Kara: [00:00:00] I'm so excited today. We have Amanda Hess with us. I'm
going to have her introduce yourself. She is a coach and I want to make sure
that she gets to say exactly what her business name is and who she helps. So I'll
let you go ahead and take that from there, Amanda.
Amanda Hess: Oh, thank you, Kara. So yeah, my name is Amanda Hess.
I am a certified life coach for neurodivergent women. I like to say that I'm a self
love coach for neurodivergent women specifically. And I help them typically
what I'm helping my clients do is get out of emotional distress. Um, my
business name is Amanda has coaching pretty simple. My name's sort of all
over everything.
I'm so excited to be here with you today.
Kara: I want to ask you, so I think I'm pretty familiar with neurodivergent. Um,
my son had, uh, was diagnosed with ADHD. I, I think I missed the boat on the
diagnosis, but think that might've been an inherited trait from me, but I don't
know how all that works exactly.
What, what does neurodivergent mean exactly? Cause I think it's being used
more [00:01:00] and more, but I don't know if actually everybody knows what
that word
Amanda Hess: means. Yeah, I would say if you asked any certain person,
they'd probably all have a different answer. How I define it is that your brain
doesn't work the way that the world is set up.
So, the way that your brain works. runs into resistance when it comes to how
society and the world wants you to perform. That's how I really look at it. We
get into these places where there are roadblocks, where we're being told to do
something in a certain way, and we can't do it. And we don't know why.
Kara: Okay. And so, Neurodivergent doesn't necessarily mean that you have to
have a diagnosis of any kind. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Yeah, it's
Amanda Hess: not a medical diagnosis. So it really is just simply how people
are sort of self identifying. So you will talk to some people that will say that it's
really just for people that are ADHD or ASD.[00:02:00]
But now there's been this growing acceptance of psychological diagnoses. Self
diagnosis, you know, just this, I think that what we're starting to experience is
that there's a lot of people out there that are starting to realize that the way that
their brain works doesn't necessarily fit in to how it's kind of told to us, how we
are being presented in this way of, this is the way that you do it.
And we look at it and go. I know that it really is difficult for me to do it that
way. And I don't know how to make myself do it. And so then we try and we try
and fit and we try and fit and we try and fit. And it's, it's kind of, I look at it as
grinding gears almost, you know, and so then you start not getting the results
that you want in your life and you start questioning yourself and you start not
believing in yourself and you start having this negative.
Experience of your own life and that can get really out of control and [00:03:00]
for, you know, most of the people that I help, I would say, you know, by the
time you've hit middle age, you've got coping mechanisms, but they might not
be the best because they're not really giving you the life that you actually want.
Kara: Yeah. So what I wanted, the reason why I was so attracted to you, for
one, I think that I have always thought things a little differently. I, I run a little,
uh, I say that I have, um, I, I operate at a higher frequency than most can handle.
And so you laugh, so you probably know exactly what I'm talking about.
Um, I don't have any kind of diagnosis, but I, I loved that neurodivergent has
been, um, I guess becoming so mainstream talked about and commonplace that
that word keeps coming up and up and up. And it does mean so many different
things, but it's not an excuse. It's an explanation and it helps with [00:04:00]
understanding and to feel normal when you don't feel normal, which.
It's kind of what I have loved. It like brings some understandings and
explanation to why things don't feel normal to you, which brings some
normalcy. So that is one of the things that grabbed me. But you have all over
your stuff, self love, self love, self love. And as a weight loss coach, I have so
many clients that struggle with self love.
And so when they think that we talk about like how to love ourself, they think
that that feels egotistical to love yourself. It feels, um, like you're selfish or that
you, you are, you are making somebody else or something else less than by
having some love for yourself. Yeah. How do you see, since you're, that is so
your niche is to like be right there with the self love [00:05:00] with people.
Um, how do you see that contributing to weight loss self love?
Amanda Hess: You know, I think that what ends up happening is for one thing,
when it comes to weight loss, it's very complex, right? Because it's, it's about
appearance, but it's also about health. And then it's about taking the time to
spend on yourself and really giving yourself the time to work through the things
you need to work through.
And what I find when it comes to self love is that there's some confusion about
what self love is, because if you think about what is love, love is not an action.
Now we can take action from love and that can create some really beautiful
results. But I do believe that a lot of us think that love is something that is either
given to us or received from us.
