2023 - 5:31 LIVE Relationships Public Audio
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[00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the concierge weight loss podcast. My name is Cara Hackleman, and I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. I help people just like you lose weight for the last time. Are you a little people pleasing, a little procrastinating? And maybe a little perfectionistic. Do you eat when you are not even necessarily hungry?
I can help you overcome that so you can finish losing weight and get out of your own way. Join me each week to get a little motivation and a lot of inspiration. I'm Kara Hackleman. I am the. Host of the concierge weight loss podcast and the owner of the coaching program also called concierge weight loss.
I am bringing today a, uh, conversation about feelings and I'm making sure my My [00:01:00] audio is still working right about your feelings. So like breaking the cycle of overeating based on relationships. So today's really talking about relationships. And so much of what I talk about is about emotional overeating, about habitual overeating.
And so, yes, there is definite work to do in the action of emotional eating and in the actions of creating habits. But sometimes if we work on what's causing the issue, we're not going to emotionally eat. So when we work on our relationships, it takes away that desire to want to overeat due to the emotions, right?
Maybe you'll, you'll relate to this. Maybe you find yourself eating to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Something's going on, you're a little worked up. You are afraid of what we're gonna have to talk about. It's already uncomfortable just thinking about it. And so you're eating as you're avoiding the conversation, as you're avoiding the [00:02:00] uncomfortable, that discomfort of having the conversation and thinking about it, all you're doing is keeping yourself uncomfortable.
Um, as soon as you finish eating the, the discomfort comes right back, right? So, eating when you are anxious or unsettled, maybe with your spouse or your friends, your family, your kids. Um, I have a, uh, good friend and she eats often over her mother. So, she'll adores her mom, but yet she has so much respect for her it bubbles up inside of her and she gets all worked up and she ends up eating instead of having the hard conversation with her mom.
Maybe you know what you don't like about your relationship but you don't know how to fix it and so you're also sitting in that discomfort, that worry about, well how do I do this and is it going to be like this forever? Those are all questions that I've either asked or my clients have asked me.
Unmanaged relationships are one of the most common reasons that myself, my clients, that we've all overeaten. [00:03:00] That is what I hear most often. Unmanaged relationships. And we have another person, we know we only have so much effect in that other person, so we put it all on us, and not in a good way, not in a way that makes any kind of change.
change just in the way that has it so that we're totally upset and then we're turning to food every single time, right? So in weight loss coaching, I work with my clients. I've worked through it with myself and so that's how I can bring it to my clients. I'm a certified life coach. So I've been trained in dealing with feelings.
I understand these things. So what we do is we stop overeating right off the bat. So when I work with my clients, I get them to stop. Stop overeating and, um, how we do that is we make a plan, we make a plan. As to what we say we're going to eat for the day, and I'm not even so worried what you put on your plan.
It's just doing what you say you'll do. And part of that [00:04:00] is when you're not eating off plan and you're not overeating, we, we make a plan. We say we're going to listen to our hunger cues. And when we don't, we get to see why we didn't. So it intentionally brings things to the surface. When you are eating on plan and you're eating.
you know, just to enough, you're probably, you're, you're just going with the flow, you're doing your habits and all that kind of stuff. And then boom, here comes an emotion that feels uncomfortable and we want to go overeat. So if we're not overeating, we're going to be able to see what exactly that emotion Why, what brought it on, why it's there, why it's so uncomfortable, and we can work on that together.
So stop overeating. Well, the overeating is also causing your weight gain. So if we stop that, you're gonna lose weight. If we stop overeating, we'll now be able to know what's going on with your emotions so that we can work on those together. We're gonna manage your [00:05:00] relationship with yourself first, and then we're gonna work on your relationships with other people.
Managing your own relationship that you have with yourself, it will carry over into the, what you have, uh, as far as relationships with other people, what you're thinking and feeling about all of those. And so those make it so much easier when you're able to know how you feel and give yourself some grace.
