2022 - 7:19 Self Love Audio Public
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[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Coaching Kara podcast. My name is Kara Hackleman. I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. Each week, I will give you information and tips to keep you motivated and inspired. You will lose weight by managing your habits and your thoughts. You too can finish losing weight for the last time and I can help.
When people come to me for help with weight loss, we begin by addressing habits, simple, doable habits that they can start gaining some momentum Typically, before long at transition, as they realized food was not the problem, they were using food to comfort, entertain, de stress, and to replace so many other feelings.
They learned to eat food they enjoy for hunger. They begin noticing all the emotions they previously ate for. I help with these emotions and the habits of eating for them. Commonly, I start picking [00:01:00] up on some threads of lack of self love. It looks different for each person. Some will tell me how their body isn't good enough, how they will never be able to lose weight, they, they just cannot, not in the cards for them, or they are not good enough or capable enough.
Sometimes they tell me why they don't deserve weight loss or something else in life. Just can't figure it out. Sometimes it comes out in putting others first. I'm a wife and a mom. I am familiar with putting others before yourself, but not at the point of putting yourself down. It's supposed to be selfless.
As in, a not me first attitude. However, when you totally neglect anything for self, there is nothing left of you to give. Love and care for yourself, and share from that place. When you understand that food is not the problem, and start managing the things you are eating for, I introduce self love and the faces of it.
Self love means [00:02:00] accepting your strengths and weaknesses, and everything in between. Any perceived weakness does not change your value, your worth. You are worthy, valuable, enough, because you simply exist. A baby does not earn or lose its worth, and neither do you. You do not have to do anything to be good enough.
You simply are. This is something that I struggled with. I found it to be true for others, for sure they were worthy at existence, and yet I kept trying to earn or prove mine. I was told once that I only did stuff for others for the attention. I was told that I was fake and that I wanted the praise, that I was trying to be better than others.
I thought on that for a while. Of course, I don't think they really knew what was going on in my head. Who does? Maybe not even me. However, I still looked to see if there was any evidence of what was [00:03:00] being claimed. I was doing things definitely out of love, but there was a slight ring of truth. I did like the attention.
Not because I wanted to be better than anyone else, but because I didn't even feel my own worth or value was there. equal to theirs. As people would give praises, I would lean on their words to think that maybe, maybe I might be okay. In these phases of self love, you will get to a place that you do not need external validation.
As you move through the phases, you become emotionally responsible and are able to provide your own validation. Let's start with phase one, self loathing. Self loathing can be different. Anything from low self esteem to self hatred. This doesn't have to be noticeable to anyone else. As in my example of my own lack of worth, sometimes it is confused with ego or narcissism.
The person looks externally arrogant, but really it is [00:04:00] to cover up Feelings of extreme lack. The first step would be to realize everyone has worth value. You cannot earn more and nothing can take it away. As I said, I didn't think this was true for me. My brain would find evidence of how it didn't apply to me.
Brains do that. They find evidence of what you are thinking. You will have to practice looking for evidence of worth. I ask my clients to start with a gratitude list. Each day, write a few things you are grateful for. That puts your brain in a place of open appreciation. Then start finding thoughts that sound believable.
Mine was that I could believe other people were valuable. Other people didn't have to earn it and couldn't lose it. Then I questioned if that is available for them, then surely it must also be for me? Question mark? That opened me to the possibility of it for myself. Then you keep [00:05:00] practicing and correcting when your brain goes back to old thinking.
The second phase is self aware. Having conscious knowledge of one's own character and feelings, you become aware of what makes you, you. If you started in the self loathing stage, you are probably very aware of what your tendencies are and your feelings. In this phase, you're just noticing, not changing, not judging.
Imagine you're somewhere just people watching. You are curiously watching and paying attention to yourself, taking it all in, and the only purpose is to notice it and name it. Name what you are feeling. Notice where it might have come from, what the intention is. Again, you are not judging or changing anything.
You are just aware of your strengths, your abilities, and anything that might be a perceived weakness, your personality, all your feelings. [00:06:00] The third phase is self acceptance. Understanding and accepting one's own abilities and limitations. This is where you start believing that you have differences from others and that it's okay.
I like to use the word okay, because it is a completely neutral word. Okay. Remember, you are not more or less than. It is okay. It is normal for you to have differences from others. At this phase, you're neutralizing those differences. You are not better or worse. They are not better or worse. As you neutralize those differences, you will normalize them for yourself and for the other person.
I want to take a moment to clarify. This is not permission to not do your best, what you are capable of, but to realize that none of it takes away from your None makes you a better or a worse person. Imagine a room full of children playing. Some are talking and [00:07:00] playing, some are not, some are loud, some are mischievous, mischievous, some are timid.
Is there any child that is not lovable for their differences? Even the child who steals toys. Still lovable, still valuable, and every bit worthy of love. Practice normalizing differences. Again, it may be easier to find others differences endearing, not good or bad, just who they are and how they respond.
