2023 - 5:22 Podcast Guest Cristina Gonazalez Curvy Girl Dating Coach Audio: Podcast
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[00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the concierge weight loss podcast. My name is Cara Hackleman, and I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. I help people just like you lose weight for the last time. Are you a little people pleasing, a little procrastinating, and maybe a little perfectionistic? Do you eat when you are not even necessarily hungry?
I can help you overcome that so you can finish losing weight and get out of your own way. Join me each week to get a little motivation and a lot of inspiration. All right. I have Ms. Christina Gonzalez with me today, and I'm going to let you introduce yourself and we're going to dive right in. Awesome. Hi, I'm Christina Gonzalez and I am the curvy girl dating coach.
I am a coach for women who are interested in going in dating and embracing their body, their self love and getting out and being [00:01:00] Like a confident woman that's dating. Yeah. I felt like I had to wear a dress. Like, you know, not that I'm going on a date with you, but I felt like if this is what you're talking about, I needed to, you know, dress the part today.
So yeah, I I'm, I'm sure if my husband comes home, he'll be like, what in the world are you wearing? But. I'm wearing you on a date with him later. Yeah. Sometimes I like dating myself. Heck. Right. Okay. So how did you get started in this? Cause that's, that is like very specific dating and specifically for curvy girls.
So it drew my interest right away. But how did you get started as a coach for curvy girls dating? I was my own first client. I was a single and plus size for 10 years. And it was at a very critical time in my life when it was like, I broke up with a boyfriend at 27 years old. And I had this panic of like, Oh my gosh, I have to start over.
And by 30, I need to find somebody to date, find somebody [00:02:00] that likes me get into a relationship, you know, get married by 30, have kids by this by, you know, like I have this story. of what I had to do timeline. Yeah, exactly. And it's like, it could not mirror from any of that, you know? And so I, um, I just put a lot of pressure on myself and I think I was, um, I call it dating desperately.
And just because it's just like eager, you're dating anybody. You're way too open minded. You don't have a checklist. You just want anybody to like. You know, like Dayton, I'm not saying it in a bad way, but it's just like getting out there and not really focusing on what you're looking for. And just. You know, the going crazy.
Right. So I, um, I just really struggled with that. And then finally I started kind of like creating boundaries and looking at what I really wanted and learning about myself and like taking some time, like I hit 30 and I was like, all right, well, I guess I gotta try something, you know, [00:03:00] and like try something different because it wasn't working.
And, um, slowly but surely things started working out better for me. And, um, like I just ended up becoming like a different person, but I got into it because I just had some really bad days sometimes and. I don't ever want anyone to feel that way. Like I, I knew that I was, I was a catch, you know, like I have a good job.
I have my own house. I have like a great car. I went to school, like I did this and that, like I have everything going on. And so why does nobody want to date me? Like in a relationship with me, what's going on? So I, um, I always assumed it was about my weight. You know, and I made it mean like, this is my weight.
Like I have to lose weight now because nobody's going to like me at this size. Like, cause I have everything else. It's amazing. So this must be it, you know, and I just don't want anybody to feel that [00:04:00] way. And like, it's just not true and it's, it's a horrible feeling to feel, and it's very lonely. So yeah, like I just, that was really important for me to help women.
Now, did you always have that in your head? Like I am a catch or did that kind of evolve with some of your own self coaching, your own first client kind of thing? I think, uh, what I think it was like a little bit of self coaching, but I didn't, it wasn't like, I was like, here, let's self coach, I'm a catch.
It was just like, well, I don't, you know, just by looking at. Like what's wrong with me, you know, like, cause nobody would want to date me and be like, well, what's wrong with me? Like I need to fix it. I need to do something else for other people. And I just took, I'm like, I don't know what's wrong with me because I'm awesome.
You know, so like, I finally ended up just taking a, like a look at myself and I'm like, these are all the check marks with people that like what I'm expecting or what I want from [00:05:00] somebody. So I'm meeting somebody's checklist because I'm meeting my own. So why does, you know, what's going on? So I think it finally just kind of popped in my head when I was taking like a deep dive into, you know, into myself.
It sounds like you went from just like dating to be doing it, to dating with a purpose. Like, and the purpose is what do you want? Exactly. Yeah. Like that was just a whole evolution of, you know, just self growth. Um, so yeah, like I, and that's what I teach my clients. It's like date with a purpose, you know, like not just dating crazy.
You know, like I call it like, like again, dating desperately, desperately. Yeah. So you really want to date with a purpose and. Um, like there's this, like a good thought switch of like, just like, I get to date who I want and I get to choose instead of like, You know, like nobody wants [00:06:00] me, nobody, you know, like I'm going on these dates and people are taking advantage of me or whatever, it's like, no, you get to choose.
