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righty, let's get started. Okay, I'm coming. You're a loser. Going to get the video started. We're going to start with a video and then we will have a discussion right after.
Let me get that started for us. So share my screen and then we'll have a quick video. Let's see if I get audio this week. I've been working on it, trying to make sure I understand how to get the audio started.[00:02:00]
I am going to hit mute on everybody because somebody has audio on you all. There we go for that. Try this video one more time. I got sidetracked on that audio.
Today, we're going to watch, um, just a quick little video clip. I am here, deal with it and talk about that at the end.
Here it goes. All right.
I am here. It was an affirmation I heard on a podcast the other day. I was thinking about what the three little word affirmation would have brought up for me at the beginning of my journey and how different it looks now. [00:03:00] I definitely would have whispered it, hoping no one noticed I am here. I would have said it in a whisper so that I wouldn't have disrupted them with my presence.
So I could blend in and read the room, deciding what version of me they wanted. I would figure out, did they want a calmer version of me or the start the party? I am here to entertain you version in the past. I had a lot of thoughts about myself and did not know that there was any other way to think about me or those around me through the course of this program, my weight loss, self discovery while actively managing my thoughts.
I have had so many things come up. This is a good thing, even if it didn't feel like it in the moment, getting to manage your thoughts, think through them, process them, understand, and maybe clean them up is such a blessing. Awareness and [00:04:00] understanding is a huge gift to yourself, but to be able to clean up and even correct useless thinking.
That's life altering. The affirmation, I am here, definitely brought up so many of those old thoughts that were triggering for me. I remember when I was first starting, I had this thought that my friends didn't always like me. I countered a defensive, protective thought that I didn't always like everything about them either, but the people pleaser in me wanted them to like all of me.
However, I didn't like all of me. I thought I wasn't worthy that I wasn't enough for them or for anyone. Definitely not enough for myself. And I didn't understand how to be worthy or enough for anybody. I was continually looking for external validation from friends and family. And when I didn't get that validation in a way that I wanted, [00:05:00] I wanted to feel I internalized that I wasn't enough.
I was lacking. I thought that they didn't really like the real me. I had been told that I was a lot, but most people said it as if I was just a big presence that they really enjoyed. I always questioned if that was just them being nice or if that was really what they believed. There was one person who said I was a lot as if it was an insult.
I went even deeper that I was not valuable. I was not worthy or enough that in fact I was too much and that was not a good thing. I went through the processing of my thoughts and feelings around this many times. One day it just clicked that her saying that I was a lot had nothing to do with me. It did not mean that something was wrong with me.
It had everything to do with what she could handle. She was simply asking for less. [00:06:00] Nothing was wrong with my energy and excitement. She and her anxiety was just needing less. Her statement was all about her. For a while, I made her statement instead mean something was wrong with me and then something wrong with her.
However, there is some beauty in knowing what you need. Maybe it wasn't so beautiful how she told me. And I, even one time I told her, I was not a lot and that she was always welcome to go find less. I was kind of snarky. She did hear how her words were being interpreted and has never said that again to me.
She may not be processing her own thoughts and saying it the nicest. So I chose to give her grace and understanding. There is so much to learn in this one interaction. Her needing less and me being exactly who I am. Neither is wrong. Her needing less is [00:07:00] her need. And nothing is wrong with me. She may just need quieter and calmer, but there is still nothing wrong with my volume, my energy, and my excitement.
Because I do care, I can choose how I influence a situation. I cannot make her think something different, feel something, or do anything, nor can she make me. However, I I can influence the circumstance. I can choose to be quieter because I care about her. Me choosing to be quieter does not mean I am changing myself because something was wrong with me.
It means that sometimes I choose to influence someone else's day to potentially give them a circumstance that may help them think peaceful or more positive thoughts. Maybe just make it a little easier for them to have those thoughts. This is me choosing to love her [00:08:00] and what she may need. I am still 100 percent me.
Nothing is wrong with me if I am quieter or if I'm not. So when I was told that I was a It was my thoughts that created the sadness, my thoughts that I agreed with her, my thoughts that I thought she didn't like me. I created those thoughts and the feelings because I care. I go back and think if I could do it over again, would I do it differently?
Sometimes I might be quieter, calmer, sometimes in other situations, I think about how I showed up and if I wasn't, well, I would, I would want to do again the next time. Then if it's not how I would want to show up, I am quick to apologize and explain that I didn't show up the way I wanted and what they can expect from me in the future.
