2023 -5:10 LIVE Perfection Public Podcast
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[00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the concierge weight loss podcast. My name is Cara Hackleman, and I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. I help people just like you lose weight for the last time. Are you a little people pleasing, a little procrastinating? And maybe a little perfectionistic do you eat when you are not even necessarily hungry.
I can help you overcome that so you can finish losing weight and get out of your own way. Join me each week to get a little motivation and a lot of inspiration. Today we're gonna talk about the pressure to do it right. So some of that perfectionism we're gonna talk about is it stalling your weight loss, prog progress, which is really the the main problem that we would be having here.
So if you are. If you are noticing some perfectionistic tendencies, you might notice those, but more times than not, you notice that your weight is stalling and you can't, your weight loss is stalling and you cannot figure out why. So we're going to kind of dive [00:01:00] into that today. We're going to figure out if any of that is the issue for you.
Okay? So number one, like I said, you would not be losing weight. Are you not losing weight? Is that the problem? Do you sometimes notice that you have a need for control and order? You just like things to be in a certain way. You like to know what's gonna happen, what's the plan, what, what it is. It's a little bit of control, right?
Just a little bit. Uh, is it leading to rigid and, um, unsustainable approaches to weight loss? Uh, we kind of call it all or nothing. And sometimes you don't think of it as all or nothing. What you think of is I'll start again tomorrow because like today apparently you've made it so terrible you've ruined the day So you have to start over tomorrow so that you have a fresh clean slate because It's already messed up today.
So tomorrow will be perfect. Tomorrow, I'll do better. It will be easier tomorrow. So that's the one I hear most often. [00:02:00] People will say they're not losing weight and that they keep having to start over tomorrow or start over again on Monday. When we dive in with coaching, a lot of times what I hear is that they have a little bit of a fear of failure and they have a lot of criticism and that criticism, it, it results in so much negative self talk.
that it becomes self sabotaging. Self sabotaging to their weight loss. Can you imagine talking that way to yourself all the time? So negatively that it ends up sticking in your head like glue, right? And it just keeps coming out. It comes out in the way you talk. It comes out in your actions. And so you're not losing your weight.
You're not getting What you want done and you probably even think I could do this. Why am I not doing this? And so you're you're clear that it's something you probably could do But then that negative talk comes in [00:03:00] and then you start sabotaging yourself with that. I'll do better tomorrow This wasn't done well enough.
I'll do it better next time or then eventually You start talking like, I can't do this. So it goes from, I can do better tomorrow, to, I just can't even do this. It's all too hard. I can't do it. And so, That fear really grows it takes hold in there and the criticism that those words They mean something and when they come from your mouth, it means even more it means that you don't believe in yourself that you don't think you're doing it well enough or right and That thinking right there.
Can you imagine saying if you're a parent? Listening to this. Can you imagine saying those kind of things to your child? You never would! You would be like, It's alright! You've already come so far! The way you would talk would be completely different. So, So, um, what happens is we get so we're, it's so hard, it's so hard to [00:04:00] accept when we make mistakes and imperfection leads to more guilt and shame and especially around food.
So definitely in ourselves, guilt and shame, but around food. And so it becomes this cycle around food and I'll talk more about that in just a minute. So if this is something you're listening to and you're like, this is what I do. Like I've not had someone explain it to me this way before. That's how I was.
I was like, I do these things and I didn't even realize. That I was doing them or that they were an issue that they were sabotaging me these things that I was thinking and saying How I was doing things starting over again and again, you know the criticism That is what coaching helped me with. Oh, it was night and day when I found it.
So I I was coaching. What happened was I was able to embrace my imperfection. I was allowed to be human again. Right? [00:05:00] As silly as that sounds like embracing imperfection. It honors the humanity in you. It honors that imperfect. Perfectly imperfect person you are. We all are. Nobody is perfect. And we usually give so much grace and compassion, empathy for other people.
We just don't do it for ourselves. So, weight loss coaching really helped me embrace imperfection. And I love that I get to do this for other people now. So, I, I became very self compassionate. Like, I don't know if that's the word. Compassionate. Self compassion, whatever, how are you supposed to say that word?
