2023 - 5:3 LIVE Public Podcast
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[00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the concierge weight loss podcast. My name is Cara Hackleman, and I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. I help people just like you lose weight for the last time. Are you a little people pleasing, a little procrastinating, and maybe a little perfectionistic? Do you eat when you are not even necessarily hungry?
I can help you overcome that so you can finish losing weight and get out of your own way. Join me each week to get a little motivation and a lot of inspiration. My name is Kara Hackelman. I am a certified life and weight loss coach. I am the host and owner of both said name, Concierge Weight Loss. I help women lose weight for the last time by not dieting.
but figuring out why they were overeating in the first place. I am excited to bring today to you, uh, a topic. So I was kind of writing these topics, writing some ideas down of [00:01:00] what I would want because it's Mother's Day this month. And so I had women on the mind of all things that moms would need to hear all of the things.
Women would need to hear and so today's topic prioritizing self care because right mom never does that A woman's guide to successful weight loss overcoming people pleasing tendencies, right? And so people pleasing that's a cringy word, right? I uh, I don't love the people pleasing word, but That's what it is.
And so any time that We are sacrificing ourselves because it's not right. It's not what other people would want or somebody else would be upset. And we are a hundred percent thinking more about them than what we are. And we're suffering for it. That is people pleasing. So people sometimes tell me people pleasing is when you are [00:02:00] trying to get attention for whatever, but it doesn't always have to be.
It can be people pleasing. But it also 100 percent can be that you're sacrificing yourself, which I don't know about you, but mamas, that's what they do. And so I love that we're talking about this today. So the issue that moms are having is that they are doing this people pleasing to their detriment and they're not losing weight.
Right? So they're, they're not losing the weight that they want. Not saying you need to, but if you wanted to, you're focusing so much on other people, you're not losing your weight. You don't feel like there's time for you. Maybe you feel like everything's too busy and someday, have you heard someone say this?
Someday when things slow down, Someday, I don't know when the someday happens, but I would love to see all the things that happen on that day of the week or month or year called someday. And [00:03:00] so others depend on you now. They need you and you can't let them down. Those are all the problems. That sounds beautiful, right?
They need me. They depend on me. Not when it's at your detriment. And so I wanted to talk about Weight loss for you so that you can take excellent care of yourself. That's what I want to talk about. How that self care will be the perfect thing. So I address people pleasing tendencies. So we have defined it and then we address it.
When I work with my clients, I address people pleasing tendencies. And the thing is, it comes out in the sneakiest of ways. We look at it from so many different angles because it is sneaky and it doesn't, like, you'll address one way and then you'll realize this is really, like, just a different mask and it's still people pleasing.
Um, and I know because I am a, uh, [00:04:00] reformed people pleaser. And so prioritizing your self care, that's how we do this. We build your self worth and we set boundaries. I heard this really great quote the other day and that Because you see I as a woman it has been burrowed into our, burrowed however you say that, into our head that we are supposed to focus on other people and I am a Christian woman so even more so but never does it say I don't know if I said that right.
And I love that this quote comes up, and I love that I love that I love that I love that, and that quote is really important to me. I love that I love that So the quote, and I might be saying it slightly wrong, I wish I would have wrote it down because it just now came to me that I wanted to share it with you, that you [00:05:00] fill your own cup up so much that the people around you fall in love with you.
from the excesses that spill out. And so that is abundance right there. So you're focusing so much on loving yourself and loving yourself in such a way that it creates so much excess that your cup is running over with all of that love, all of that self care, all of that beauty and the people around you are falling in love with you based on your excesses.
And so when I heard that, I was like, Because it was always conflicting in your head on do I focus on them and I find love and admiration for myself based on what I give to them? It's not. You focus on loving yourself so deeply that it spills over into love for other people, the excesses. So I love it, I love it.
So, [00:06:00] we addressed the people pleasing tendencies. We prioritize your self care, we build your self worth, and then we set boundaries. Boundaries is a fun one. When I work with people on that one, it's usually that they're thinking like, it has to be this or it has to be that. It's a boundary. It's a wall. And a boundary It is an idea.
Okay. It's a thought that you have about how you're going to take care of yourself. And it does not mean at the detriment of the other person. It's also not at the detriment of you. It's what you decide you, you can live with. What, what would you like to happen? And when you can't have the first solution, how can you?