And. I mean, you can argue either way, but what I like to [00:06:00] think about
when I think about loving myself is it's not. It's not something you do. It's
something you feel. And when you can start looking at it from that standpoint, I
think you can uncomplicate it a little bit because nobody is going to be able to
tell you what the right actions are for you because everybody is different.
But to love yourself, I think before you can even start down that path, before
you can even really consider it, you're going to have to figure out. What are you
thinking about yourself and what emotions are those bringing up for you? And
then what do you do with those emotions? Right? Because when you do.
I mean, I know that you've probably done this with clients. I know I just did
recently, yesterday, I was coaching a client on body image and you know, it was
really interesting because she is a very much a doer. And I bet a lot of your
clients are like that
Kara: to give [00:07:00] me the diet. Tell me what to do. Yeah.
Amanda Hess: And they just want to do, do, do, do, do, and then they want to
beat themselves up when they can't do it.
And this client is very much like this. I mean, she's got two young kids. She
works a very. Full time difficult job and she's struggling with just volatility and
her emotions. And when we were talking about body image and I asked her, but
what do you actually think about yourself? When you look in the mirror, she
immediately broke down and I know for her, that felt terrible, but I know for
me, I was like, that's the answer.
That's where we start. That's where we begin. So I just, I know this is a long
answer, so I'll stop talking soon. No, I love it. Keep going. Okay. , I look at it
from the standpoint of you can't love yourself until you know what you think
about yourself. Well, you know what you think. Hmm. I don't know what you
think about that, but , I, I'm
Kara: just, I'm just simmering on it for a second.
[00:08:00] I, I definitely believe it. And I think, uh, you know, cause we're
always our own first client is how this works. And so I am, I'm, I'm picturing
somebody listening being like, I do listen to everything you said and say, but
what am I supposed to do? Like, I don't know how to do this. Like, I don't know
how to do this.
They're looking for something to do like the do would be in this case to take
time to think on what you think about
Amanda Hess: yourself. Yeah. And I would get really specific, right? So if you
want to do it with body image, which I think probably a lot of your clients body
images is. Potentially one of the biggest things they're dealing with.
I like to give my clients the homework of looking at themselves in the mirror.
And no, you don't have to be naked. You don't have to do anything crazy. I'm
not going to make you do anything like that. [00:09:00] But what I notice is that
people do drive bys and I know this because I used to do them. And when I start
feeling uncomfortable with how I look,
Kara: drive bys,
Amanda Hess: like you look at yourself in the mirror, but.
It's a very quick glance, you know? Oh yeah. My hair's okay. Body's there. Not
going to look at my body. Clothes seem to match. I'm done. Right? Like we
don't look,
Kara: we don't look. We're going to park for a minute in front of the mirror.
Not just do a drive by. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and then like, just look head to
toe.
Amanda Hess: What are you saying? And then just look and see like, what
emotion is coming up for me right now? And a lot of times I will tell you from
personal experience, because this still happens for me. And I think that people
think that self love is a place that you get to, and it is not self love is a dance
that you learn how to dance and you're always working on the steps.
And that's how I really like to look at it. So when I'm looking in the mirror,
what do I feel [00:10:00] revulsion, disgust. Um, frustration, you know, they're
really hard, heavy, negative emotions that are hard to hold. And the first step is
just knowing what they are. And you know, when I'm talking about self love
with the client, I always give an emotion wheel, right?
Because I think that your emotional vocabulary needs to grow. Yes. And so
when, you know, you look at it from that standpoint, for a lot of clients
listening, I know, I know you're like, what do I do though? But I'm, I'm really
trying to instill that what you do is you slow down and you get curious about
yourself.
Because the only way you can love yourself as if you know yourself, and we
have gotten to a point in our lives, especially I feel once you hit that middle age,
like I just really notice it, right? You just start hitting 35 to 45. And then all of a
sudden [00:11:00] you have just coping mechanisms and a lot of those coping
mechanisms, they work a little bit because they help you not feel.
Right. To an extent, you know, I think that when, you know, you're dealing with
things like weight loss, I know that my personal experience has been my
Achilles heel has been eating when I'm buffering because it feels good to eat
because I get that pleasure. I get that hit. And that's because I haven't really
taken the time to really figure out what I'm feeling so that I can really address it
and then be loving towards myself, towards the path to help me through that.