I, I developed a lot of compassion for myself, I guess I'll say it that way. And I sometimes did, I used that talking to myself as if I was my child or like, that I was, you know, loving on a child, um, how you would speak to them when they're having a hard go at something. And that really developed [00:06:00] even more compassion for my own imperfections.
And so in, in developing the imperfections, it just skyrocketed my ability in so many ways. So dropping guilt and shame about my food choices, about my imperfections. I had a lot of thinking when I first started. losing weight with coaching in this manner, right? The way I teach it to you, I still had so many of those diet mentality kind of things, all those, all they call them fad diets, right?
All the things that you used to do to try to lose weight. They would tell you that it was, this was okay, or this was not okay, this much or that much, and all the different rules, right? And so I dropped so much of that mentality And I started to drop the guilt and shame because I stopped thinking there was only one way to do it.
I stopped thinking it had to be done an exact way and [00:07:00] it had to be perfect in that exact way. So I developed compassion for myself. I, I started to allow myself to be able to grow and, um, try things and make mistakes and learn from them. It was great. It sounded very hard to get my brain to wrap around at first because I was like, I kept having this.
thought. Uh, so I'll, I'll share a bit of my journey along the way here. But one of the things that really stuck with me was I was afraid if I stopped beating myself up, that I just wouldn't stop eating. I thought that me being critical of myself was what was stopping me from eating. And it wasn't, it made me eat more because I would start to feel so terrible.
I would need to eat more. So, um, you'll never, You go to bed every night and you've stopped eating. I've heard other coaches say this, like, Are you eating right now? I love when I hear them say that, because they're like, Are you eating right now? And they're like, Well, no. Okay, well then you stopped. At some point you stopped, right?[00:08:00]
But I had in my head that if I wasn't critical, and if I wasn't even shaming myself, that I would just keep eating. It would be like license to overeat. And it wasn't. And I was, you know how they say, like, you attract more flies with honey than vinegar. Um, when I started giving myself more love, that honey, you know, the sweetness to myself.
I was so more, um, motivated. I was more eager to try. I wasn't worried about getting it wrong or getting that beat down that I was gonna get, you know? So instead of trying to do it to avoid my own criticism, I started doing it Not worried about criticism. It was completely different. I love getting to work with clients and help them see that, that they even respond to their own self love.
They don't know how to give it usually. And it takes a while. I feel like I'm going off on a tangent, but it's related. I [00:09:00] promise. They, they don't know how to give themselves that self love, that compassion. And so, So, telling them it's okay is amazing what it does. They're like, really? I'm supposed to say these things to myself?
Because at first, they're going to think, oh no, that's egotistical, like I am being self centered. I'm, I'm something. Like, they'll have a whole bunch of words to tell me. And instead, it moves them into a more positive, more sustainable mindset. The way they think and feel will be more positive and sustainable.
Okay, so story time. I am, I feel like I'm talking, I'm high on a minute. Let me get a drink real quick.
Alright, so story time. I decided I'm going to start sharing some more of my experience with you. And a lot of my experience, I also have clients with this. So, I'll try to make sure I tell you when it's my story or someone else's story, but honestly, many of our stories, as [00:10:00] crazy as it sounds that there's so many different stories, there's so many different ways to lose weight.
We all usually feel some version of the same thing. So, I felt like I kind of needed to be in control of everything in weight loss. And I wouldn't have said those words in the beginning. What I would have said is, What's the plan? How are we going to do this? I need to know all the steps. I need to be super prepared.
I want to make sure I've, you know, cleaned out my kitchen, my fridge, the snacks. Only have the foods you say I can eat. That's how I would have done this. That's all perfectionism, by the way, if you haven't caught on yet. Um, so I would, I would have the last supper knowing I'm getting ready to, like, impose this diet on myself.
That's what I would do. I would clean out the refrigerator and throw all that stuff away. You know how shaming it is to throw away food? Because you think that that food is bad and that you should have never bought it in the first place and for sure not if now [00:11:00] you're going to be good and try to lose weight.