You'll, you'll be able to do that for other people to, um, maintain good boundaries. And this is definitely with yourself and then with yourself for other people. And so we'll talk about that in a little bit too, because that one's really fun. Um, people think that boundaries are ultimatums and they're not there.
They're a very productive tool. Ultimatums are not a productive tool. And then intentional relationships. with others. So really learning how to have an intentional relationship. Um, and that, that definitely takes [00:06:00] some practice. So we're going to start with your relationship with yourself. I start with your relationship with yourself, with your coaching, with gratitude, finding love for yourself, all of those things.
And so with this managing your relationships with other people, you're going to start with yourself. You are absolutely going to need to figure out how to be a good friend to yourself before you can be a good friend, spouse, parent, or whatever to somebody else. And so, I know we're not going to put our marriage on hold or our parenting on hold so that we can figure out ourselves, but when you're figuring things out, make sure that you're putting yourself as a priority.
So that you know, if you can have that good friendship with yourself, you'll be able to carry that into other people. So we're going to start with you. And so we'll figure out how to be a good friend. What is a good friend? Like, and how can you be that person for you? Self reflection patterns [00:07:00] of emotional eating.
So what that means is you're going to create some awareness. You're going to understand yourself, right? And so you just reflect. You're looking in the mirror. You're looking at your life. You're looking at why you're eating or overeating. You're looking. at your feelings and where they came from, why they're there.
Why are they uncomfortable? Why are you afraid of them? So just some of that reflection, figuring out where your triggers are and identify, uh, this one's fun. Identify what you might be avoiding and enabling others to take over for yourself. When you don't take care of things for yourself and you delegate that to other people and they don't do it the way you want, especially when it's maintaining your emotions and they're not maintaining your emotions the way you want.
That's you avoiding it and enabling someone else to take over for you. And, uh, [00:08:00] If you're not that person, I am sure you've seen relationships where one person is doing everything to make the other person's emotions better. And it's not like even just loving, but like where it takes that ability away from the other person and they think that's what they want.
They think that it's just making it so much easier for them. But it's never teaching them how to manage their emotions for themselves. So enabling others to take over for you is not exactly what you want. I know it sounds like it'd be easier for someone else to handle it and deal with it, but it's really not.
It's you learning how to manage your emotions and it'll be so much different. Alrighty, clear boundaries, so I said I was gonna talk about the boundaries, right? So when you define what your needs are, how you want things to go, you're gonna remember the boundaries are for you. They're not for the other person.
They're not [00:09:00] a punishment for you. They're not a punishment for the other person. And it's not going to dictate how you feel. So, when you create a boundary, and I work really extensively in my program with people to understand what a good boundary is and what is not a useful boundary. So, which is an ultimatum.
It's a manual. They call it, you know, like, the rules of life that I expect you to live by. So, when I, when I say create a boundary, just be like, you know, like, these are the Kind of the imaginary rules that I'm gonna live by and I would prefer people to do that But if they don't I'm the one that's gonna change not them.
I'm not gonna demand that they change I'm going to figure it out for myself. So a good example might be I don't let people yell at me and it's not like I can stop every person from yelling at me ever I'm just gonna remove myself [00:10:00] and I'm not going to go somewhere else. I won't, I won't be yelled at. So that would be a good boundary.
And it's not because it's going to change the other person. It just changes for me. It sets some protective boundaries for myself. And it may even be that I decide like I'm going to leave. And then I may decide I'm just not going to be around that person if they're going to continue to yell at me. So.
That is what a clear boundary would look like, and I definitely can work with you on that to make sure that it is a useful boundary that is about you and not really about the other person. I know that one sounds like it might be about other people yelling, but it's all about me because that person is gonna continue yelling.
I'm not stopping them from yelling. I'm taking care of me. So self care, when you take care of yourself, So, what I like to think of self care is if you have this cup of self care, Whether it's with your emotions, your physical body, your stress management, your feelings, [00:11:00] all those things. There's just so much more of you.