I am not going to be happy with what happens next. That's what a boundary is. And I can get more specific in that. I love this idea of setting healthy boundaries. So, sometimes I am like, I had to explain this to someone the other day. I, Love my [00:07:00] family very deeply. Love them. And sometimes, friends, family, whoever, they're the people you give the most grace to.
You love them the deepest. And when they're having a bad day, you're the soft place to land, right? You're their soft place. And you want to be until you become a doormat. And so, you choosing this boundary of how do I let people treat me, and so all it really is, is Letting yourself know you have a choice in the matter.
Most people. Um, I don't feel like they have no choice there, however people treat them and their only choice is to have them in their life or not. And it's not like that, so I, I was explaining that I give the most grace to the people that I love the most, right? I'm usually their soft place to land, so when they're really stressed out they come and it spills all over me.
And I love getting to be that for them. However, When it stops just being that soft pillow, that, [00:08:00] you know, warm hug, that support for them and letting me love on them, and it turns into me being a doormat, I have to set a boundary. And my boundary isn't like, I'm done with you, I'm walking away. My boundary is, I'm just gonna love you from afar for a while.
Because I'm willing to be in it with you when you're stressed. I'm willing to be a soft place. I'm willing to be a resounding board. I'm not willing to be a doormat. And so it doesn't mean I'm done with you. And I probably don't even have to tell you that I've set this boundary. I just decide I'm going to back away for a bit and I'm gonna.
Still love you just as intensely. I'm probably praying even harder for you, but I'm loving you a little from afar and that's how I set my loving boundaries. All right. So there's this lady, right? She always says yes to everyone. She sets her own things aside, her own needs, her own appointments, her own self care, everything sets it aside.
Keeps neglecting [00:09:00] herself. She's burning out. She's burning out as a mom. She's burning out as a wife. She is burning out on everything. And guess what? She's skipping meals. She eats unhealthy to please other people. Not only is she eating unhealthy, she is Not making plans for herself in her weight loss.
She's not showing up at all for herself because she's giving all of it away for everybody else. So, um, That's one lady that I'm thinking of in particular. That's what people pleasing is. Saying yes to everyone else. And I was a bit like this myself. So I was active in church. I was active in youth group. I was active in Boy Scouts.
I was a Boy Scout leader for Gosh, what 11, 11 years, something like that. And I don't remember how many years for youth group leader. And I just said yes to everyone and I was good at doing things. And so sometimes people would say, well, [00:10:00] you're the one who would do it. So give you a compliment. That would feel good.
But like, you know, then you would want to say yes to people and you felt like you had to say yes to people. And with doing that, it left me no energy. So even if I had time, like, of course I'm eating, I would still, I would, I would eat pizza because that was quick and easy and that's what my family wanted.
I was skipping meals, um, for breakfast or lunch sometimes. And I would just go hungry because I was I'm going to talk about things that I've experienced in my life and I'm going to tell you how I I was not having time. I was always saying yes to somebody or something else, taking care of everybody and everything.
So the lady I'm thinking of is so in alignment with how I was, um, and in total, total burnout. Another lady, uh, I was writing down some stories so I could share these with you without telling names. Right? So, um, another lady, she was just constantly exhausted. She again said, I don't have time for myself.[00:11:00]
But then she began resenting people around her for taking all of her time and energy. She gave it to them. They asked, but she gave it to them. And so she began resenting everybody. And it put a pretty big chip on her shoulder. Came out in all her relationships. Well, they should be doing this, and they're not acting the way they're supposed to.
And, uh, the one I'm thinking about, she, um, the biggest one for her was a church group. And so she was thinking her church should act a certain way and that, you know, it was. She said she was disrespectful to her that they weren't acting that way, or they weren't taking her opinions into account. And she was giving all this time, all this energy, and they're not listening to her.
They're not doing for her. And what it was was she was overextending herself to the point that she began to [00:12:00] resent them, and, and everyone around her. So She was not setting boundaries with her friends, her family, her church, any of those things. And so, when we people please, what happens is sometimes we just overextend.
Sometimes it is. It's where we resent what's going on. But in both of those, what happens is it puts us last. It puts us at the bottom of the importance, not a priority, right? All of our needs are not a priority. So we're doing the absolute basic minimum to keep us alive, to be able to keep doing for others.