So that is shameful right there. I love that I don't do this anymore. So talking about this kind of drops me back into that feeling of insecurity for just a moment. So shake it off because that's not how I am anymore. But. I want you to see how I used to be and how different it could be for you. I only counted, right, if I did it right.
I only counted it if I did it right. If I made a little error or if I did almost everything but one thing wrong or if I had a little overeat or I did have like a bite. Maybe my husband came home and he's like, Oh my gosh, I made dinner. I need you to try this and I would be like, I ate off plan. And I would have a freak out and it would just snowball.
So I only counted when I did it every step of it correctly. I only counted. The scale [00:12:00] when the scale was changing that was all that I ever I counted as a success Is that what you guys do do you see like? um, and then that one you can tell that you're not counting anything else as a success because you minimize everything else the Only thing that matters is the scale.
So someone says oh, you know, like you seem to have more energy Or, you know, you don't seem as winded, like you noticed you're not as winded as you're bringing the groceries in out of the car. None of that matters because the scale is the only thing that matters. That's what I thought for so, so long, right?
And then I would dive headfirst into the diet planning and try, like I said, to execute it meticulously. So I've told you guys this story about And my husband, I didn't, when I started getting into this kind of weight loss, I did it because I thought it's the only thing I've not tried. And I want to be able to at least say, claim I've tried everything.
And so I didn't [00:13:00] even want to tell him I had done it. I had so much shame, so much guilt, embarrassment, and I didn't want to tell him. And when he finally figured it out, what he said was, which perfectly aligns with what I'm telling you. What can't we have this time? He was so used to every single time me telling him what we couldn't have because that's how I did it in past diets.
So I'm going to tell you a different way to do this. I am. I can't wait to share it with you. Okay, so a little bit about when it didn't go to plan. Okay, I would feel like a complete and utter failure. Not only did I make a mistake, I am a failure. And like, I can't even say it as, as, uh, emotionally bankrupt as I was back then.
But I felt like a complete and utter failure when I would make a mistake. I would be so embarrassed for anybody to know that I made a mistake. So I usually did my weight [00:14:00] loss alone. I only shared successes and I. I never wanted to talk to anybody about anything that I was learning or struggling with because it would just point out, again, how much of a failure I was.
That led to so much more stress, so much more anxiety, and so much of it around food. So, um, I had this unhealthy, we'll say, coping mechanism. I was an emotional eater, and I honestly, Until I really got into coaching and I started to look at, like, the, the complete array of emotions, I didn't realize how many different emotions I was eating for.
I would have never called myself an emotional eater before because when I got mad, I cleaned. Or I would just burn off energy. And I always thought of emotional eaters as people who were sad or angry, crying, those kind of things. That's not it. [00:15:00] That's not the only emotion there is. And so I am more of an emotional eater out of shame and guilt.
I am an emotional eater especially when I'm bored and looking for entertainment. Or when I'm tired, um, when I'm trying to find energy. Um, a lot of that. Bored eating, tired eating. And my stress wasn't anger or sadness. It was kind of this anxious buzz that it would quiet it down. And I'm going to tell you the food didn't quiet it down.
What did was I stopped thinking about the anxious buzz. I stopped thinking about all the things and it gave my brain a break. I started thinking about other things. So food was a distraction. I was an emotional eater. And it was a coping mechanism. So instead of like just letting the feeling settle out on its own, which this is what I teach clients to do, by the way, feel a feeling, let it be uncomfortable.
No, it's not going to hurt you. [00:16:00] How to get through that, how to deal with it, what to do. And then you can feel any feeling, it's not a big deal. So I first had to stop overeating. I had to stop eating unless I'm hungry. And then you feel all the feelings, which is why it's really great to have a coach, because when you stop coping with eating, then now you are not coping, and you have all of those feelings right there with you.
So, With your coach, with me, I would love to be your coach. With a coach, that's how you can decide, like, what it is you're feeling. And why is it so uncomfortable? What are you afraid of feeling it for? Why are you feeling that? Like, where did it come from? And then figure out what to do about it. Whether it's to just, what they call, sit with a feeling.