So like, if somebody don't let somebody be accessible to you that you don't want them to, or if they're not interested, don't let them have access to you. You know, I think there was just some thoughts that I had to like, get my control and my power back about myself. And it's a lot. It took some time. It took 10 years.
So I work with women specifically with weight loss. And so, um, many, many times they don't realize, but like if they're not achieving something. So kind of like with your checklist, you know, like house, car, family, whatever. Or if that what they're doing for other people or career, or, um, sometimes they overexercise kind of thing in that achievement world, then it goes back to their worth.
So like their worth is not worth, they're not worthy enough if they're not [00:07:00] achieving, whether it's all the check boxes, you know, that you mentioned or whatever they're thinking in their head, and then just like you said, they, they're like, well, it must be my weight. That's the thing that's holding me back.
Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's just like, and like, just, I wouldn't say like, okay, like with the achieving part, like you can, Like achieving things are great and everything but like you can be achieving and achieving and achieving and it's almost like buffering Because you're not like you want something But you're like I need to do this first.
I have to get this first I have to you know, and it's like avoiding dating So it's like you kind of have to like have a good explain that buffering just in case someone's not in the ground buffering is uh, when you do all these things like when you have a goal that you want and You do all these things around it and you don't really actually take care of the goal.
You know, like you don't actually like just meet the goal. So you're [00:08:00] like, okay, yeah, I'm dating and I want to go out to date. So I'm going to go work out. I'm going to go, you know, lose weight. I'm going to go out with my friends. But you like go out with your friends and you don't. Like engage in meeting other people or talking to other people, you just like stay with a girlfriend, like don't look around, like only care, you know, carry conversations with them.
And then you go home and you're like, well, I went out and I like nothing's working. So it's like you're buffering because like you're avoiding it, even though you're trying, doing lots of things, but avoiding the real thing you want done. Yeah, absolutely. So I can imagine I've been married for a long time.
So, but, um, I can imagine I have friends, I have clients, I have women that I talk with, but what would be, uh, some different challenges that maybe a curvy girl either experiences or like self imposes or either, or. Well, I know [00:09:00] a lot of times with like online dating profiles, like, you know, when you coach with me, like whether or not like you're online dating or dating in real life, it's, you know, whatever you want.
But I know for a lot of times in online dating and especially the experience I created for myself was, you know, being honest about who I was, but not being completely honest about who I was. You know, I would have current pictures and then, you know, and then I'd go on a date and they would say like, Oh, well, you're bigger than I thought you were, and then I'd be all mad.
I'm like, well, you stopped my pictures, but it's like, I would like hide behind a friend or put my purse in my lap or, you know, when I'm taking pictures or not really showing my whole body or, you know, and. Not like on like the dating, like the, when you're filling out like information about yourself, there's like a body type, you know, and I would put average instead of curvy, you know, or plus size because I didn't [00:10:00] want to, I didn't want to be plus size.
I wanted to be average, or I was, I was very athletic at the time I was doing Brazilian jujitsu six times a week and working out every day. Um, and doing all these things. So I was like, Oh, well, I'm athletic because I'm an athlete, you know, but that's not what, unfortunately, what standards are in general, you know what I mean?
Like that people like the stereotypic athletic person or the stereotypic, you know, average body type, you know? So when, when men are filtering for their person by their body type preference, and I show up and then I go on a date with them and then I'm not their preference. And then I get mad. Because I'm not their body type preference.
It makes it look like it's about my weight, but it's about like me, not putting myself in front of the right people. Yeah. Does that make sense? It does. And, and you said, um, you said, because you didn't want to be curvy or you [00:11:00] didn't want to be plus size. And I almost imagined some of it is that they, they might even think the ladies might even think that that's not what the guy wants either.
Right. So they can't put that on there. So they don't want it. And they don't think the guy's going to want it. So. Right. Like I had a thought like, Oh, well, my dating pool will be so much more open if I put that on average. And if I put that I'm curvy because nobody wants to be with the curvy girl. Let's.
It's not true. It's not true. And you buy stuff on Amazon and you read the review, you read the product description. And if it's not what we expect, we get mad too. And that's an Amazon, let alone like something as important as like love and relationship. Exactly. So I feel like, um, that's a big, a big problem, um, or a big thing that, um, we run into.
Um, like again, especially with me. And so I just think that there's a lot of like self worth as well, like again with the I feel [00:12:00] lonely. I have to, I have to lose weight to be happy to go date and, you know, just really making like staying in that story is a struggle I think for a lot of us. Plus by his ladies.
So if you, if you're, if you're wanting to date or you're wanting to, you know, maybe you're already in a relationship and you just, so I haven't asked my husband if I could, if I could share this part yet, but I don't think he'll care. Um, cause it's all about me. So like I have been married for 20. Four years, I think.
