthday. And then I can only have a couple bites.
07:58:21 And so then you're like, well, I'm never going to get this again. And like our brain sabotages us because of all of that restriction we put on ourselves. And yes, I help people lose weight.
07:58:31 with eating cake. Let me tell you that to start with.
07:58:35 Oh, goodness. I was so fired up. I didn't even get a shower yet today. I came back from the gym after talking to her and I was like, I need to, I need to share this.
07:58:44 Technically, she's permitting herself or allowing herself to have the cake.
07:58:48 However, she has
07:58:51 triggered a cycle. We were talking about a cycle of fear. Now I'm going to tell you she's
07:58:56 triggered a cycle of internal conflict.
07:59:00 Internal conflict on whether or not she should or shouldn't have it, whether or not she did it in a controlled manner, whether or not she's good or bad by how she had it, how much she had, whether she should even need it or not.
07:59:12 Like it becomes such a morality thing. Like I'm good if I have it or I don't have it. Or if I can restrict, I feel better because now I'm following my diet better.
07:59:21 Girl, it's not better.
07:59:24 The amount of conflict in that woman's head is crazy over some bites of cake.
07:59:30 And so I was talking to her and I'm like, so if you only have it at birthdays, why are you trying to keep it to just a couple bites?
07:59:39 And she said, what do you mean? And so like
07:59:42 you make room for something you really enjoy, something you really want. Like a lot of times if I know I'm going to have something that I'm going to love, I'm like, I'm having it for breakfast because I want to start my day with it.
07:59:52 Or I'm like, I might skip part of my meal or I'm going to leave less of, I'm going to eat less of my meal to have more room for the thing I want. And mine is almost always desserts. I know I've got some savory friends out there, but mine is the sweets. I am a sweet girl too.
08:00:07 And so what she was doing, she's not
08:00:11 physically restricting herself from the cake but
08:00:14 She's mentally and emotionally restricting herself from the cake because of all that extra chatter that she has going on.
08:00:22 And so as she's doing that.
08:00:24 it just creates this cycle of shame and guilt and fear and it just goes again and again and again. And you have to get more restrictive and you have to get more depriving and
08:00:36 You have to do it more perfect and it just bleeds more into that all or nothing. And so no wonder we have not succeeded at diets before because that is not loving. It is not compassionate. It is not sustainable.
08:00:50 And so as I was talking to her, I was like, why do you not want to have cake?
08:00:55 Like, tell me why. And so tell me why
08:00:58 we've had these conversations so many times.
08:01:00 She doesn't want to have cake all the time because it doesn't feel good in her body.
08:01:04 And so some of it is because when we do have it, we haven't learned how to have it. Some people will say like, what I do have it, I have so much and then I feel terrible. Okay, well, can you have a couple bites less? Or what if every time cake was available if you're like, this is going to be a good cake, I'm going to give myself two bites.
08:01:20 You're never going to feel like you're restricted or deprived. I like cake. I have cake. Two bites feels great in my body. I can have it anytime that it's available, two bites.
08:01:31 Or what if you say, I have it like she says, I have it anytime there's birthday cake because birthday cake is special hours. Celebrate with my friend. I want to be a part of it.
08:01:40 And so I'm going to have cake. And so maybe you say
08:01:43 That's a worthy overeat. And so anytime there's a birthday cake, it's a worthy overeat because what there's like
08:01:49 Less than a dozen times a year that you're going to have that.
08:01:53 What if it's that you're like, I'm going to make room for it. I'm going to look forward to the birthday cake and I'm going to make room for it. Like I said.
08:01:59 Maybe I'm skipping lunch to have it with my coworkers because I know the birthday cake's exciting and it's fun and I want to celebrate with her and the birthday cake might be all I have room for that day, but I'm going to have a slice of birthday cake. I'm not going to be like, oh, I can only have two bites.
08:02:13 I'm remembering when I was a teenage girl.
08:02:17 And it was uncool to eat cheeseburgers in front of the guys because we needed to look demure, right? We needed to look thin and in control of our size.
08:02:26 I was a girl who liked the french fries and the cheeseburger. And so I remember thinking I was supposed to eat that way.