How to change it. Like, how do we need to, to talk through this? So that you can make changes, so that it doesn't turn you to coping with food. So. I was very rigid. Like I said, I was so rigid [00:17:00] and that perfectionistic tendency, it was hindering my progress. It was downright sabotaging me. I would feel something I would eat.
I would feel something else. I would eat and it just kept going and going. So let me break this down for you. So I told you I was very perfectionistic. I would make the entire plan. Like I said, my husband want to know what can't we have this time? Because I would read everything all the time. And so we'd be throwing groceries away and or at least hiding them.
I would hide them from myself and tell them where they were at so that I wasn't seeing them. It was a trick I did. I like moved them all on on a shelf so that when I opened the the pantry I didn't see them because they were behind the door. It kind of helped a little. Figuring that I don't need to eat that food just because it's on the shelf helped so much more.
So, um, I, I'm sorry, I scrolled off. Uh, oh, yes. So, whatever would [00:18:00] happen, I would, I would make my plan, I would have, like, whatever the rules of the diet were. Right? And if I did something off plan, I ate something off plan, I over ate, I didn't do it perfectly, whatever the diet plan was that I was following back in the day.
What would happen is I would feel guilty. I would feel shame. I would be very critical of myself. Like I said, I would say the most hurtful, terrible things about myself. And guess what? My brain heard them, because I was saying them, right? That's how that works. And that just, it just puts a heaviness on your heart.
And so between that guilt, that shame, that extra heaviness on my heart that I was creating, I would cope with all of that by eating. And then I would eat and I would realize I made another mistake because now I'm eating again. I would feel even more, um, unable to do this and then promise I'll do better tomorrow, try again tomorrow.
Of course I'm human, so I keep [00:19:00] making mistakes and it just kept moving me further and further from my goals. It also moved me further and further from my ability to even remotely love myself. I only loved myself when I did things right. I only loved myself when I was perfect. And remember we're human. So like I'm not perfect.
And when you only love yourself, when you're perfect, it makes it pretty hard to ever love yourself because you have huge amounts of time where you're imperfect. So, um, that is why I wanted to bring this episode to you guys. This was so important for me to understand that rigidness, shame, and guilt, the criticism, right?
That perfectionism, it not only hindered me, it totally sabotaged my weight loss, but more importantly, what it does to your heart, to your brain, to your ability to have [00:20:00] any kind of belief in yourself. That is what I want to change for every one of you. I want you to feel completely different. Like, I want you to be so empowered and so understanding, so compassionate with yourself, just as if you were talking to somebody else, to a child, your best friend.
How supportive and compassionate you would be. That's what I want you to be for yourself. So with the perfectionism during coaching, I help you figure out how to move past that, how to have different thoughts, how to allow imperfection, right? And so, um, I, I sometimes have to tell clients like it's okay.
wrong, they'll come to me. And one of the first things we do during coaching is, um, every time I want to hear what your wins are every single week, I want to hear what's your wins. Um, and if they say, oh, I didn't lose weight. Okay, great. So what's, what, what was your win? [00:21:00] And so like, we will keep going.
Sometimes it's what they learned, what they tried, that they still did all of these things, even if they didn't do this thing. We will work until we find what your wins are. So when your brain keeps hearing. All these things you are actually doing, you're actually doing them well, even in the midst of mistakes, right?
In, in the midst of imperfection, you're focusing on what you are doing and what you are capable of. And that builds that momentum, that Confidence, that trust that you can try things, they don't have to be perfect. You can try things and learn from them, especially learning from imperfection. When I make mistakes, I have so much more information than when I just did it right.
And so If I just did everything right from the beginning, I really wouldn't have learned how to do it. So whenever something changes, [00:22:00] which life happens, right? Like if you get used to eating a certain way, well, even our seasons change. If you look at the grocery store, the produce of what is available at different times of the year, we have certain vegetables, certain fruits that are.
only available certain times of year. So even my produce options are going to change, right? COVID was a perfect example. People who were used to working out in the workforce, now they're working at home. And like everybody has said, it's so funny because in the beginning during COVID, I had just really started coaching them.