And so, uh, my math's not so good this morning, but, um, like I thought that I wasn't good enough. So if we weren't communicating or we weren't like doing things as often as I thought we should, whatever that means, you know, and I would take it on like, well, I must not be attractive. I am not good enough. And it would go to my worth because I'm a curvy girl.
And so [00:13:00] like, I would have all these. Thoughts about it. And none of it had anything to do with him. And so I know how I moved past it, but how would you recommend, like, if, cause you, we said, like, sometimes they're already thinking that they're not good enough. They don't want the curves or they don't think someone else is going to want the curves.
So how do you have your clients start working? From that spot on that like body acceptance, kind of like, I mean, really just embracing the whole body acceptance. Um, the idea of body acceptance, like, just very slowly, like Changing the story that you have in your head instead of walking past a mirror and avoiding it and being like, Oh my God, I look so fat.
Or, you know, I hate myself or I don't like my arms or my legs are, you know, doing this or whatever. Like, just take some time, take a breath and like say something in the mirror that you actually like about yourself. It could be your hair. It could be the color of your eyes. Like anything, just [00:14:00] start really small.
And when you see something that you don't like, like, Yesterday, I went to a baby shower and I put on a dress and my head like it was like kind of sleeves were like cap sleeves were my arms and arms are not my favorite feature about my body. And I changed like four times, and I ended up wearing the same dress, because like I, I really wanted to wear the dress and my, the way I thought about my arms was holding me back.
And then I was just like, nobody cares about my arms. It's a baby shower and everyone's focused on the mother and the baby and everything else. Like who cares? So I had to like, kind of like get myself, like stop thinking so hard, you know, and I think that that's. That's a, that takes a lot of progress, you know what I mean?
Like that's a lot of work into it, but I think just slowly, um, being kind to yourself and like, just every time you catch yourself, like [00:15:00] saying something negative to like stop and pause and give yourself like an equal balance by doing something or thinking something positive as well. And I think it just starts to.
Um, become, you know, more on the positive side and we're human and we always have something to think about that's negative and that's okay because that's just normal, but catching it is really important and offering yourself something that's like more serving for you and accepting is I think a good step ahead.
So instead of trying on a new dress, try on a new sentence. Yeah, exactly. And, uh, like you were saying something about your husband, like with dating, like even when you get into a relationship, like it's still there, like the thoughts are still there and there's more work to be done. Like when I started dating my boyfriend, like three years ago, He, um, he liked my body.
He liked my body type. He would hug me and like, like from behind or something and like touch my stomach and I'd be [00:16:00] like, stop it, you know, and it's because I'm uncomfortable, but he's not like he liked my body, you know, and it's like, I had to think about it and be like, the more that I say, like, my body is bad.
My body is bad. Don't look at my body. It's like, maybe he's just gonna transcribed One day just be like, yeah, you're right. You don't have a nice skin . You know? So I just felt like I had to embrace what, I chose to embrace my body a lot more. And I'm like, if this guy thinks I'm like a knockout, then I, why can't I think that too?
So that was really helpful to get through as well. Well, and if he thinks, and I, and like you said, he could change his mind because he's. Starts believing what you say, but he's hearing all the time. Yeah. But the other part of it is even if he doesn't, then he's hearing you talk bad about your body and he cares so much about you.
Yeah. It's like hearing someone that, you know, I don't know if you've ever done this, but like if you have a friend, a girlfriend who's like, just dog and honor self, and I'll be like, Hey, don't talk mean to my friend. [00:17:00] Yes, exactly. Like that's my friend and I love her. Don't talk mean to her, and it's her talking to herself kind of thing.
So. Yeah, I know how it hurts my heart to hear my friends say things like that. So I can only imagine someone in a relationship hearing you, you know, or to hear like, and I don't know, I guess when you're in a relationship, you get to decide your boundaries, how much of you, you give at whatever part, but like in my head, like.
At some point, the idea is that's the person that you can be the most free with. And so if you're still holding off parts of yourself, your insecurities or your parts of your body are off limits, then, not that you can't have some boundaries, but like, it just shows that there's still like, I don't have that 100 percent openness in my relationship yet.
Right. Because I'm not open with myself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think I used to ask my husband all the time if we were fighting, I'd be like, it's because I'm fat, right? I'm not attractive. You're just not [00:18:00] attracted to me. And I'm like, I am yelling at him that he's not attracted to me. So of course, why would he want to be like, Oh honey, you know, let me hold your hand.
Yeah. I'm yelling at him about him. Not. talking to me the way I think I need to be talked to, you know, part of my journey was like figuring out what I wanted from him and then doing it for myself, which sounds so wonky and so awkward. And so when I started realizing like. These are all the things I'm hoping he'll say to me.
These are all the things I wish he would do for me. And I started doing them for myself after I moved past that. This is so weird part that I, it's like, I felt fed, you know, like I had my meal now I'm ready for dessert. Come on, you know, I could feed them. Right. And like with the talking to yourself in the mirror and like complimenting yourself, it's like when you go out into the dating world and stuff, like you were thinking those thoughts instead [00:19:00] of, like you said, like And then I'll say some of the things that aren't true about yourself or that aren't helping you.