08:02:34 But I couldn't because I liked the cheeseburgers. I liked it. And so what I'm saying is.
08:02:39 What if we stop with all the rules of supposed to's and shoulds? What if we think about how loving and compassionate it is?
08:02:46 And so loving and compassionate is not eating an entire cake. Hear me when I say that because
08:02:52 you will feel so terrible having too much.
08:02:55 And so, but too much isn't too bite, is it more like only two bites
08:03:01 Like think about, does this feel loving or does this feel depriving?
08:03:05 And so sometimes it's going to be confusing because when we first start this, we are used to telling ourselves no or fully indulging. And there's no in between.
08:03:15 And so there's more questions to ask.
08:03:17 Does this feel good in my body?
08:03:19 How am I going to feel if I eat that?
08:03:22 And so every time you don't feel miserable, a lot of times it's because, like I said.
08:03:28 you had been overeating it because you'd like restricted it, deprived yourself of it for so long so many
08:03:34 And so you then would eat half the cake. And I'm being exaggerating, but like whatever too much is for you. You overeat because you've restricted.
08:03:45 And so I did this with ice cream.
08:03:48 I've talked about it for years. You guys have probably had to hear about my bathroom habits more than anybody needs to.
08:03:55 Ice cream usually triggers some bathroom problems that I don't like. And so I thought I can't have ice cream. I really like it.
08:04:01 ice cream. I got a little more curious. I figured out how much ice cream could I have without having all the feelings in my body. I don't feel bloated when I have a half a half a cup.
08:04:13 I don't feel like I'm like
08:04:15 you know, I get to the end of the half a cup and I really do want some more because it tastes good, but I know I can have it anytime I want.
08:04:22 I just don't do more than a half of a cup because then I'm not running to the bathroom. And I really like that reason.
08:04:29 it doesn't feel depriving
08:04:33 it has a little restriction, but in a loving way. It's kind of like as a mom, we don't give our kids the entire bag of candy all at one time and let them go through it. Like you will watch them.
08:04:44 And as they start to like, you're like, you're going to get close to an upset stomach. Let's put this away for tonight.
08:04:50 it's not that they can't have the candy at Halloween or whatever it is you're doing, right? You're just doing it because you love them and you want them to feel good in their body too. And so that's what we're doing. We're not saying we can't have something. It's that you can.
08:05:03 You can have cake, you can have health, you can have weight loss.
08:05:06 You don't have to feel bloated and you definitely don't have to feel shame and guilt.
08:05:12 And so as you're learning this, it's a progress thing. So we're focusing on progress, not perfection.
08:05:19 As we're focusing on progress, we're like, look at this. I had some cake. It didn't trigger.
08:05:24 me to overeat anything else. I didn't go get
08:05:27 McDonald's on the way home. I didn't go get another slice of cake. I didn't have to feel like we weren't going to cook whatever we were going to have and just have pizza or takeout.
08:05:36 I stuck to what I said I was going to do and it didn't feel restrictive. It felt very much like a gift. I got to have it all. I got to have feeling good in my body. I got to have my weight loss. I got to have the cake or whatever your thing is.
08:05:48 And so as I'm saying this.
08:05:51 I…
08:05:52 I want you to hear that you want to hear
08:05:55 that weight loss with me is truly loving. It's very compassionate. It's permission.
08:06:01 But it's not permission that hurts you and so
08:06:05 I know how to take care of myself. I know what feels good in my body. And some things I'm learning. So yesterday we got back from vacation. I did not have
08:06:16 my groceries ordered yet. I did not make the plan. And so I planned to eat out.
08:06:22 And so I did not feel like quantity wise I over ate.
08:06:26 But the two I had Qdoba bowl and I ate a portion of it for lunch and I still have
08:06:33 plenty of leftover. I had, we call it yummy bowl it's uh you
08:06:38 Mongolian barbecue. You put the veggies and stuff in. Well, they put noodles and rice with it.
08:06:43 And so I probably ate a third of the bowl. And so, but those two items together.
08:06:49 Overnight gained 2.8.
08:06:51 I'm going to tell you that's not 2.8 of fat. That is 2.8 of water. I am holding water like a crazy woman because of all the sodium.