You have more of that grace and understanding for other people. It's easier for you to figure things out because everything is not so critical. It's not the end of the world. And so, what I like to think of self care is if you have this cup, and it's full of emotions, this self care act dumps out the cup, not so that it stays empty, but so that you have enough cup to be able to take on more again.
And so maybe it's your workplace, maybe it's, you know, a friend who's going through some tough times and you know, like, oh, it just gives you a neck ache, a headache when you're around them. All those things. Well, if you just keep adding other people's problems and taking on your personal stress more and more and more and you don't ever do anything for your self care to dump out that cup, you're not going to be able to take on any more.
And I'm sure you've seen some people that It looks like they're just cute. Uh, how [00:12:00] do you say that cool as a cucumber? And they're not having an issue They're they're there and like there's chaos all around and yet. They're just smiling or they're just It's neutral, right? There's nothing, they must have some kind of a self care system that it's just not bothering them.
And it's not that they're not seeing the chaos around them or like a lot of times I will be at a place and I know that everyone is stressed, but yet I don't make it about me, I don't take it on, I don't fill my cup up with that stress or I've already like emptied my cup so many times. I can, I can take a little of the stress and it not bother me and self care can look different for each person people always think oh, yeah, it's like a mani pedi or a Massage or something like that and self care can definitely be like that.
Sometimes it's saying no to people Sometimes it's going to bed a little earlier because you know, that's gonna [00:13:00] help you for the next day or taking a walk or spending time doing some hobbies that you really enjoy. So self care can look like anything for people, but I mean, of course it's going to be sleep and water and getting the nutrients your body needs and like taking care of your physical body, but it's anything.
It could, it could just be sitting and thinking, like thinking ahead of time, what, what's going on and how you're going to feel about it. So we always start with the relationship with ourselves. The next place that you go to is the intentional relationships you have with others. And that sounds funny, right?
Because we don't think of it that way. intentional relationships with others. We have a lot of like relationships that are just like, um, I'm at the grocery store and we're both like talking about the price of milk going up. And like, so that's like a small relationship. I'm not putting a lot of intention into it.
The relationships that I want to have interactions often [00:14:00] with that I want to rely on, I want them to rely on me. Those are going to be my intentional relationships. Like with my family, my close friends, uh, my, my son, those kind of relationships, right? So when you're thinking about the relationships that you have with those people that you want to be in intentional relationships with, I want you to first realize they are a human.
You are both humans, and humans make mistakes, humans have messy feelings, we have all kinds of thoughts, and think about what you're in control of, okay? And so I cannot make the other person feel or say the things I want, do the things that I always want. I can make requests, of course, you know, like, do you want, will you do this with me?
Can you do that for me? And they may or may not say yes or no. It's, it's, I don't want you to, uh, trying to think of something, Oh, my husband used to have [00:15:00] medications he was supposed to take. He didn't want to take them. I can't make him take them. And so like I had to come up with what I'm responsible for.
I am responsible for what I'm saying and doing. And I was. So adamant he needed to take that medication when he didn't want to, that I really was kind of pushing him away from wanting to be in relationship with me. And that wasn't effective with getting him to take the medication I wanted him to take.
So. Intentional relationship was, I am going to support him, I am going to love him, and I'm still going to care that he's not taking his medicines. Um, which by the way, he's, he's taking things now, but um, and not because I bullied him into it. He had to decide, he had to work with his doctor and figure things out for himself.
Which is me taking responsibility for myself and allowing him to be able to take the responsibility for himself. And that part can be hard. When you think that your friend or family member cannot [00:16:00] be responsible for themselves, you want to step in because you care so much. It is very loving and very caring for you to allow them And I don't want to jump into saying, allow them to make mistakes because it might not be a mistake for them.