Yeah. How, how, I don't know how I want to ask this. What, what do you think that like self worth, like we kind of talked about this, but specifically your words, like what do you think? How does self worth play into relationships, healthy or unhealthy? I think it's like, I guess maybe almost like a combination with confidence as well, like just believing in yourself and trusting who you are, the decisions that you make, the boundaries that you create for yourself and for people, the role you've created for yourself.
Um, but I think that that self worth, like Knowing that, like, you don't need validation from anybody else, I think, is important to, like, have that self worth in you, like, knowing that you [00:20:00] are worthy enough just who you are. You know, and understanding like, okay, you're not perfect that we all learn things about ourselves and we, you know, it's like a, like a blessing or a lesson, and so like you, I just think that when you're just believing the story and trusting that who you are and, um, being strong in that and like worrying less about what other people think, I think that's really, um, Like the starting, like, points of self growth or self worth.
Mm hmm. Okay. So a lot of times I'll hear friends and curvy ladies who like to try on whatever personality they think someone around them wants. Yes. And so when you said, when you start believing in yourself and you're, you're figuring out who you are, when you're used to just trying on [00:21:00] personalities, like you try on clothes, how, how do you suggest people figure out who they are?
I think if it feels like authentic to them, like if they're exhausted by the end of the day of being like this other person, that's not who you are, you know, or just. Get like reading the room a lot, you know, and is that the person that you want to create, you know, like you get to decide and, you know, we all we always have all those humans.
Like I wasn't the same person that I am now that I was 10 years ago, and I'm choosing to create. You know, the person that I am today and in the future, you know, so I think to kind of fit you just have to like, just be happy, like the decisions that you're making are what what you want to stick with to be, you know, just be authentic.
And if it doesn't feel right or doesn't, like, stick right, then, or if it's not working, and people, you know what I mean, [00:22:00] like, you're still, like, lonely and isolated and not, you know, like, not, like, it just doesn't feel good, then, you know, it's, it's not authentic yet. Yeah, I like, because I think it would be easy to still be like, if you're like reading the room, like, well, what do they want me to be?
Right. You know, and so, but it will, by the end of the day, if you're constantly doing what other people want you to do, then you're going to be exhausted because it's going to be an act. It's a show. Exactly. And then the same thing is once you get comfortable with who you are, sometimes you realize like you, like you.
It's too much effort to be who you want to be with certain people. And so sometimes it's time to like change out. Yeah. It's time to find, find friends who accept you. I think that's part of life and part of, um, exactly like creating who you are. Like there is a lot of people that I had to get rid of in my life or just choose to separate myself from them because [00:23:00] they weren't.
Like on board with the person that I was becoming and I, that was more authentic to me to become what I wanted instead of staying back and being like, Oh, well, these are my friends. So I have to hang out with them and do this. Like, it's okay. They can be who they are and it's great, but you're, you're on a different path right now.
And that's, that's fine too, because you're going to find new people over here, you know, like being willing to understand that and see that is I think a good. I think that's a really important thing to realize as well. I had a, um, friend growing up all through school and she was a curvy girl and had like lack of self confidence.
And so, um, watching her struggle kind of, you know, I started having thoughts of my own, like the only because I was a curvy girl and it was different for me. And I would think like. Only like, and this is gonna sound so crass, so just brace yourself. No, you're [00:24:00] good. But like, only tow liquors, like curvy girls or only, you know, whatever.
And like, it was almost like a kink, not a, just a normal relationship. Right. But that was who she was attracting because of like some low self-confidence and who Right. It was, um, sometimes it was just, it was easy to be around people like that instead of be around people who made her feel good and made her.
And I think that that's like a lot of what I did when I said I was dating desperately was like, I was just going out today, anybody, and then, you know, that didn't feel good or didn't feel like, you know, I was dating down because I, I needed the validation that somebody was interested or wanted me when they go, you know, anyways, and they might, but like.
It was just a date, you know what I mean? And um, so I would date down like if you're swiping left and right and I would see somebody and I [00:25:00] think that they're perfect and amazing, but I'm like, oh no, he's too hot. He would never love me or like me. So I'm going to. Swipe left. It's like, hey, just swipe right.
If you talk, then you talk. And if you don't, then you don't like, yeah, what are you losing? And like, why are you just allowing that person to like, judge you that they've never even seen you in your life, you know, right? So it's like, just, just go for it. Like you're worth. whatever it is that you want, you know, you just go after it.
So I think dating down is something that we kind of do and we don't realize it because we don't think that we are worth it, that we're worth what we want. Right. While you were talking, I was remembering, you know, um, In coaching school, they talked to us about this term called emotional responsibility and how you take responsibility for your emotions, but you also like gift that to other people too.
