2022 - 12:21 Fb Live Audio Podcast
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Coaching Kara podcast. I am Kara Hackleman. I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. I help people just like you lose weight for the last time. Primarily people are a little people pleasing, a little procrastinating, and maybe a little perfectionistic. I can help you overcome those so that you can finish losing weight and get out of your own way.
Join me each week to get a little motivation and a lot of inspiration. Good morning! Okay, I just wanted to hop on and do a quick live. I had this I had this coaching call and it brought up some ideas that I thought might be useful for this holiday. So I was actually taking this week off so that I could just really be present and enjoy everything with my family.
But I had a few coaching calls to do. And so part of it was this whole idea of people pleasing. And so as I [00:01:00] was talking to this person, um, They and they're okay that I share these things with you So I was talking to them about um some of Uh things going on at work and expectations about other people versus themselves and things like that We were talking about where did those expectations come from?
and when you're doing things and you're thinking that like Traditionally people pleasers do things to make other people happy You So you're going to do things that you think are going to create a result to make people happy. And so as you do that, you're, um, looking for the affirmation that, that validation that, yes, this was what they wanted.
This made them happy. It fit. It was correct. It was right. And that you were the one who helped make it happen. And so. When it doesn't work that way or when you see that other [00:02:00] people aren't held to the same standard Then we get upset and so in this idea with people using it, especially with the holidays right now because Uh, you're going to be in so many events, so many times you're with family members and friends and other people, and sometimes we have these ideas in our head that it's supposed to be a certain way, or we go all out making this effort so that we try to make it be a certain way, and then when other people don't do it, we're upset.
Like we are trying to please everybody and no one else is trying to please anybody. So that, that puts it all on your shoulders. And then you're the one sitting there upset. And when you're upset, you probably stop trying to please people. And then they get upset sometimes. Um, and they were fine to start with so, or they weren't, but either way, it was what they were feeling.
So with this particular thing, when you have somebody at work, who's not being held to the same standard and you're thinking they should be. There's [00:03:00] some fairness going on, and because it's a workplace, like, usually there's boundaries and standards that are set at work, but you cannot be in control of everybody else.
You cannot dictate how everybody else treats everybody, what standard they adhere to. So what I want to say is, when you are in a workplace setting, and you typically show up every day and perform at a high standard, People expect that from you because that's what you've given them as your history as to what to expect.
You are probably very reliable and that you are giving them this expectation. That does not mean that they, because they expect that from you, have that expectation with everybody else. And so, yes, there's boundaries at work and there's situations that people are not fitting within the boundaries. But for you to show up to [00:04:00] work and you show them what they can expect from you That is about you.
It has nothing to do with other people The other people are only believing that because that's what your history has been You've probably been dependable You've probably been a high performer and really good at whatever the task was and so they realize they can depend on you That is about you and your judgment your character of yourself and what you that thing Push into the world for others to see.
That's the, that's the what you are telling other peoples, to believe other peoples, other people, to believe about you. And so that people pleasing part you want them to Have like you want to do your best, so you're probably a high achiever? But that pleases them. And sometimes it doesn't. So, what I want to, I want one more example here.
The other one that we talked about was volunteering. So maybe you [00:05:00] volunteer at school or you volunteer at church or you volunteer for something. And this was me, like I, I was the volunteer for all the things. And so, and I still enjoy volunteering. Um, so with this, the person that I was talking to, they had said that they did not.
Make it to something they had agreed to come to and that it made other people pick up the slack It made other people volunteer and pitch in and get things done and at first the conversation was kind of like That was what had to happen to make other people do things But really like we can't make anybody else do things because those people could have just as easily not picked up when the person didn't come so With that we started talking and it was so interesting because I was like, why do you volunteer?
Like I understand why you work you you work because you get paid. That's an easy answer, [00:06:00] right? You also work because you um You might feel fulfilled or you might enjoy learning or helping or whatever your job entails, right? There might be enjoyment outside of the paycheck, but when you volunteer your time, you're not getting paid.
So what is it? That you're doing it for why do you enjoy volunteering? And this particular person said because it fills their heart up and I said, okay, it fills your heart up and they were like, yes And I Um, and they said, so you're not volunteering as much now and they're like, no, I'm like, what's filling your heart up now?