I don't know if that helps. Is that going down a path? It's totally in my field.
Kara: No, I, we just have starting ideas and then I love it always goes wherever
it needs to go. So that was perfect. I, um, I, Oh, I remember what I was going to
say. I read notes and I forgot the [00:12:00] one thing I wanted to actually say to
you when you were talking, you were talking about, um, it's important for them
to know what they think and.
I don't know how many people I start with who don't even have an opinion.
Like, they've not allowed themselves to tap into an opinion. And so, like, I like
to say, like, I get into decision fatigue and I don't want to decide where we're
going to eat sometimes. But, like, I think as you start, just Being curious.
What is your opinion? You don't have to share it with anybody. It doesn't mean
you're going to change someone else's mind or like you have to create a certain
opinion. It's nothing political or anything like that, but just like, do you have a
preference? You've had, you've heard that, uh, it was in one of the movies.
Um, was it runaway bride or something? How do you like your eggs? And it
was always, however, the other guy liked his eggs that she dated. And so I think
part of that self love is knowing how you like your eggs. And so like, what do
you think? What do you think about your body? What do you think about your
life or [00:13:00] how someone is talking to someone else?
Or all of the things that you, you can just have an opinion on. It doesn't mean
that they're wrong or right. It's just, what do you think about it? And so tapping
into some of that, like, what do I even think? I don't think people, especially
women, have been always given that opportunity to, to have an opinion.
I mean, growing up, my mom was, she was raised this way. And I remember
her telling me this, like, your children are to be seen and not heard, you know,
and then women are supposed to be pretty and make the dinner. And so like,
Not to get too much into, you know, how the patriarchy and all the other things,
but like women in general have not always been given voices and encouraged to
have them.
And I think that that, especially with some of my clients, like then when you're
like, what do you think about your body? It's like, well, my husband says, or my
mom said, and so, or society says I don't match what's on TV. And so there's all
of that. So it's [00:14:00] hard for them to know what they think.
Amanda Hess: I think that that's a better question than what do you like?
I was actually thinking about this um, because I'm putting together a training
and one of the things that I do ask my clients is what do you want? What do you
like? And when I ask that question, inevitably it will end in tears for the person
on the other side because they don't know the answer and then they feel panic.
Because they don't know the answer. And of course you don't know the answer
because you haven't actually asked that of yourself for so long. And I think
especially for women that are parents in particular, but I'm sure for all women,
but parenting in, in particular, I just notice it, right? Because we live for our
kids.
And then I think sometimes, you know, we live for our job and we live for our
husband, like you say. But you don't. Learn to live for you. I think men have a
different [00:15:00] experience of that. I do actually think a lot of men are
taught differently. They're socialized differently, but for women, I do think you
get to a point where you look around and really like that movie comes to mind,
right?
Is this as good as it gets? Like, is this it have I arrived? And is this what I'm
looking at now? And, you know, what do I think? I think. Yeah, you have to
start small, give yourself a couple minutes to answer that question and let it just
be uncomfortable. Just notice that it's uncomfortable, but don't judge yourself
for it being uncomfortable because yes, I do think it's a loving thing.
Like that is such a loving act to ask yourself, what do I think about this? And
then when you don't know the answer, when the answer in your head is literally,
I don't know, don't panic, sit in the feeling of overwhelm or confusion.
Overwhelming [00:16:00] confusion are very unsettling emotions. They don't
feel great, but that doesn't mean that anything's gone wrong.
And the more that you ask yourself that question, You will start coming up with
answers because all of a sudden it'll be in the background of your mind and you
will be asking yourself that about lots of different things. And you'll start
realizing I actually do have an opinion. I just haven't been listening to it and
that's okay.
Kara: I'm thinking like that card game. Would you rather would be a fun place
to start for some people who are like, I don't know what my opinion is. Okay.
Well, would you rather this or this, you know, that might be a fun, bring it to a
coaching one time and just pick a card and say, yeah,
Amanda Hess: you could do that on a group call even.
And that might be actually hilarious. I think that could
Kara: be a lot of fun. So. Self compassion is going to go along with self love.
And I think that's another one that people are not always used to practicing.