So like when we were talking about how maybe you weren't being [00:26:00] honest on your profile, you're not allowing that other person. To be responsible for themselves either, because you're not even coming accurately and presenting a truthful front. And so like if you, you said dating down is what made me remember it.
And so like, assuming someone's not going to want you a certain way, you're not even allowing them to have that emotional responsibility or the choice to make it. Yeah, way when you take, like, I'm not going to put myself out there. Well, you just, you have no idea what they're going to say. Cause you did it right.
Or lying about, you know, what your body size is. Right. Yeah. They might've been okay with, they might've even preferred, um, you know, exactly. Or maybe that's not even something that they care about. Maybe they do care about your personality and who you are and what you do and, you know, and they have a range of body type preferences.
Like it's just not a preference for them to have asbestos too. Like a specific body type. But yeah, I mean, I think [00:27:00] that it was, I mean, I think it's just people pleasing and I'm just assuming that, Oh, this person like will be happier with somebody else will, why am I assuming that, like, how do I know? Yeah.
When I first started losing weight, I became very, and I mean, it's like this with everybody. If you buy a new car, you're looking at everybody who owns the same car as you. Right. And so like, as I was losing weight, I was looking at everybody's body type because I realized really quickly, I have no idea how much people weigh because everybody's body shape is so different.
Their body type is so different. And so I was very aware of that. And then in the beginning, it was so hard because I would have thoughts like. Girl, you should be losing weight. That's too much. But that's all of my thoughts I had about myself. I was putting on another person, you know, and so like, I sometimes would even like in like relationships, I would be like, Well, that is a big old curvy girl.
How did she get that hot guy? But those [00:28:00] were all thoughts in my head about myself. Right. And so it took a hot minute to start looking at like, And it was, it was easier for me to accept body shapes and dating relationships of other people than it would have been for myself. Like, no, like I'm still not good enough until I'm here, but like, I did not like how I was talking in my head about other people's body sizes or things like that.
And so when I realized like, that was just like my thoughts about myself, I started making sure that whenever something like that would pop up. I mean, and the people had no idea what my insecurities were that I was projecting onto them. But like in my own head, I would, I would like, I've got to like, I'm going to find something that's beautiful with them, or I'm going to normalize their body or their relationship or whatever it is.
And as I started doing some of that outside of me, all of that carried in inside. Yeah, I think I did the same [00:29:00] thing. I think that was a very natural thing that I would do as well. As far as like, like I. Somebody was working with, and she was a curvy girl and throughout our time, like she, like, you know, came to work, got married, like had this boyfriend and whatever, and I'm just like, you know, like, you know, like all the, like, how come she got away and like putting her down, but it's like.
Why am I wasting so much energy on somebody? You know what I mean? Like focus on myself, focus what I want, like stay in my lane and they have their own relationship and their own, like things that they like about each other and whatever, and what they are willing to date or not date, or it's just their own business and not mine, you know?
So I just needed to stay in my lane and not even worry about it. And the comparison was, um, Like I ended up [00:30:00] realizing like why am I comparing myself and like I'm being a mean girl and that's how I felt. Yeah, yeah. And when you especially when you're comparing yourself, you're only seeing whatever split moment they want you to see whether it's social media or, you know, like how You're in relationships, like how many times have you been like arguing and then you get to someone's house and you're like, sweet.
And like, then you leave again and you're still ticked off at them. And it's like, they didn't see the car ride to get you there. And then like the last, you know, dig before you got out of the car. Like they just see like, Oh, we're so sweet. We're so happy and fun. And like people need to remember like whatever you're looking at, you don't see the whole picture.
The whole picture, no. Yeah, it is the same thing. Like if you're at a party or something or we get together and then they say something and you're like, Hey, as soon as you get in the car, like, Yes, absolutely. Oh, goodness. [00:31:00] Um, I had wrote a bunch of questions because I was excited to talk with you. So I didn't want my brain to stop working whenever I got put on the spot, you know, right.
All right, how, um, What advice would you have, that's where I want to go, what advice would you have for someone who may be struggling right now with their self worth and confidence, um, in the context of some type of relationship, whether they're in one or looking for one? Okay, ask me one more time, sorry.
I know my brain just squirrels off. When people understand me, I'm always impressed because that means you weren't just listening to what I said. It was all the things I wasn't saying to, um, when you, what advice would you have for listeners that may be struggling with their self worth and their confidence in that, uh, context of like a relationship?
Yeah, well, I, I just think that like we were just talking about, [00:32:00] um, when we're having all these thoughts about other people, it's really like what we are thinking about ourselves and we just don't realize it. So I think like whether or not you're in a relationship or not, or whether what kind of relationship that you're dating or, you know, a serious relationship or anything.