It might just be that they're doing it different than you would do it. So maybe it's just a little messy. And so, um, My, my son has, uh, said many times, like that person, you know, their parents should have made them order their own food more often or, um, that person's never learned how to figure it out. And so I.
I'm sure that we're going to get someplace where, you know, he needs therapy and it's all my fault, but the things I've heard lately were that he was happy that we had to let him, you know, figure out how to order food when he didn't feel comfortable talking to people. And it's in a, you know, a [00:17:00] protected kind of environment, you know, or he would say, I want to do that.
I'd be like, that sounds great. I'd be willing to pay half. You know, and so he would have to figure out how to come up with the rest of the money. Or I'd be like, that sounds great. I, I can't drive you today, bud. And he'd have to figure out how to get a, uh, a ride. And those were important because that was kind of outside of his comfort zone.
And it set him up with some tools to be able to figure it out. I could have just done it, I could have, I could have made it happen for him, but it doesn't let him take responsibility and figure it out, because then he would always be coming to me to figure it out. So, when you have friends and family members and they're not taking responsibility for themselves, they're blaming their feelings on everybody else, everybody else did this, you just take the responsibility for yourself.
You, whenever people tell me like, um, I made them mad, I will take a hot second. I'm saying a hot second. And I will think [00:18:00] about did I show up in whatever situation how I wanted to. And if I think I would like to have done it different, if I, you know, had a do over, I'll apologize for the part that, that I would do different next time.
And I'd be like, I'm sorry, I, I want to show up this way, and that's what I will really try hard to do next time. I'm not taking responsibility for their feelings, I'm taking responsibility for my actions. So, when I take responsibility for mine, and I allow the other person to, I'm not taking on all of their needs and I'm not worried about all of their thoughts and their feelings and what they are and are not doing.
I'm taking care of myself and I then can support my other person, my friend, my family member, whoever. But it's not my responsibility for them to think, feel, do anything. Because it's their responsibility and that's part of [00:19:00] them learning. the process. And so, yeah, I can support it, but it's not my responsibility.
So how do you want to show up in the relationship? Like I said, what is in your control? So think about what kind of relationship do you want? What would you like that relationship to look like? And then what's in your control? How can you figure this out? Um, so if I say I want, I'm trying to think of something silly.
If I say I want my husband to greet me every day with a margarita and a kiss. Well, that's not in my, that's not in my control and so I can request it of him. And if he doesn't want to do that, I don't have any, I don't have any control over what he's gonna do. If I say I want to show up in our relationship where I listen before I speak, well that might make changes in other areas and So instead of him coming, let me think, [00:20:00] instead of him always trying to talk over me, I know I'm just going to stop talking.
I'm going to stop talking and listen. I'm going to, even when I think he's wrong, I'm going to listen and try to hear what he's saying and not try to be right. And so those are things I might be in control of for myself that also contribute to the relationship. I love this stuff because we always think what, like, this is what we want.
This is the picture. I'm going to do this. You do this. And now we'll all be happy. Well, they're not always going to do that. You can't always do this. And so figuring out how to be happy. With the humanity of us making mistakes and being messy and being in this messy beautiful relationship together, put a little intentionality with it, and I tell you it will be amazing.
So, how do you want to show up in that relationship? I, like I said, I want to make sure that I'm faster to listen than I am to speak, that I'm not listening or speaking to [00:21:00] be correct, but I am Um, listening or speaking for understanding more than, um, I'm explaining, um, communication and assertiveness. So that's kind of where I was at with this, but the other part of it is I, I do speak up for myself.
I know that a lot of my examples were about being quieter or listening. That does not mean that I'm just going with the flow of whatever you tell me to do, uh, whatever the relationship, the other side of it is. I am assertive enough, assertive enough. I definitely think about what are my needs and how can I do that?