Sweet little quirks. I think about how boring it would be if we were all the same. Instead of trying to compare or become someone else, I Celebrate the differences. The differences are interesting. The differences are endearing and beautiful. And all the more to love both the strengths and the limitations.
Keep applying this to your thoughts about your feelings and abilities. When you know what your abilities and limitations are, you can be kinder and gentler with [00:08:00] yourself. Knowing that some things trigger insecurity, or take longer for you. You may know that you don't enjoy some things, and that you can do with less time around other people.
Maybe you know that you are not typically the initiator in your friendships and relationships. Just being aware of yourself gives you such insight. Again, you are not comparing or judging, just understanding yourself to help you completely know and love yourself more. Exactly as you are. If you know that you feel uncomfortable in large groups of people, you may give yourself grace by resting up for an event or giving yourself permission to leave early.
You know yourself can make plans not to change anything about you, but to create success in what you are doing. You can feel love and kindness for yourself and still do all the things. You love yourself enough to know how to take care of yourself in any situation. [00:09:00] I like to think of the famous and their personal assistants or a big business person who has a personal secretary.
The assistant and the secretary, they know their employer so well that they set the day up to lead them to success and accomplishment. They're not trying to change their employer. They're simply making it work. Thinking ahead and through that complete personal knowledge of all their employers attributes, all of their preferences, everything that makes them who they are, making it all of it come together.
For their employers best think of yourself as the a personal assistant for you know all of your preferences feelings attributes. Now, how can you lovingly make things happen for yourself? The fourth phase is self love a regard for one's own well being and happiness. As you progress to this phase, so far, it has been a journey of self discovery, acceptance, and [00:10:00] understanding.
You indeed are learning yourself, believing that your worth simply exists, normalizing and neutralizing differences, and even beginning to celebrate the differences. Now, let's be a bit more intentional. If you are not already, begin including yourself in the people you love. Really begin intentionally saying the words, I love you, because now that you have begun finding attributes and strengths, it might be a little easier to find things you are good at or things that you do like.
Keep doing this. If something you are not fond of comes to mind, practice thinking, I love you even with that thing or because of it. Find ways through word, action, meditation to practice that self care. This is a practice and will be something you do ongoing. You may find it [00:11:00] beneficial to create some boundaries with yourself and others.
Maybe you make a boundary with yourself that you are no longer allowing yourself to speak negatively about you, your abilities, or your body without following it up with two things that you love. I say two because it's been a well worn path of previous negative self talk. And those negative words you speak to yourself take twice as much or more to move to a new habit of self love.
Maybe you make a boundary that you don't believe what others say, good or bad, about you without first running it through your own filter. You then can think, yes, I agree, or no, I don't, and not let that person's words become your truths. You may even decide to clean up some of your relationships and social media.
You may find that some of them are no longer serving this self loving person that you are cultivating. No, they served their purpose. [00:12:00] In the time they were with you, even if it was to lead you to where you are and who you are today, which leads me into the importance of emotional responsibility.
Emotional responsibility is the understanding that each person is responsible for their own emotions. Emotions are created by feelings. We think someone else cannot make you feel something they may say or do something, but you have a thought about it. that creates your feelings. Just like in the above example, you may pass their words through your filter and agree with them or not.
Emotional responsibility is remembering that the other person isn't causing your feelings. You are. The same with them. You are not causing their feelings. They are with their thoughts. You begin, you be, you being responsible for your feelings and allowing others to take the responsibility for theirs can bring you so much peace.
The last [00:13:00] phase, unconditional love, affection without any limitations or conditions. Sounds easy, right? I have alluded to it all along. No judgment. Just awareness, acceptance, understanding. Unconditional is all of these things. It's just love. If you have people in your life, you probably have someone, who no matter what they do, you just love them anyway.
Maybe it is a child, or a sibling, a best friend. You know all of their limitations, but what you seem to notice is that, You focus on all the best parts of them. You love them for all those reasons and the limitations only endear them so much more to you. You love them because even with their limitations, they are still all their best part.
See, you're not blind to the other side of them. You simply love them so unconditionally that [00:14:00] none of it matters. None of it is cause for you to diminish your love. You may be wishing more for them and would love to make a few changes, but only because you see their potential. You love them and want whatever the future can bring for them.
See how this potential for change doesn't change their worth or their value, their ability to be loved. Now apply all of that to yourself, know your strengths and your weaknesses and love yourself no matter what. Know yourself better than anyone else and want whatever possibilities hold for you. And know that you are completely perfect and amazing even without any change or growth.
Know that any changes or growth that come, they come from abundance. That you already contain all that you need. You are already enough. already perfectly worthy. You never would need to change, but that because you [00:15:00] love yourself so much as is exactly as you are, that growth just creates even more abundance, not making you better, Just more.
If you enjoyed what you heard today, you have to check out the free five day quick start course and get started losing weight for the last time. You will find the link to this and many other helpful podcasts and videos in the show notes. I can't wait to see you in the course.