Where if we really protect ourselves, really give ourselves the best sleep, the best, you know, foods, the best care, the best thoughts, we're taking care of all of our needs. We have so much more energy. We feel so much more loved. Have you had a boss? Have you had a boss or someone else who they're like, you did really great and give you a [00:13:00] compliment, maybe even in front of other people.
You have so much more to give after a compliment like that. You're excited to give. You're, you're coming from a place where your cup is filled up and then all the excess is coming out. So one compliment, the thing is not everybody's going to compliment you and you know how it is. You've heard people angling for a compliment before.
It's not fun. So learning how to do those kinds of things for yourself, setting some healthy boundaries. Not to dismiss people out of your lives, but just so that you have excellent self care for yourself. It's self preservation, okay? Not just for weight loss, but self preservation so that you can continue taking care of your people.
By first taking care of yourself. And here's the thing, when you know how to take care of yourself so well, right? I'm thinking of, like, a babysitter. Someone who has never taken care of a baby [00:14:00] before, they don't know how to take care. Like, they know the idea of, like, Foo, you need to feed the baby, you need to change the baby, the baby needs to be smaller.
Like getting some sleep. They had the idea of some basics. That's where a lot of us ladies are. We know the basics of ourself. We know we need to brush our teeth. We know we need to have some clean clothes, probably should get a few hours of sleep, not anything close to, you know, a full night's sleep. We'll catch up sometime when we're dead.
We, uh. We have all of those things, but we don't really know how to take care of ourselves. So as you take care of a baby, you start learning like, Oh, even though like this is the normal routine. Well, this baby has been, you know, battling teething. So we're going to give a little more care to this baby now.
The same with you. As you're looking at your self care, you're figuring out exactly the best way to take care of yourself. But the thing is, it helps you identify how to take care of other people [00:15:00] too. So not just You're not taking such great care of yourself that all this excesses come out for other people.
You have led by example. You're telling them how to take care of themselves, only by them seeing how you do it for yourself. You know what feels great to you. And so, like, I'm a massage therapist, too. And so I love getting massage. I know what feels so good that when I give that, that massage in that space.
specific spot or way to another person, I know what kind of result they're probably feeling because I know what feels so good. And so when you know what feels so good with self care, you're learning how to do it for yourself. You'll also know how to watch for what another person may need and they're watching.
So they're getting some of that. When you learn to take care of yourself, you stop the burnout. You stop blaming others. You just realize stuff happens. People have thoughts. People have [00:16:00] feelings. And, like, you have understanding for them without having blame. It's different. When you start understanding, it's kind of this, this awareness.
People will have bad days, right? They'll have stress. But It's not your bad day, you're, you're compassionate for them, but it's not your problem. It's not your bad day. You can love them through their bad day and support them without taking it all into you, making you have a bad day. It's completely different.
It's great stuff. I love it. I have been able to help more people because I am not having a bad day when they are. I'm not getting offended when I was their soft place to land. I am realizing that I am. And that was the boundary. That was the line that I'm like, I still love you, but I can't just keep being your pillow to jump on.
Um, your doormat, whatever it is. I'm just going to [00:17:00] back away a little bit and give you some space to deal with it and then love you from afar. That's how my boundaries work. And in that. All of that emotion comes down. So as that emotion comes down, I'm not needing to turn to the bag of Oreos. I'm not needing to turn into all of the bucket of ice cream to make everything better.
I am figuring out how to take care of myself. I know what my body needs. As far as food, I know how to take care of myself. I know that I need to be, um, sleeping. I know that my body does good with a minimum of 64 ounces. And I really do my absolute best closer to a gallon of water a day. Not saying you need to do that.
Let's get you to 64, but, um, I just know how to take such good care of myself and in that I feel so much more patient. I feel, um, so much less stressed. I feel so much more understanding for what you're going through [00:18:00] without making it about me or feeling I'm slighted or neglected or I'm to blame and or even you're to blame in any of those areas.
So that's the kind of stuff I do for myself. That's the kind of stuff I work with my clients on. So weight loss coaching with me looks a lot like that. Figuring out what's going on. We talk through it but not in a let's you know, slam the person get it all out and have. No, like, um, how do I, I'm not even sure how I want to say this.
I keep thinking broken record, but you know, when people just keep reliving rehashing what's going on without having any movement, no momentum to get them through that thinking. So it just keeps dog piling. It's compiling and compiling those thoughts. This is to get you through the thoughts. And I feel like there should be an easier way to say that.