And so, um, people would say, I would hear them all the time. I can't eat. I can't lose weight because I'm at home now and the refrigerator's right there. And then at the end of COVID, people started going back to work again and they're like, I can't eat. I can't lose weight because I, I'm always around the donuts in the break room.
I'm always around the pizzas being brought in. I'm always, you know, out and about, or I have to eat out more often. And it's like, [00:23:00] they just said, you know, at the beginning of the COVID that it was the opposite. So it's whatever we're telling ourselves, right? So they're, It's going to change all the time.
And so as that's changing, like you learning from mistakes, you're going to be like, yeah, that's happened before or something else has happened and I figured it out so I can figure this out too. It grows your confidence. It grows all that in you. And so that's what I want. That's what I want to help you with.
That is what I want for you. Um, yes. So you get more flexibility. More self compassion. You start improving your empathy, your compassion for yourself, your self love. And your self talk changes immensely. And occasionally my brain says, Oh, but if I allow too many mistakes, I'm just going to keep making mistakes.
Good, do that. Do as many of that as you can. Make mistakes all the way to your [00:24:00] goal. All the way. Make mistakes so that as you're making them, you're learning from them. and you're going to try something different. You're not making the same mistake. See how that's different? If you keep making the same mistake, you keep making that exact same, 100 percent same mistake.
Like when I kept eating again and again and again. Now, I'm usually very aware of what I'm doing. And so, if I'm overeating, it will be like a slap in the face. I'll be like, Whoa! What just happened? I know I have been not doing this for years now. Where did this come from? And usually it takes me a minute to figure out what was the new thing.
that somehow triggered the old thing. And so, but I have all of that knowledge in me from doing it before. So now I have awareness. I have the ability. I am so empowered. I can, I can trust that I can do these things. So this is what I help [00:25:00] people with. We're gonna work on your self talk. We're gonna work on your sabotaging of your weight loss.
We're gonna, we're gonna make those mistakes work for us, not against us. Um, you're gonna realize that self compassion and acceptance of imperfection are the keys to sustainable weight loss. Um, not only the losing the weight, but the maintaining it. That's why I call it sustainable weight loss. So, So you do not want to keep beating yourself up now because you don't want to beat yourself up the rest of your life.
And if that's how you lost your weight, that's how it's going to be then. I say that usually around food. If you don't want to have pizza, you know, when you're at your goal weight, then fine, take pizza out now. But if you'd like to have pizza or chocolate at your goal weight, make sure you learn how to lose it having those foods now.
Same thing with the, the criticism. I don't want to be criticizing myself for my [00:26:00] whole life. So it's important to learn how to lose weight without criticism. And so self acceptance, um, acceptance of that imperfection, that humanity that we all have is so important. Um, I teach you how to reframe your mindset.
And, um, I know that's like coach talk that probably doesn't make any sense. What that basically means is that you're thinking and you're feeling, Is what's causing the problems. And so we'll work through together how to change your thoughts, how to change your feelings so that they work for you, not against you.
And it's different for each person what your thought, what your mindset is. And so we learn how to reframe that mindset. So it's working with what we want. It works towards our goal. We focus on the progress, like I said, rather than the perfection. So with progress, there's mistakes that we learn from. With perfection, [00:27:00] there's not.
And it usually hinders our progress and, uh, and, and just so many hard things, harsh things to your heart that I don't love. So you overcome your fear of failure. And like I said, I would never have said that I had a fear of failure, but my actions spoke louder than what my words were at the time. So when I finally overcame that fear of failure, that was when I made real progress in weight loss.
And if you want to keep doing it your way, you can keep having anxiety and stress. You can keep having, uh, you know, what self doubt and criticism and delaying your progress. That sounds great, right? When you're wanting to lose weight, um, and you just keep making it harder. So we can quit making it too hard.
We can make it doable. I love that word. Uh, there was a book. Everything's figureoutable. Um, so doable and figureoutable. Those are some of my favorite words because like, [00:28:00] I don't know. I always tell my dad, one of the best things he gave me in life was, um, the ability to figure it out. We lived out in the country and, uh, my sister and I, would get asked to do all kinds of chores.