08:07:01 I don't typically eat out those two things in the same day. So even though I didn't overeat them.
08:07:08 I overate for what my body can handle.
08:07:11 in that sodium. I don't normally pair two things that are high in sodium like that.
08:07:16 out in the same day.
08:07:18 But right now I haven't been to the grocery yet so
08:07:21 I know what comes on fast is going to fall off fast too. Drink lots of water, flush it out. It'll be great.
08:07:26 my brain is okay with this. I understand it. But I understand I don't want to do this all the time.
08:07:31 So back to her cake. She doesn't have cake all the time. She likes it when it's somebody's birthday, so she gets to be a part of it. She gets to enjoy the person and she gets to have the cake.
08:07:42 have the slice of cake. When you deprive yourself, you're like, ah.
08:07:46 I want more. I want more. It's that story we tell in our head. And so the story that we're telling ourselves is where all the problem is.
08:07:55 I am a mindset coach. And so I help people lose weight, not by telling what you can and cannot have.
08:08:02 I can absolutely help you when you're making your meal plans and figuring out like, is this what you want? Is it not? I can ask you all the questions to help you. But what I am is a mindset coach.
08:08:12 So as I'm telling you about my friend.
08:08:15 that was a mindset issue. She was physically having some cake, but mentally and emotionally very much restricting it.
08:08:24 And so as we would help her figure out her mindset about this, what is it that she's still saying she can't or why she can?
08:08:33 And so as she learns to speak that loving kindness, that compassionate
08:08:37 self-care kind of take care of everything
08:08:41 it becomes permissive, not restrictive. It's not depriving because it's permissive.
08:08:46 It's permissive in a way that we still feel good in our body. It's permissive in a way that is very loving and compassionate. And so that is
08:08:57 how we help people. I help people with their mindset. So when our mind is like, oh, I get to have cake on Wednesday at so-and-so's birthday.
08:09:05 I'm going to enjoy that cake. I'm already setting myself for like feeling good, having it, enjoying it. I'm not going to feel guilty because I already said I could have it. I'm already looking forward to it. And I'm going to be like, oh, I don't want to feel gross. Like how else can I make sure I don't feel gross in it? Okay, well, I'm not going to overeat the cake.
08:09:23 I'm also going to make sure that like the other foods that I have, I'm not going to do a day where I have Qdoban Chinese in the same day again.
08:09:29 I'm going to figure out how to feel really great in my body. And if I make a mistake, guess what?
08:09:37 Bonus, I learned something. I learned this week, Qdoba
08:09:42 and Chinese do not combine for me without almost three pounds of water gain.
08:09:48 I learned something that is so great to know. I know for the future that
08:09:54 probably not going to do that again. And if so, I understand why it happened. I have the gift of awareness.
08:10:01 I get the gift of choice in the future. And that's not a bad thing. That's not me failing or making mistakes because I learned from it. So it was a gift. It was something great to know. And so I hope I'm making sense to you that I am a mindset coach and this is what mindset looks like. It's a word that I know not everybody has probably used or you're starting to hear it more and more.
08:10:25 But this is what mindset is.
08:10:27 Our mindset is what we're thinking. And our thinking is what's creating all that misery, all that fear, all that discomfort. And so you don't have to feel that way anymore.
08:10:37 Not at all.
08:10:39 I have webinars all the time. So make sure that you are on my mailing list so that you can be alerted for the next webinar. I just had one last night. It was so much fun.
08:10:51 And so I love reaching out and sharing with you guys.
08:10:55 If you want to work privately together, I do that too. That is my favorite getting to help people exactly like with this cake story. Sometimes we're talking about relationships. Sometimes we're just talking about habits and how to develop them. But like, I'm your biggest cheerleader, your biggest accountability partner. And that's how that works. We work through the mindset of it all. We develop the habits.
08:11:16 that are very sustainable so that this is your way of life. You're not deprived and restricted throughout
08:11:22 you're not trying to hurry up and get done with this diet so that you can feel good about yourself again. You have learned how to feel good in your body, in your life.
08:11:30 And so I want to put on here the
08:11:36 the five-day free course and take that next. That would be the next step. It'll get you on the mailing list. So two birds with one stone, and I will see you later.