I just think just like taking a look at yourself, feeling authentic, like. You know, being understanding that you're not perfect and you make mistakes, like in your relationship, or you might say things wrong or whatever. Um, they don't feel good. Like, it's okay to be able to like, Recover from that and just understanding that you're just not like that.
It's okay. You know? And how, like can you make another decision to do better and learn from it? Um, so I think that that really helps improve that confidence and that self-worth because you are just slowly, like learning from yourself and [00:33:00] becoming who you are. And when you're in a relationship, that communication that you have with somebody is so important to, like you said, like.
The partner that you're with, you should be able to be the most vulnerable and open to. So having that like intimacy of those communications and like talking about that vulnerability and stuff, I think that you get like a certain support. And, um, I think that helps like. With a little bit of validation, right?
Like to know that you're human and like, and doing better, you know? I do. Yeah. Um, I, so I, I, uh, I definitely love, love, love your Instagram and it's so fun because it's a little business. It's a little relationships. It's just fun, like stuff for you. Like I, so it was fun to get to see all of it and you have.
exactly what shape your body is. And some photos, [00:34:00] you know, definitely appear slimmer and other ones a little hippier and like, it's just you. And it's not like any, it's not like a collection of only photos from the From the, you know, top up or just the best angles, you know, and so you have a little bit of everything in there.
And so I love that. Um, if you, and I know that you have a profile, so we'll talk about that, but, um, That and even like, uh, I saw some things on there about kind of like a four dates in four weeks challenge kind of thing. And so like someone is like, okay, I want to date and I want to do it deliberately, not date down or whatever, you know, um, what, what would be their steps?
So I think just like, so like creating, like, I think kind of like, okay, like I've been talking about checklists [00:35:00] and stuff like that. Checklist is kind of like just a bubble, but it doesn't have to be exact. Like it's kind of garbage at the same time. Like you need to like, you know, like roll it up and throw it away sometimes.
But I think it's just like a suggestion of things that you want. I, when I say that is because I had all these things that I wanted. And then I met my boyfriend and he didn't have a lot of those things, but he had a lot of things that I didn't even know that I needed or wanted or expect. Like, it was amazing.
Like I didn't put on my checklist, have somebody that remembers what you were talking about and ask you about your day the next day. Like it actually thinks about you and you know, is. Like paying attention to what you do and what you like and little things like that. Like that wasn't on my list. I was like, Oh, I guess I have a job and it's free and less than a house than a, whatever, you know?
And it's like, no, no, you know, you don't have to have that. So like, [00:36:00] um, I would think like, just, first of all, just having like. Some solid structure of what you kind of like, what you're looking for, what are like the deal breakers and what are like, and being open when you go do meet people, um, seeing if like, there are some new things that you might like and enjoy about people.
Like if they don't meet like a list of something, it's okay. Like they might have some qualities that you weren't expecting to like, and that's what you're learning. And that little checklist, you know, is being like modified all the time. But I also think like being, um, while you're creating that checklist, you create like your boundaries, what you're willing to, to date or who, like things that you're like willing to accept and things that you aren't.
And like, what kind of relationship that, you know, you don't want, like, I knew it was important for me. Like, Through my own experiences, um, [00:37:00] dating somebody that didn't manage their mental health was just like a deal breaker, you know, like if, you know, like you just were sporadic and erratic and wouldn't like take care, acknowledge that you've got some, you know, work to do, or, you know what I mean?
Like, it's okay. And when it was all mismanaged, that was just something that I couldn't, um, date because it just wasn't safe for me. So it was a boundary for me that I. Did not want to cross. So does that mean like you went to a date and are like, are you seeing a counselor, a therapist or some kind of professional?
I mean, it wasn't like, you have to see somebody, somebody, but like, I dated somebody who like their father died. Like when we started dating and it like, Tore his whole life apart. Like it was over and you know, his mom had some issues in her life and she had, you know, she needed some work too. And I just stuck with it.
This like, you know, [00:38:00] relationship because I thought I need to be supportive and this is what I do and, you know, and I'm working so hard to make somebody else happy to like have them fix, like feel better about their. Father passing and their mom being insane, and it's like, why am I doing all the work? You know what I mean?
You wanted someone that was emotionally responsible. Right, exactly. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, and it was just like, I need somebody in touch with, you know, their feelings and their emotions and can like, redirect themselves and stuff like that. And sometimes you would go on a date or you, it might take a couple of dates and you would know, I would notice that and be like, this was not for me.
So that was a big solid, no, you know, so back to like how you get started. So I think that, you know, finding those things. And sometimes you just cover that as your. Dating, you know, uh, not being afraid to go out and date and finding what, like listening to the feedback that you get, if, [00:39:00] if you know what I mean?