How, how do you [00:17:00] work that in with your clients or how would you
see like in weight loss, how self compassion could be, you know, a critical skill
to learn how to
Amanda Hess: do it?
Well, you know, I think that most of us, what we Defer to is self judgment and
because of just the way that our brains are set up, not because you're, you know,
somehow messed up as a person, we have a negative bias. So we, we judge in a
negative fashion. So our go to, our set point is going to be negative judgment.
So we don't have to work harder to have more negative judgment. That's not
required. It already happens. The problem with negative judgment though, is
that it brings along emotions like guilt and shame. So let's say you overeat or
you eat off plan or you don't work out, you know, whatever it is for my clients.
Sometimes it's like you lost it on your husband or your kids, or, you know, you
didn't make it out of bed to do the thing you said you were going to do,
whatever. [00:18:00] Um, We want to judge ourselves and we feel like that's the
right thing to do, that that's the way that you do it. And we've been taught that
too.
We've been socialized that, you know, just how we've grown up in the world.
But what I've really noticed, and I know you know, this too is shame and guilt.
shut us down. They do not allow us to be curious. They do not allow us to have
a better understanding of why it happened, of what was going on, to find the
nuance in the situation, to find understanding.
And that's why it's a problem. It's not that it's wrong. It's just that ultimately it's.
A, it feels terrible. So I feel like it should be wrong because it feels so bad and
nobody should do that to themselves if they can help it, but it's also just
ineffective. So if you are looking to do something that's effective, that is
actually going to work, then self compassion is going to allow you to not
immediately want to shut down.[00:19:00]
And you're going to be able to look at it and go, okay, it's okay that that
happened. You know, I'm not in a race here, but I'm going to look at this and
really think about why did I eat off plan? Like what was I feeling? What was
happening? What was really going on? And you can start problem solving from
that place because you didn't do it because you're a bad person.
You did it because something happened emotionally. That triggered that, and
that to me, like compassion is that compassion is openness. Compassion is
working with yourself, being a good partner to yourself. And that is going to
just, it's going to impact your life in such a major way. And here's the thing
about self love and self compassion is never a set point.
So anytime you notice that you are in self judgment. And just start even asking
yourself, right? Am I being judgmental here or am I being compassionate? You
can just ask yourself that [00:20:00] question. Notice, Oh, I'm being judgmental.
Cause then we can get judgmental about being judgmental. So we have to
watch, right?
Then you can just recalibrate. Oh, I'm just going to recalibrate into self
compassion and I'm going to see what happens. And you can just constantly do
that throughout your day. Just tap into compassion, tap into compassion. And
what you'll notice is that it will grow. It'll grow your ability to problem solve
for, you know, what's happening for you, whatever that might be.
Kara: Yeah. I think that that negative self talk it, it just comes up automatically.
And so the shame and judgment that you're talking about, I don't. I don't tell my
clients that like they shouldn't feel that because then that just feels like another
thing they're doing wrong. But instead, let it just be kind of like your, you know,
your morning alarm clock, your, you're feeling this and you notice it because it's
something that we Absolutely.
It's like hearing, hearing, you know, your, your parents [00:21:00] voice when
you're a child or you're, you know, someone who you love their voice, you can
pick it out of a crowd, like that shame and judgment. We can hear it in a crowd
of all of our thoughts and feelings. And so it's really just kind of like a little
mental alarm clock, like, okay, you know, it's time to check in with myself.
And so instead of being like, I can't ever feel shame and judgment. Okay. Well,
it's a natural, normal feeling. And so like, it's, what do you do with it next? And
so just check in. Why, why is it there? Did you do something that you're not
proud of? Did, you know, you not handle something, you know, anytime you
can take even a sliver of ownership.
I think we're so quick to want to get out of those, um, uncomfortable feelings
that we have, that we just are like, okay, we either sit in it. Or we like, and do
nothing, or we take all the ownership in the world and then do nothing and feel
terrible about it. And it's like, what can you take ownership for?
And then what can you be very compassionate, very forgiving for? And I like,
I'm a mom. I like to think of like [00:22:00] how I would have responded to my
kid. Like when he was little, he's 20, my kid's 23 now, he's a grown man, but
like. Like when he was young, I would be, you know, like there were things that
were not right that he did, but it wasn't like ridicule and demeaning to him.