I am not apologizing for being a lot or for [00:09:00] existing. I no longer apologize for taking up space or inconveniencing you. They can take the apology or not, and I am not any better or worse if the If they accept the apology and remembering these old thoughts, I remember I used to drink and sometimes be the life of the party.
People would have fun with me until until they did it, I would be told that I should slow down or settle down I wasn't really even drinking very much. It just didn't take very much alcohol for me to let down any, any, any walls or boundaries. I would have thought I would have thoughts that to make them happier, I would need to be more, or I would need to be less for the most part.
I just don't drink much anymore. I am more in control of who I want to be without as much alcohol. I'm not saying I was getting drunk, but I [00:10:00] just like to operate on all cylinders. Now I process my thoughts more intentionally without alcohol, and I still can have so much fun without alcohol. Now that I'm not worried about what they think, I don't need the alcohol to turn off that brain of what are they thinking about me now?
I just have fun. I truly have learned to be okay with myself as I am and how I want to be. Sometimes that may be fun, crazy and silly, or sometimes it is a little quieter, more observant, calmer, but it is not because of how others want me to behave. Now it is just who I am, who I want to be. I am here now would be like.
I am here. What can I do? How can I help? I am not a people pleaser anymore in the way that it would be to my own detriment, but I truly find joy in helping others. So the, I am here would be put me to work. It might also be let [00:11:00] the party start. I am ready for a good time. The I am here now would be love it or leave it.
I am here. Enjoy it or deal with it.
Let me get that off. If you'd like to be part of the, all right, does that I
did I know you're from chat.
Did I am here. Did it. We think [00:12:00] for you,
Jackie, did you have, um, no, no, not right now. Okay. Um, is I, um, uh, it's a bridge. Yes. I often feel don't want to be noticed, which go back and forth with that self. So I totally understand it. So when we talk about, so it's in group situation. This is important because we don't typically eat just because of food.
This is just one more thing that happened over time. And so understanding really your thoughts around yourself, understanding Other people can totally thought about themselves, about [00:13:00] you, and none of that means anything about you. Their thoughts about them, a hundred percent, are about them. Even their thoughts about you are about them.
And so, my thoughts about you are about me. My thoughts about me are all my responsibility. So it's learning responsibility. When you are You are 100 percent responsible for your emotions. My favorite example that I've ever heard was somebody said that he told me I have beautiful hair. I was like, oh, bleh, that's awful.
Because I know I Purple hair, or be mixed up in color, you're confused, or maybe you've got some, I don't know. That means [00:14:00] 100 percent about me, and I can just let you be rocked over there without feeling anything. I don't need to There's a spot, a highlight for that, purple hair, you know, you can 100 percent say that, you know, what the heck they were talking about, it doesn't matter.
So, the same thing, if someone calls or says something that, feelings, them saying something did not hurt your feelings, that just happens to be the circumstance. Because just like you're telling me I have purple hair 100 percent off base, I personally believe that they are wrong and not feel that need to have to, uh, Are you guys able to hear me?
You're kind of cutting in and out. I am. Yeah. Let me switch my phones real quick.[00:15:00]
All right. Can you hear me better now? Oh yes. Okay. I'll just try to start remembering to use that one instead. Okay. What did you hear me say then? Since I am not sure what you actually heard me say.
You were kind of in and out. So I didn't hear what it. Okay. I'll repeat. It's okay. I'll repeat it. So I said that like the best example I ever heard was you have purple hair and I can be like, bless your sweet soul. I don't have purple hair. You're crazy. You're flat out wrong. And I don't feel the need to explain it to you that I don't have purple hair.[00:16:00]
And that the reason why this is important is because we don't typically eat just because of food we're eating, because we have a thought that something's wrong or it's upset us. And we are not emotionally responsible yet to be able to deal with that. So as you learn that emotional responsibility, that your thoughts, your feelings about yourself and about others are your responsibility, their thoughts.
About themselves and their thoughts about you. Those are all on them. And so as you become emotionally responsible, it allows others the space to be emotionally responsible too. I always like to joke and say they can be emotionally responsible and still be wrong. But then being wrong is my thoughts.
About it. Am I cutting out still? No, it's just my volumes. Okay. So that's why it's so important to talk about this. So, um, have, have either of [00:17:00] you had a situation where somebody has said something and, uh, you thought what they said was what hurts your feelings. I definitely have. Um, when you were talking about, um, something about your dad.
Saying to you about, um, you should not eat the hamburger or the french fries because you need to start watching your weight. Oh, you're talking about one of the first videos in the, okay. Okay. So that has happened to me before too. It's like, okay.