Like, don't take it personally. If somebody is not interested, if that goes to you, you don't need closure. You don't know them, you know, just, just keep moving and like, don't take it personally because somebody that doesn't, that isn't interested in you, isn't about you. It's just about them. And so not taking it so personally, not thinking that every single first date is the, um, like the husband, like your future husband, like, it's just a date.
It's two people that go and meet and they see if they have things that are in common. Like that's all it is, is a conversation with somebody and you see if you like. Are interested enough and going to see them again or not, you know, it's not an interview for marriage It's an interview for a possibility of a next date.
Yeah, exactly. And so not really just Like don't take it so seriously as far as like that first meetup like it's okay It's okay. You're not because you're not interested in people sometimes [00:40:00] too So why would it not be okay for somebody to not be interested in you, you know, so I think just Having this umbrella of things that you're interested in, like your yeses and your nose, being authentic with yourself the entire time and showing up who you are and being unapologetic, you know, about it, I think is just really important and not taking that, like that feedback so seriously.
And it's like, you know, like that was part of my four dates in four weeks. Like when I was telling the people in the challenge about the four dates. I was like, the whole point about the four dates, like first, it's not a competition. If you don't get four dates, it's fine, whatever, right? But if you go on the date, like you're just practicing, like having conversations with people, creating, you know, like meaningful experiences, like learning what you like, and you don't like it's a conversation.
It's teaching [00:41:00] you how to accept saying yes. How to say no if you're not interested and say that confidently and not say yes to a day even though you know it's not going to work out it's a waste of your time you know it's a waste of their time so like being confident about all of those things and it's like Going on the day is just practicing, you know what I mean?
Like when you find that man of your dreams, you know, or that person of your dreams that like, you have all this practice, does that make sense? Like, it's okay. It's all like evolve into the, when you see that one person is going to be perfect. This is all the work that I've been doing and it's worth it.
I've heard about like job interviews where people go interview at jobs they don't even want because it takes all the pressure off and it's just to have that experience. And so, like, dating is one of those ones where like, You are working with someone else's feelings. So like it, you know, I'm [00:42:00] thinking in my head, like do that with care.
Like, but some practice dates where there's no expectation and it's just something fun and taking the temperature down on the date and just being like, the date is going to have a conversation with somebody where you're like, you're not necessarily exclusively using them for the practice, but. You know, you just don't know how it's going to go.
So you go out and see and check it out, you know, like there's no harm in that. And that's part of dating. You check it out. If it's not, you know what you want, you move on. So I think just taking that temperature, like down where you have all these expectations and like, Oh my God, I'm so nervous. Like, just take a breath.
You're just going to go talk to somebody, you know, like, I think that that's a big important thing. Because I know I would like. Like work myself all up and like, Oh my God, I have to do this. And I have to wear this and I'm uncomfortable or, you know, and then like you finally go on this [00:43:00] date and it's really not a big deal.
And like, but say they're not interested. And then you're like, I'm way down on myself because I had all of this buildup and excitement. And it's like, just the date. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. So what I'm hearing is you are not. Like your curves are not defining who you are, first of all, but yet they're also not something to hide from people, right?
You are perfectly worthy and capable with them. Or if your body changes, however it changes, you're worthy at all moments. Yes. To have some, what did you say? Some, some not check boxes, but like the, like, um, Intentions, some boundaries of what you're interested in, but be willing to throw them out the window.
Right. Yeah. I mean, there's some deal breakers and some not, you know, like things that you're really like into for sure. But [00:44:00] there's some things that, you know, it's okay. Like there's still, there's still wonderful person and like, it's okay. You know? And then date with some intention. Yes. Some deliberate in dating, but also don't hold it too seriously.
Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Is there anything else you want to add? Um, no, I don't think so. Other than just, again, just being, and this is for anybody, whether you're dating or not, just like being accepting of who you are and being like, just like I said, your authentic self and Is that working on that confidence?
I think that that's, it just becomes, you become like another, like a person that's just like more serving for yourself and more positive and stuff like that. So just keep in mind the story that you're telling yourself in your head and, you know, [00:45:00] decide if it's like helpful or not helpful. Yeah. And, um, one of the first things I do with my clients, uh, with weight loss is we work on gratitude.
And it's gratitude for things outside of you and then gratitude for yourself because it just changes that mindset, you know? Yes. It, if I said, you have to have body positivity and love your body, they're gonna look at me like, I don't even, it's so foreign. I have no idea how to do that. But they can be grateful for their body, even if they don't love every part of it.
You know, exactly. Yes. Yeah. It's work, you know, it takes work. It doesn't take forever, but it takes, it takes work. And I think you always have to kind of like, remind yourself that that's okay. You know, I think it's a decision. Like it's an intentional decision, not necessarily like work. Like it's hard. And, you know, to figure out it's just intentionally deciding that.