So I like to think about like, how would I have lovingly, gently encouraged and
like redirected him. And that's what those feelings a lot of times come up for is
like, okay, yeah, I did do something that I didn't intend or I, you know, I'm
feeling bad about something. And it's like, okay, how can we like lovingly put
our own arm around ourself and then say, how can you do different next time?
Great. You learn from it. That was, that was the biggest punishment you needed
was to take five seconds to learn what you could do different.
Amanda Hess: Well, isn't that just the most effective thing, right? I know for
me, like my kids aren't adults yet. I have a 17 year old and a 13 year old. And I
can tell you that parenting a 17 year old is an adventure.
[00:23:00] And, um, I have really learned parenting is such a lesson. I, I really
think you just learn so many lessons through parenting. If you can be open to
learning the lesson and, um, What I've noticed and, and my 17-year-old is
diagnosed A DHD, and so I just find it really interesting with him. If you try to
be really authoritative with him, it all falls apart.
Mm-Hmm. . And it's such a picture of what's true for us because I really think
about a 17-year-old boy. They're just emotions on the outside. I think of that
feeling like inside out and it's like. Feelings are in charge and so when you are, I
think also when you're in an activated state, um, when you are really in a stress
response, which happens to people without them knowing or really
understanding it, you.
Are going to want to be really gentle with yourself and come back to tools that
really work for you. Right. And I, [00:24:00] I mean, I think I'm sure you
provide these tools for your clients, like nervous system regulation, things that
you can do just drop out of your head and into your body. And I also just want
to mention that as far as like negative thoughts and having, you know, just that
negative voice.
Something that for neurodivergent people that I think is very common is we
have a brain that never shuts up ever. It's just always talking. So it's a, it's a wild
thing. When people tell me they don't have that. My husband doesn't have that.
And I'm so confused by it, like what it's quiet in there. It's so weird.
I just don't get it. Tell me more, but. I don't, I agree with you that it's like a
party. And so the voices are coming and they are there, but I don't think we have
to focus on the voices. And that's the thing. That's that. That's the trick is
recognizing I can build a new voice. And I do think, you know, when it comes
to things like your body image and how you think about yourself, [00:25:00]
once you know what you are kind of thinking.
And you understand that there's things about yourself that you actually really
don't like, you can decide to like them. And then you can decide what is the
relationship that I want to have with me. And you can build that and you can
build thoughts that you've put together that you say to yourself. And they are
very true.
You want to believe them. This isn't just some random mantra that somebody
comes up with. This is something that you're like, I really want to believe this
about me. Maybe it's I'm beautiful or it's I'm attractive or it's, you know, I've
done enough today, whatever it is. And you tell yourself that and you look
yourself in the eye and you feel it because I really feel like connecting the
feeling is what will have the biggest impact.
I think with that,
Kara: with my clients, they would, they would want to feel beautiful, but they
don't know how to start with [00:26:00] themselves. They would want to feel
beautiful to you or to someone else or, you know, but, They don't, they don't
know that they want to feel beautiful for themselves. They want to be, they
think that they want it from other people, that external validation kind of thing.
And so I would almost say like, if, if like you're hearing this and you're like,
like, I don't want to think of myself as beautiful, maybe where you're checking
in is what do you want other people to think about you? And then that's what
you need to be. Like feeding yourself for those, like, you know, delicious
thoughts, like more often.
And so like, you might not realize you want to be told that from yourself, but
you do know you want it from somebody else. And so that's where maybe like
finding a starting place with some of those. Kind of things, how to know what
you even want to be told.
Amanda Hess: Yeah. And I would say that that's why also coaching is so
powerful, right?
So if you're listening to this and you're thinking, I don't know how to do that,
[00:27:00] then you should be like looking Cara up and you should be signing
up to have a call with her. I don't know if you do calls, but you know, you
should be, you should be reaching out because if that's something that you want,
but then you have no idea how to get there.
Coaching is how you get there. Yeah.
Kara: I, I remember, and I, I'm sure you'll have some kind of story too, because
anybody who's come through coaching, like we didn't know what it was at some
point, and then the reason why we're coaches is because it was so life changing
for us to like. have an idea of what we think or what we don't think and, and
realizing it's, it's like having a recipe when you don't have a thought about
yourself that is kind of a core belief in there.