And, um, I would say, I think you forgot you don't have sons. And we were little girls at the time. Um, and so we moved out of the country when I was in eighth grade. So I was, you know, growing up out there and we were hauling hay and the bale wire would like cut our little hands. So we learned to put a, a tarp down and drag the tarp across the yard my sister and I and so like we just figured things out figured out how to Drive the the truck at nine years old so that then I didn't have to stand in the back and toss manure I would rather drive the truck than the other so I figured out how to drive a truck We just the ability just stuck with me that I can like I don't know how to do that But it doesn't scare me I can figure it [00:29:00] out.
So when I stopped the perfectionism it It allowed even more of that, I'll figure it out, kind of thinking. So, I really want you to have some increased self compassion. That is, that moves mountains. To have some compassion for yourself, some love, that ability to figure it out, right? It improves your mental health.
So, in this day and age, um, and I think it's actually mental health month when I'm recording this right now. Uh, it was either last month or this month. Like, it's so important how we're talking to ourselves, how we're talking to each other. And so to improve your mental health is huge. And it starts with how you're speaking to yourself.
What things are you saying? And so when you speak love and encouragement, compassion to yourself, it just changes. It changes the physiological of our brain. It changes your hormones and like that is huge. Just with [00:30:00] words, what we say to each other, what we say to ourselves. Um, with my clients, I, I help them set realistic expectations.
And so, you know, if you come and you say I have 80 or a hundred pounds to lose. Great. What, how much do we want to start with? And so, you know, that, how do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? So we figure out what is a realistic expectation. I want you to have successes. And so that doesn't mean you wouldn't lose the whole 80 to a hundred pounds with me.
It would mean that you're going to pick a goal that you can feel very confident that you can manage. And we're going to keep making more and more goals every time. We feel so great. I, I probably, um, and would say that I'm still an adult who loves a gold star and I've just learned to give them to myself.
And part of that is managing my expectations, what my goals are. So self confidence, self worth and weight loss progress. That is what we all came for, right? [00:31:00] So, with all of that, if you have any questions, with this or any of my podcasts or lives that I do, send me a DM, send me an email, it's It's on social or it's in my show notes, whatever you're listening to at the time.
I want to help you. I would love to get your questions. Um, whether it's something I can just send you a quick answer on, or I can create another podcast for you so that I can really make sure that I accept. Explain it better so that, um, people understand it better. I think sometimes I understand it great in my head and I'm always looking for people to, like they're nodding or their facial features to tell me if they're understanding it.
So when I do the lives and the podcast, I don't see you nodding or smiling, so I cannot always judge if I'm explaining it right and it made complete sense in my head. So if you have a question, send me your questions. I want to answer them. I want to offer you. I want to offer you some of my time. [00:32:00] That's what I want to offer you.
I want to offer you my time so that we can discuss how the weight loss and what you're doing, how you can achieve your goals, like what's holding you back. Is there something that maybe you didn't even realize? Let's talk about how you've lost weight in the past, how, what worked, what didn't work. I want to talk to you.
That's what I want to do. So we call it a free consultation is what it is. It's just a bit of time where we can talk about what you want. What you've tried and maybe, you know, let's make a game plan for how you do it in the future, whether that's with me or on your own. It's time to find another way. I tell you what, I spent this whole time telling you about how my way used to be before coaching.
And that was not fun for anybody, not for my family, not for me, not for the people around me. Not for people who looked at me as an example. That was not fun. I want you to find the more compassionate, more loving way that creates the best progress because [00:33:00] it's not hard. It's, it's doable and it builds you up as it happens.
That's what I want for you. So book that consultation. What you're going to do is you're going to go to coachingkara. com. forward slash linktree and there's a button on there that has, uh, how to book that free consultation with me. And I cannot wait for that. While you're in there, look around. There's all kinds of extra fun stuff for you.
Don't get lost. Make sure you book your consultation and I will see you next time. Bye. Thank you for listening to the concierge weight loss podcast. Like what you heard today, leave a review or share with a friend and check out the next step quiz where you'll find what has held you back from lasting weight loss and what to do next.
You will find the link to this and many other helpful podcasts and videos in the show notes. I can't wait to see you there.