Someone's opinion of me, like. All the women in our family on my mom's side, oh, we struggle with weight. And so the men don't struggle with weight, but they like skinny women. And they'll make comments to us about, oh, well you put on some weight there. [00:18:00] And so I know exactly how you were feeling when you said that, because I've also had weight that has stayed on from my daughter, having my daughter.
And I just feel like, um, those are opinions that they should keep to themselves because it's hurtful and they shouldn't say that kind of thing. That is such a funny thing. Okay. So when you,
when you start realizing people are allowed to have any thought they want. Mm hmm. Then they can have that thought. And then sometimes you'll, you'll even be like, I'm okay to hear it because it does. It's like Teflon slides right off me, you know, doesn't matter to me whatsoever. And then other times you might say like, Hey, I have a boundary, like [00:19:00] you get to say whatever you want to say, but if you want me to be around you, I will not tolerate you talking about my size, my shape, my eating, my weight, any of that.
And so that beautiful thing about a boundary is it doesn't get them to have to be any different. It's just setting up like, this is what I will or will not tolerate anymore. And so they still can say, like Bridget's over here saying, yeah, she hates when people tell her that she's a healthy shaped girl.
Oh, wow. Healthy, healthy, she a healthy shaped girl. Yeah. She's, she's, she's a healthy girl. So like, and the thing is like, and I, I know I'm way more, um, I don't want to say aggressive, but like, I, I will say it the way that I think it, but I say it kindly and not everybody is as quick on their toes to say something.
And so like, if I witty, there you [00:20:00] go. And so, um, quick on the draw, whatever. And so like, I know, like if someone told me I was a healthy shaped girl, I'd say, oh, well, I'm glad I don't have, you know, anorexic or I'm not, Or I'm not, you know, third world country skinny or something. Like, did you have an expectation of how I needed to be shaped?
And like, depending on my day, I might say something, you know, witty like that. And, uh, and nothing against the anorexics. Cause I know this is like a public call and other people might listen to it in the future, but, um, like, Just enough to let them know, like, or, or, and, and I really noticed that I got witty when my sister passed away a few years ago and people would say things and they thought that they were being kind.
And I would just look at them and think on what planet did you think that was kind. And instead of saying that, I would say that is so sweet of you to think of me. Because like, I'm in my head thinking what they're saying is not the sweetest thing in the world, [00:21:00] but like, you can tell by their face. So like, even if someone tells Bridget, she says like, you know, you're a beautiful, healthy shaped girl in their head.
I'm sure they think somehow it's a compliment. And so you might just choose to think like, man, that person is dumber than a boxer ox and has no idea what they're saying to me. And so I have a, um, a supervisor. At my day job. And he's young. And he said something like, uh, he said, I saw your old, uh, Instagram or Facebook, Instagram ads, like the, the posts, the videos.
And I said, Oh, and I'm thinking, Oh, was it, were they like almost silly, you know, or was I, you know, goofy or I didn't speak clearly or something. And he's like, you were really big. And I, I said, Oh, I said, okay. Cause I thought, well, I'm not getting into this. He can have whatever thoughts he wants. And then he [00:22:00] went on to tell me, no, like you were really big and kept saying it again and again and again.
And I looked at him. And I said, I can tell by your face, you think somehow that is a compliment. He was like, it is you're not anymore. And I said, you realize whether I was, or I was not, was not a problem for me. Like, and I'm not certain why it needed to be a problem for you, but like that right there shows like, It doesn't have to be a problem for me.
It can totally be his issue, no matter which shape it was. And so I just looked at him, I said, I think you're trying to give me a compliment here. And being a supervisor, you should probably be careful how you say things because like the way HR is these days, people go there all the time. So like, Just might want to be careful how you say that.
So yeah, just kind of putting that little boundary in place and I choose to do it with humor, of course, but like it was so eyeopening to realize that [00:23:00] I'm only responsible for my thoughts. So even if someone else is saying things. Even if they truly believe that I am terrible, or I have said or done something wrong, that doesn't mean I actually have.
And so in that being said, when that person said that to me, I, of course took so much offense in the beginning. And then once I stopped taking offense that I had done something wrong and how terrible I was, then I started putting all the offense on that person that they had done so much wrong. And then the more I.
I settled into that kind of emotional, I almost want to call it stability and responsibility. Then I started realizing there are absolutely good. I don't like how they gave me that information that I was a lot, but like, I love that they kind of could set their own boundaries for themselves that like in their anxiety, [00:24:00] they just needed less.