That your body is exactly fine as it is, even if you want to change [00:46:00] something on it. Like, yes, you are fine without a partner and you'll be fine with a partner. You are worthy both ways. Yes. Like I have, I have clients that want to lose weight and that's fine. Like I, I can help and coach with weight loss as well, but it's like, Why do you wanna lose weight?
You know, like what are your whys? Like you are doing it for yourself. You're not like, because you like, I have to lose weight because that this person will like me. Mm-hmm . You to like yourself. Like, let's get it together and let's lose weight for us because we are the most important people. And you can still love exactly who you are.
And you can still want to make a change and that's okay. You know, it's just, again, the evolution of the person that you want to become, but do it for yourself and not for another reason. Yeah, I always said like nothing made me wrong to change my hair color and it doesn't make me better or worse to change it.
It's just a preference, you know, and I [00:47:00] love that example of the hair color because there's a certain amount of maintenance that happens when you're changing your hair color. And so when you're changing your body, there's a certain amount of maintaining. It's not going to be sustainable if that's what you want to do.
And if it's completely tied to your, your love of yourself, that value, that worth piece. Then if it feels too hard, it's not going to be maintainable. It has to be just another part of you. That if you're planning on maintaining it. So, yeah. I'm a weight loss coach and I could care less if you ever lose weight.
I only want you to lose weight. That's what you want to do. But like. To me, it's more important to work with you on, like, why you're overeating in the first place and how to truly love and accept yourself. Especially with relationships. It'll be impossible to love and accept someone else if you're not doing it for yourself.
Exactly. And I think that was one of the biggest lessons that I learned about. [00:48:00] Myself. And I actually didn't really learn it until my boyfriend taught me. So it was interesting. He didn't realize that, but all he was teaching you, huh? Right. Yeah. He just wanted to love you wrap his arms around. Right. Yeah.
So this is so much fun. So if someone wants to get in touch with you, I know you have a little freebie for everybody listening. And then how, how do they go about finding you? Um, on Instagram, I am the perfect girl dating coach as well on Facebook. And my website is the curvy girl dating coach. com. Um, I have a few, um, like offers in there.
Uh, Dating profile checklist, as well as like, um, single, like solo ideas, like a lot of my favorite activities that I did when I was single. Um, that like either I did at home or did it to go out and enjoy myself, but like, it was really the purpose of like appreciating my single life [00:49:00] and learning how to be single and love it.
So that was kind of, um, the purpose of wanting me wanting to share my top 20. Favorite single dates from baseball. I saw it. I didn't get it opened though. So what was your favorite one off the list? What? I'm sorry. What was your favorite date off of the, off of the list? Um, I don't know. Like I, I think if it was an at home one, it would probably be like, Binge watch my favorite show, wine and charcuterie, like it does a nice, like, I would just feel fancy, you know, like just getting my wine together and getting my little charcuterie together and, you know, just enjoying a night binge watching my favorite TV shows.
And, you know, I think that that would be one of my favorites as far as being at home. And one about going out, I think it would be traveling. I love traveling by myself. Cause I feel like I'm exploring so many things. [00:50:00] I, as I'm on my own schedule, um, you know, and, um, I get to have those experiences and not wait for somebody, you know what I mean?
Like I never wanted to wait. To, um, to go travel, you know what I mean? Because it was like, why? Why am I waiting? Like, I can go see it right now. So, um, that ended up being like a really awesome experience was traveling by myself. And then I went ahead and did your profile checklist and it had some really great information about like, what to write and what photos to use and how to, how to create that profile.
And then, um, on your link tree on your website, all of that. You have a place that if someone wants to talk to you to schedule a little bit of time, you said that you would help them work through their profile, their dating profile, or how to get them ready to start dating. Yeah, absolutely. Like, so, um, if you download that profile, there's always a link to have access to me to, um, to do a call on that.
[00:51:00] We can create like work on your profile. So if you work on it. And you create something and you want me to help you out and check it like no problem. Just sign up or message me and you know, tell me what you want and what you're looking for and we'll schedule it like I'm, I answer my messages. So, um, that's, that's totally okay.
And we'll, we'll come up with something to have like a really great profile. And, and I think it's important because you get more quality dates. You know, that was the thing that was important for me when I wasn't, I thought I was being honest and it wasn't being 100 percent honest, wasn't getting good dates, you know, and even though the ones that were like, they were fewer and farther between when I was being like, Oh, my exact self, it was like better quality dates.
I can help you with that. Well, Christina, thank you. It was fun. I know I said that I'm married, but I mean, there's still so much to take away from it with even just, you [00:52:00] know, how to think about relationships and my side of the relationship or my body or all of that together. So thank you for coming on today.
Thank you for inviting me. Thank you for listening to the concierge weight loss podcast. Like what you heard today, leave a review or share with a friend and check out the next step quiz where you'll find what has held you back from lasting weight loss and what to do next. You will find the link to this and many other helpful podcasts and videos in the show notes.
I can't wait to see you there.