It's like making a recipe without one of the ingredients. And so, you know, like
a critical ingredient. And so you just keep trying to make the recipe and you
don't have that ingredient, which is like you not feeling loved, [00:28:00] or you
don't feel enough, or you don't feel desired or attracted, attractive. And then
you're trying to make brownies without flour, or, you know, I know they make
them all kinds of crazy ways now, black beans and sweet potatoes and
whatever, but like, whatever it is, you don't have a core ingredient there.
And so coaching helps you like pick out like, by the way, notice you were
missing this ingredient. And then like, let's figure out. Figure out why it's not in
there. I'm loving this. This is fun. Podcast guesting is one of my favorite things.
Like having people on to get to like collaborate and share ideas, even though
we're so different, we help completely different groups of people, like getting to
get to come together with that for sure.
I was kind of looking, did you have anything else you really wanted to address
before I find something else?
Amanda Hess: I don't think there was anything I really wanted to address per
se. No, we can cover anything you want.
Kara: We talked some, we brushed on [00:29:00] this. So yeah, there were two
more I really wanted to talk about.
One of my, and so you're talking about self love, we've delved deep into body
image kind of stuff at times. One of my favorite commercials, do you remember
the Dove commercial where it had women of all sizes, colors, skin textures, all
the things, and they're all in their underwear on the commercial? Do you
remember that?
Amanda Hess: I totally do. Yeah.
Kara: Um, I think of like, cause you know, I, I am heavily marketed on social
media. And so then you're seeing all the things on social media. And I
remember like that inner core experience when I saw that dove commercial for
the first time, thinking like how beautiful that was. And like, I could think like,
they are so beautiful, you know?
And I thought. Wait a minute, but they're all different sizes and shapes and
some have scars and some have, you know, different things going on. And
[00:30:00] I'm like, and I'm like, well, it was the lighting. I have to explain it
away. Right. It's the lighting. And so I look at now how we're so close into these
filters and things like that, but how do you get.
To where you can keep that or even should we keep that like where all the
bodies are beautiful and all the colors are beautiful without having to explain
away, but it's a filter or it's the lighting or. Like, I don't know. It's
Amanda Hess: a lot of work. I think it's a lot of work. I'm not
Kara: here.
Amanda Hess: You are. You're totally making sense.
I, you know, I, I do think it's a lot of work. Like I, I, I don't know. I put up, I put
a Facebook post up and then I, I ended up deleting it just because I didn't like
the direction that it went. It was on my own private Facebook page. And I had
said something along the lines of imagine if we spent as much time and money
on our emotional wellness as we did on having a smooth forehead.
It was so fascinating. The comments that I got on there and it was all about
[00:31:00] Botox and I'm not anti Botox at all. Um, but I just, it was fascinating.
And I finally just, I just didn't want to have that conversation. And, you know,
the reason why I think is because we are Mar it's not just that we're marketed to,
we are raised in the soup of how we should look and it's.
Ever changing. First of all, so just when you think you might have it, you know,
made, then they change it again. Also, we're getting older. So I'm finding, you
know, I'm going to be turning 48 in February. And so I'm finding that. Aging is
not something that's really looked upon kindly by the world, like, looking like
you're getting older.
Um. having wrinkles, having your body change, having things just be different
for you. When I say it's a lot of work though, it's, it's work that has great benefit.
So what I find is that I have to be, first of all, very conscious of my diet when it
comes to what I consume. [00:32:00] And I am perpetually unfollowing and
muting people constantly, um, on muting ads, ensuring that I am blocking
anyone that just really.
Anything that triggers me even slightly when it comes to my body image. is
gone. And I really believe in that because I think what you consume is very,
very important. And if you're always consuming, um, before and after pictures
of people that are, you know, overweight and now they're skinny. And if you're
constantly consuming that, your brain is picking that up and eating it and
processing it.
And already you have a bias towards this being a problem. So it just makes it
bigger. So that's part of it. And I know that's very C line You know,
circumstance, circumstance level work, but that's a big part of it. And then the
other part of it is I'm very clear with myself. What do I want to think about
myself?
Because I think about the version [00:33:00] I like to go back, I don't do inner
child work or anything like that, but with myself and even with my clients, I'm
like, I go back to like 15 year old Amanda, you know? She's like all legs. And I
remember, I will never forget this. I worked at a stable, um, I rode horses and
clean stalls and whatever.