That's more eloquent, but I cannot think of it. So the idea. is that it's [00:19:00] going to increase your confidence because you're fully aware of yourself and it improves your relationships. It improves how you think about others even when they're at their worst, which is the best, right? When you can love a person Even when they're at their ugliest worst, and you're okay, you're so confident in yourself that you can extend grace to the other person knowing that like, you know, someday I might be having a bad day, but today's just your day.
And not take it personal, not accept the blame, but also not even give blame, just, this is where it's at. That's the kind of things that I do with weight loss coaching. All of it is better self care and easier time. This create all of it. It just creates such an easier time sticking with your plan. So your weight loss plans and your ideas of what you would want.
And so, like I said, when you're not so stressed out, you're not so upset at your friends, your family, the people that are asking of you [00:20:00] and you're not blaming them. You're not blaming yourself. You're there's no resentment. You're not turning to excessive eating. And so the whole point of this is to really shore up that.
self care so that then you're giving yourself the best. So there's a two parter here. Like you're not overeating to make up for all those feelings that you've been having, but you're also planning how to best take care of yourself. And then that creates that not even needing to have, uh, overeating because you're not feeling those emotions that way that used to drive you to it.
So we work with you. I've had caffeine today, by the way, so I'm like, uh, the, uh, we work with, we work with you so that you're able to handle the emotions also so that you have the habits of taking care of yourself. Two parter there. And both of them are super important. It's great to, to recognize that together.
So that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to give a little shout out to our mamas, you [00:21:00] know, the women, even if you're not. physically a mother. Women just mother. And so you count in that Mother's Day celebration. You are mothering somebody, I'm sure. We are a compassionate group of women. And so that is where mothering comes from, is that compassion and love that we have.
We're just going to stop doing it at our expense. Okay. So I want to offer you to work with me. I love working with my coaching clients. I love hearing how their minds progress as they're figuring things out, how they're understanding their thoughts, that awareness is coming to why they were overeating and it improves their, their weight loss.
It improves their ability to stick to a plan. It gets them to their goals, but it makes the journey. So much smoother when you're having easier relationships and you're taking better care of yourself. That's what it is like to work with me. [00:22:00] You've learned how to take the best care of yourself, nurture your relationships, not at your expense, and lose weight.
And so all of that. So when you're not overeating, you're not emotionally overeating, all of it is just so much smoother. Then after that, it's kind of like just math, you know, working on your hunger and figuring out when you are hungry and when you're no longer hungry to stop eating. It's just easy after that.
It's just habits. So that's the kind of stuff that I love working with you guys on. That's. That's exactly what my clients find the best benefit is figuring out their thoughts, their relationships, all of that kind of thing. So if that sounds like even a little bit interesting to you, I want you to sign up for a consultation with me.
Let's talk through this, right? What I'm going to do is I'm going to just I have a little bit of time with you. You can answer, you can ask me any question you want, but what I'm going to ask you, I want to know, what [00:23:00] has your journey been like in your weight loss? Why do you want to lose weight? Why is it important to you?
Why do you think it will be better? Those are the kinds of questions I want to know about so that I can honestly tell you if this is the right fit for you. If this is the right program, I believe that it helps so many people. I just want to make sure that. It's the right fit for you. So that's what we're going to do on that consultation.
I'll help you work through some of the obstacles that have gotten in the way with weight loss before. We'll identify what it was that was the problem, um, why different diets didn't work, and how to go forward from here. That's what we're going to do on that consultation call. So it's just a quick time to chat.
And like I said, I would love to answer all your questions. And then you can decide, is this the right fit for you? And. Go forward. I would love for you to have lasting weight loss in a way that is easy to maintain. So, I will talk to you next week. Remember, you [00:24:00] can catch all of my podcasts on whatever your favorite podcast player is, Concierge Weight Loss with Kara Hackelman.
And, uh, in the show notes, The coaching Cara. com forward slash link tree all together. That is where you're going to find that place to book that consultation with me. I'll see you next week. Bye. Thank you for listening to the concierge weight loss podcast. Like what you heard today, leave a review or share with a friend.
And check out the next step quiz where you'll find what has held you back from lasting weight loss and what to do next. You will find the link to this and many other helpful podcasts and videos in the show notes. I can't wait to see you there.