And they realized that they were getting their heart filled up with all of these, uh, activities that they were like, uh, just things they were doing with friends and family now. And that was filling their heart up. And so with this particular person, they've been coaching for a while. And I started to also [00:07:00] question, they were filling their own heart up by realizing what Filled their heart.
They enjoy volunteering some they enjoy spending time with friends and family and they are beginning to take that Pressure off of themselves of that expectation of what they have to do what they should be doing It's still a work in progress. So they're figuring out like, uh, what expectation is okay and what isn't for themselves, and they're the only one who can decide that.
And so if it doesn't feel good, well, is that your cue, like, that you're having a thought or doing something that you really don't want to be doing? So like when you're going, let's just use church, when you're going to church, volunteering, how noble that sounds, right? And you're mad at everyone else for not doing their share.
You're upset because they're not And so when you're thinking that other people are supposed to do things and you're not noticing what all you're doing or you're the only one who's having to do anything, that's probably not honestly filling your heart up. [00:08:00] And so it's not saying you can't volunteer or that it's just about your mindset shift.
So you might have heard me talk about your thoughts and your actions, you know, your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, right? And so when you're thinking that other people are supposed to do things, And you're feeling that, let's see, what would you be feeling? You might be feeling angry or you might be feeling, um, mad.
You might be feeling, um, disappointed in other people. Well, it's not filling your heart, which is why. The entire intention of going and volunteering was going to be was to do something you enjoyed and it to fill your heart. And so the thinking about all the other people is the is the issue. It's not whether or not they want to volunteer.
You didn't volunteer so that other people would fill their hearts, too. You filled your own heart. So Like i'm this is the point like [00:09:00] people pleasing right is when you are doing something To make someone else happy And if they're not happy, then you're not happy So if they're not acting the way you want them to if they're not doing what you expect of them Whether that's to do work Or like you're the example.
So you're having them like you're expecting them. They should be doing more work or you, they should be matching whatever you're doing or whether it's giving you gratitude. So sometimes people, um, and this wasn't the case with this particular coaching person, but like sometimes people want the accolades, they want the thank yous and, Oh, you did such a great job.
And, um, we couldn't have done this without you kind of thing. And that, I mean, that does feel great. But as you say, those things to yourself, you don't need to hear it from other people. You already know that you did your best or that you did a good job or that, um, you know, that you put something out there into the world that is helpful and [00:10:00] you can't dictate whether people are helped by it.
And so you created some value with your help and other people get to see what they, what they do with it. So it's just really interesting. So this idea in my head came that there is a difference between a people pleaser and a person who is pleased by other people. Like you're pleased, like the filling your heart up kind of situation.
So you are pleased. And other people might be pleased, too, but you are pleasing yourself by, um, doing these things. So, like, when you are doing it for yourself, your heart gets filled up. As a people pleaser, you're looking for the other person to get pleased. And so, as a person who is pleased by helping people or doing things for people, You are pleased just by the action that you did and anything that the other person does or says is just bonus.
It's just [00:11:00] extra frosting on the cake, right? And so that is really the mindset shift that you want to kind of get to. Let them have their thoughts or their feelings. Let them do or not do whatever they're going to do. And you get to decide what fills you up. So in this holiday season, I want to make sure you're doing things that please you.
And if they please the other people, bonus. So as you're doing things like going to a holiday party or cleaning up after people or making meals for people, maybe they didn't say, Oh, this was the best mashed potatoes I've ever had in my whole life. But you know that like, Hey. I heated these things up from the Bob Evans package and they are amazing or I boiled all the potatoes and I made these suckers from scratch for you people.
So whatever it is, like it can be your heart pouring into other people regardless of how they take it. So you can [00:12:00] please yourself and be absolutely happy and so you can be that kind of a people pleaser or you can be the kind of people pleaser that. demands and expects the other person to have a specific reaction.
And so this is so important this time of year because we are around so many people. Um, you're probably gift giving if you participate in that type of the holiday and understanding that people don't have to have a specific reaction that that the magic happened as soon as you decided to think about the other person and give them a gift.
And regardless of what gift you were given, the magic happened when they thought of you and even thought about giving you something. And so just however you want to treat this year, People pleasing doesn't have to be a bad thing. Just manage your mind on what the expectation is. Is it for you to get filled up in [00:13:00] your heart?
Or is it for them to fill up your heart? Decide on that and then have a great holiday.