I mean, I was so active. It was ridiculous. And this people, these adults were
gathered around and they looked at me and they're like, Oh, you have
childbearing hips. And at the time I didn't even know what that meant. I was
like, what? Who didn't? I look back and I'm like, who says that? Yeah. And so I
am so conscious to this day about.
The size of my hips and it's wild. Right. But I think about that girl and I'm like,
what would I say to her when I was looking at her, what would I say to her?
And it like, I can get emotional thinking about it right now. Cause I'm like, I
would say you're beautiful. You look amazing. I'm so proud of you.
Don't even worry about how you look like go live your life. [00:34:00] Right.
That's what I would say to myself. And so that's what I choose to say to myself
now I'm heavier. I don't look like I'm 15. I do not care. I choose to be the partner
to me that I deserve. And I deserve that. And everybody listening to this and
they deserve that too.
Yes.
Kara: So I love that you just walked us through that because people who are
listening and are not familiar with coaching, they don't even know how to figure
out what they want to hear from themselves. We talked about that. And so you
just walked us through like, when did you remember it? I was 15 year old and
someone said something and you're like, and it really bothered me.
It really triggered me. You can do this for any age. Even right now, somebody
has said like, my favorite is when someone says you look really good today.
And people only hear the today part and you're like, cause I don't every other
day. What, what would I rather them have said? And even then get curious, like,
why, why [00:35:00] is that better than what they said?
Like, what am I, why am I having such a problem with this? You know, like
even back then, like you were, you're able as an adult to tell yourself, like what,
what you would rather have been told or what you would tell a 15 year old that
was, you know, hearing this for the first time and then like, but why did it
bother you?
You know? Like, yeah, people can say whatever. And like, why did it bother
you so bad? And so I kept 15, surely like, like we just have, we're figuring
ourselves out in the world. You know, I don't know that that really, I know that
that, I know that those are such formative years. When we're, you know, that
preteen junior high age, you know, for girls, especially, but like, I think that all
we do is our entire life is just refigure ourselves out.
Right. When, like you said, with, with wrinkles and everything else, right.
When we think we're starting to kind of get the hang out of like how we look,
then things all change. The style changes, everything changes and we have to do
it again. And I think it's the [00:36:00] same way with how we think about
ourselves.
Like right when we think like, yeah, yeah. Then like some, a new job happens
or we became a mom or we became an empty nester or we got married or
divorced or whatever, something like changes all the playing cards and you
think, I just learned how to play this game. And now I have to learn again.
Amanda Hess: Yeah, it's true.
I have sometimes when I put a model up for my clients, um, I'll keep this PG
rated. I will just, and I don't know if your listeners are familiar with models per
se, but I don't use the
Kara: word model, but like that, how we think creates how we feel creates what
we do. And all that is where we get our results from.
So that's what she's talking about.
Amanda Hess: Yeah, exactly. Exactly that. So usually when we use that tool,
we use one specific circumstance and it's, it's really just an opportunity to create
some awareness, right? But I'll say to them, there's the funnel of poop
sometimes that is running through that model. So up at the top is the funnel of
poop.
And that it's like, those are all the things that are happening in your life. And
there [00:37:00] is a lot of things happening.
Kara: And the poop is the things happening. Yes. Kids didn't pick up their
room. They're smarting off. Somebody at work isn't doing their job. Put more
on your plate. All the things. That's the funnel that starts the poop, right?
Amanda Hess: Yeah, exactly. And they're all contributing and they're all
creating thoughts and they're all creating feelings and our brain is so Busy. It
has a big job to do. Yeah. So, and all of that is subconscious. That's like, we're
not even thinking on purpose. That's just going on in the background. Right.
And so then you, you really do where your opportunity is to create real change
for yourself.
I believe is finding caring. Things to think about you and it's just going to make
all of it easier and making it easier is going to make your life better. It's going to
make you show up better. It's going to make you eat better. It's going to make
you go for that [00:38:00] walk. That is going to be what actually creates it for
you.
And you know, it's so interesting to me. I don't know if I shared this with you,
but. I have a podcast too, right? It's called how to love yourself no matter what.
So it's for neurodivergent women. It's about self love. And the reason why I
bring it up is because somebody left a review on my podcast and they gave me
two stars, which I mean, I wish they didn't bother me, but they just kind of do.