But those are my responsibilities. So make sure you're hearing that part. My needs are my responsibility. Anything else is me supporting other people. Anything they do for me is, it's a, it's a cherry on top. I am capable of taking care of myself. Anything else they give me is just. [00:22:00] Bonus. Let's see. Make sure I got what I wanted to cover there.
Oh, this part was fun when I was writing this. So clearly communicate the desire for shared responsibility of the relationship. So like with a spouse, it might be that there's no extra outside, uh, Uh, sex. I'll just say that word. So, there's no outside sex of the marriage. Maybe that's a shared responsibility.
It's an expectation. You both agree on it. You don't agree on it. Maybe you should not be in that relationship, which that's a choice too. Nothing's wrong with the other person. If they are not in that shared responsibility space with you, it's good to know about it before it's a problem. They have a choice in their response.
You have a choice in your response. Alrighty. So, create what you need. So I say, you know, make sure that you're taking care of your needs. Create [00:23:00] that for yourself. Hold yourself. I a priority, not the only priority, because I also am a caregiver and, um, you know, have family and friends that I love, but you create what you need and depend on yourself.
The others, like I said, they're a bonus. They're the cherry on top. I want you to appreciate others, even if you think they're wrong. Appreciate them because you've decided that they're important enough to be in an intentional relationship with them, so appreciate them. For their messiness, for their humanity, for their ability to come and tell you, even when it's not what you want, be very appreciative of the other person and it changes some of the thinking you have about it.
When you think first about the love that you have for the person and how much you appreciate them, the rest of it kind of, It, it [00:24:00] calms down some. It settles down so that you're not, um, thinking like. Like this is all too much and they are too much and like all the things they're wrong or whatever Um, I said again and again give grace because we are all human grace to yourself For your humanity and your messiness and to them for both of you Okay So there has been this quote that I just keep hearing again and again again, and I love it I had to look it up Who has said it because it was on social posts and TikToks and things.
So it didn't say who said it. And so when I went to Google and find out who said it, it says that it was Harry Styles who said it at a concert. So he's a musician. And I guess between songs, he just said, um, this quote and it wasn't part of a song cause I was looking for the song that it was part of, but he just said this, he says, fill your own cup.
[00:25:00] He said, take responsibility first. He had a couple little things, trust yourself, take responsibility, said a couple of things, but this is what he says. Fill your own cup, so those around you can fall in love with the overflow. I'm gonna read it again. Fill your own cup, so those around you can fall in love with the overflow.
I love of love that he said that. I love that people heard that, and I hope that they really take it to heart. Because we are, we're a society that's like, I'm su Especially as a woman. I'm supposed to take care of everybody else. Which then as a mom and a wife, it's almost like society has told me that I'm also responsible for the feelings that my family have.
They're not responsible for their own. I'm responsible for creating everybody's feelings. I'm not. I am responsible for my own. And then as women, we also get told that we are not supposed to make ourselves a [00:26:00] priority and that our needs are second to everybody else. Like the, um, If you're a Christian, like the Bible, you know, talks about, uh, putting others first and those kinds of things.
It doesn't mean that you're not included in that. It it's making sure that you're paying attention. You're not selfishly like taking in all your needs. You're thinking about others, but if you're making yourself a priority, you're going to be so. taken care of, so loved, so fed. So all your needs met because you better than anyone know what you need and want and desire and what helps.
And so when you do that for yourself, there's so much more of you to be able to take care of others because you're already at a place of great, like I'm good. What can I do for you today? Right? And so fill your own cup up. And then this part is so great. The others are not falling in love with [00:27:00] you for what you're doing for them.
They're falling in love with you because of the overflow of your cup. You're the example, and they see what you're doing for yourself, how much you love yourself, and how much you love them. Because you already love yourself, and it's not a needy relationship. It's so pure love, and you're putting them in a priority spot because you're wanting to have an intentional relationship with them.