And so she wrote in it, she says to me in this review, you know, I've listened to
six episodes and all she talks about is self love. And I think there should be way
more on accountability. I just died laughing because That isn't the name of my
podcast, here's how we get accountable. And um, the reason why I bring it up is
because if you could respond to those reviews, which you can't in Apple
podcasts, they just sit there.
I would have said, I don't think you understand [00:39:00] what self love
actually is. Because I have yet to see somebody use the feeling of love and not
create better results. I've never seen it happen. I mean, try, I would get on a call
with me and convince me I'm wrong. I would love to, you know what I mean?
The
Kara: accountability.
Um, and that's exactly what people come to me with. I need more motivation.
And I need more accountability. And that's exactly what they think they need.
And when they leave from working with me, they say, I guess it really wasn't a
diet. I just really learned how to love myself better. And so. When they learned
how to love themselves better, they're not overeating.
And when they learned how to love themselves better, they went to bed at a
decent hour so that they could lovingly give their body all the sleep it needed.
They sometimes said no thank you to food or to people that caused them stress.
You know, we are paying attention to how food feels in our body. And so that
accountability thing.
Really is another way to say, [00:40:00] how can you make me do something
that doesn't feel normal, that doesn't feel right in my body. I don't know how to
love myself, but I do know how to punish myself. So accountability is just teach
me how to stronger. Punish myself so that I can do the things that's really what
that person was like saying without, they, they, they recognize discipline and
punishment.
And so they want more of that from you because all of the love is like, it's just,
it's icky. I don't, I don't know. Yes, I did see that on, uh, I didn't see the posts. I
saw your social posts when you were talking about that one. So, all right, as we
wrap up, I have two last questions. What, what would be like the first thing or
the thing that you want them to hear about going forward with this
Amanda Hess: self love?
I think it's the first thing I want you to know is I want you to take on the
[00:41:00] personality of somebody that deserves it. I don't know if that makes
sense, but
Kara: because you're going to start with thinking you don't deserve it and that
this is for other people and they'll even take it on, on how they should treat other
people, but it's not for them.
Amanda Hess: Yeah. You know, it is. I say this all the time and I'm sure you
do too. Self love is a choice, but I don't want you to weaponize that against
yourself that, Oh, well, I'm not choosing to love myself. So now I'm going to
beat myself up some more. Uh, yeah. It's not that it's something though that you
might choose and you only might be able to hold for a millisecond and you just
keep practicing.
Kara: Yeah, you're so deserving. I love it. You're so deserving. Yeah, you're
deserving of figuring this out. You're deserving of the time. I heard you in the
beginning say love is not an action, but it could be taking the time you're, you're
worthy and you deserve it. The time, the energy, the money, the thought,
whatever [00:42:00] it is, you are worth all of it.
You deserve it.
Amanda Hess: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a hundred percent.
Kara: How can they find you? So they're listening and they want to follow you
or hear what the next thing is that you're saying or doing? How can
Amanda Hess: they find you? So, I'm on Instagram. I'm most active there,
although my, for whatever reason, Facebook has become this like very big place
for me lately.
So you can find me there too. It's the Amanda Hess and I have my own podcast,
as I mentioned, how to Love yourself no matter what. And if you are, you
know. Neurodivergent or, you know, somebody that is, that is really struggling.
I am going to be running a masterclass next week. I don't know when you're,
when you're putting this particular podcast out, but it'll be in February.
Yeah, so that's okay. I'll be running another one in February, so they can go to
joinamanda. ca to find out more about that and sign up if it sounds like
something that they'd like to participate in. It's a, it's a free, a free class.
Kara: What is it? The classes on the
Amanda Hess: classes on how to thrive with a [00:43:00] neurodivergent brain
in a neurotypical world.
Kara: Okay. So accomplishment and all the love and all the things, right?
Amanda Hess: Exactly. How to like be in your brain and do things that you
still like doing and not hate your life and get the results you want. I
Kara: mean, thank you for coming on and talking about all of this and sharing
another perspective on how important it is and how to do it.
So I appreciate this and I am sure my clients will love this
Amanda Hess: too. My pleasure. Thank you so much for having me on. It was
so nice being able to chat with you and I loved it.
Kara: All right. Thank you.