But you put yourself in that intentional relationship. Your intentional relationship with yourself creates the example that be a friend to yourself. It creates the example so that then you're a better friend. You're a better relationship partner for all of the other people. All right, so I've talked about all kinds of ways to take care of your relationship yourself your intentional, you know boundaries and Um, communicating all those fun things.
So what [00:28:00] happens if you don't do that, right? If you just keep doing what you've always been doing, you're going to give ownership of your feelings and your life to others. I heard someone talking the other day and I remembered, um, uh, this, this sentence that I had been told before. When you blame others, you're giving them all of the credit.
and you're missing the credit for taking care of yourself. So when you put the blame on others, you're giving them all the blame and all the credit. So when you take ownership, when you take ownership of your feelings, You are taking the blame, which is nice. I mean, it's not a bad thing. It's great because now you personally know what needs to be changed or how to change it and remember we only can change [00:29:00] so much because of what we have in our control which is us and you're also going to get to take the credit because the credit means that you are taking excellent care of yourself and that you are giving so much grace to yourself and to your um, your person that you're in Intentional relationship with so if you continue doing what you're doing you've got disappointment and resentment with yourself and other people that's a lot of what people are eating over they're disappointed in their relationship they have resentment towards the other person and then they start eating and they continue they continue that eating that emotional overeating to cope with all of those feelings.
With the coaching that I do with people that, you know, we work on that emotional responsibility and being in intentional relationships. We work on, um, um, you know, all the reasons why we overeat, whether [00:30:00] they're habit or whatever, I. Definitely teach you how to take excellent care of yourself. Put you amongst the priorities in your life.
Um, take emotional responsibility and allow it for others. Allow them the space to be messy. Allow humanity. That's what I'm trying to say. Allow yours and their humanity. You're going to create the life you want as you're learning this and your relationships. will, uh, be very intentional. They will be so intentional.
They'll be managed. They will, and not managed in a bad way, but like managed in an intentional way. Like, how do I want to be a friend? How do I want to be a spouse or a mom? Intentional. It's intentional. You're thinking about it on purpose. So you become empowered to manage your emotions, your relationship and yourself.
Um, so it's kind of beautiful. I love it. [00:31:00] I love it. I love when we get to talk about relationships because it's so far from what I knew before I became a life coach. I just expected other people to do the things that they were supposed to do. I never questioned who decided who was supposed to do what.
And I was not giving as much grace as I would like to have. So, I want to make you an offer. If you are ready to feel happy. Are you ready to stop overeating to feel better and truly just feel better? It's time to find another way, man. Weight Loss Coaching is the answer. I help you. I help you figure all these things out so that you are not afraid of your emotions anymore and you don't need the food to cope with them.
You love eating your food. You love eating the foods that you love. And you're going to lose weight. We're going to solve for the actual reasons why you were overeating. So I want you to go to my, uh, website. And so coachingkara. com, if you [00:32:00] are there, there's a spot you can click. If not, you can go straight there coachingkara.
com forward slash link tree. That's where all of my best resources and freebies are. So if you want to set up a time so that we can talk about how to get you into, um, like this. purposeful relationship with yourself so that you can then be a better relationship partner for others, so that you can stop overeating, learn how to cope.
That's what we're going to do, man. So I, um, I've had some caffeine, so I'm a little hyped today. We are going to do that. So there's a place on there for you to schedule an appointment with me. And I would love, love, love to talk with you so that we can get you started in weight loss, taking responsibility for yourself.
That is the kind of stuff that's going to make it where you're maintaining your weight, not just always perpetually losing it, looking for the next fad diet. So that's what I want to do. Coachingkara. com forward slash link tree. Go [00:33:00] ahead and take advantage of any of the freebies on there, but I want to talk to you.
I want to hear all about this. All right. I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to the concierge weight loss podcast. Like what you heard today, leave a review or share with a friend and check out the next step quiz where you'll find what has held you back from lasting weight loss and what to do next.
You will find the link to this and many other helpful podcasts and videos in the show notes. I can't wait to see you there.