But they didn't say that to me. So like, if you're going to play in someone else's head, you always should get the best version of the story, which to me is that I'm sure they loved me and that they just, they just need a little less because of their anxiety, which is a way kinder thought than like, something's wrong with me or something's wrong with them.
And so, um, when you learn to neutralize some of that, Thoughts and some of that emotion that happens from truly just a circumstance. The circumstance was this person said something to me and then I had a thought about it. But as I learned to neutralize the circumstance, my thoughts kind of neutralize and I don't feel that need to eat over it anymore.
So if you happen to be a person who eats in response to stress or something like that. Yeah. Um, go up to the counter and they'll sorry, you're okay. So like if it happens [00:25:00] to be that you're a person who eats in response to stress, then that kind of thing could be very triggering. And so learning how to kind of neutralize that.
It helps. So, do either of you have any experience with something like that?
Well, I know that, um, when we did our group counts or I mean our personal, um, coaching, I thought I was just fine with my past self, but I am definitely not fine with my past self. Because there are just things that started popping up after we had conversations that it's like, Oh my gosh, my mind is really playing games with me as far as like telling myself things.
And, you know, um, then I watched the urges and things like that. And it's like, I do feel like I'm a little kid sometimes because as [00:26:00] adults. All our lives we've been told we can't have something. And now as adults, we're always saying, Oh yeah, I can have that because I'm an adult and nobody's taught me. I can't.
Yeah. Are you, are you, um, are you journaling or thinking through some of those thoughts? Or I am, I had to put it away for a little bit, but yeah, but yeah. It's like, okay, I'm going to come back to that for a little later. I went to a coaching course one time, and they talked about little T and big T traumas.
And so little T traumas, you know, they still get you triggered and like big T traumas. You think Like some really, I mean, you can just let your imagination run wild that like big traumas that you've heard other people go through, or maybe you've gone through and, you know, like it was a process to process it and to, first of all, to even accept it [00:27:00] and then to process it and understand it.
Like, it's just, it takes time. And sometimes those little traumas, Two are just as triggering. And, um, it's, it's amazing how they pop up when you don't think they've even bothered you anymore. And then you're like, where did that come from? And so, like, usually you can be like very loving with yourself and say, well, you know, it's just, it's something that happens from time to time.
And then as you know, that it's something that happens, like, was there something else going on? Was there, you know, was there a, um, was there a stress outside of this, you know, like somebody being sick, somebody in the hospital or, you know, a fight with your spouse or who knows what it is, but sometimes, you know, Especially like if it, if it's, um, something that would be somehow related.
So like for mine, I usually kind of have these thoughts of, am I enough? And so if I'm feeling insecure about something, [00:28:00] if I'm feeling like something's hard or like trying to figure out something and like, then something else happens, it's like all those. Not enough thoughts, all those insecurity type thoughts come rushing back.
And you're like, hold on, all of these are not true. I've already dealt with three quarters of these sometimes just understanding why they're there that like, well, because I'm stressed. And these are the thoughts I used to think like on repeat so often. And so just understanding that a lot of times it's like your brain gets permission to just let it go.
And so just not always getting rid of or even like stopping the thoughts, but just, yep. I accept that they come sometimes I totally understand where they came from. I've done the work to understand them. And then you just are looking for like, is there a new reason why it's there? And if not, it's just something old.
Um, I use the analogy a lot about driving the bus. You don't have to get rid of any [00:29:00] of the feelings or the thoughts that you have, but maybe you don't let that, that particular thought or feeling drive the bus. They got to move to the back. I've got a specific thought or a specific feeling that's driving the bus today.
And that's not one of them. So just take a seat in the back and you can come along for the ride with us. You know, Bridget says that she had someone say to her, after seeing a picture of her on Facebook, when she was thinner, They said, what happened to you? You look good in that photo. What happened? Um, you just can't fix stupid.
I don't know how else to say that. And people sometimes think that they're being kind or they don't understand how you take it. And the truth is it's still on you, how you take it. And so like in that situation, like I would be quick to be like, You know, I don't [00:30:00] understand, you know, why manners and politeness skipped over that generation there, but that particular person did not have a healthy dose of it.
Or sometimes I would, I would look at that and think, well, maybe they're having a bad day. And so like they were trying to make themselves feel better. And if that made you feel better, glad I could help, but all of it would always be on them. And, um, yeah, I noticed that what I've done is I've gotten a picture of what I feel is my best image of where I want to be.
And using that as a goal setter. I liked how I felt when I was Like this. There you go. In this picture, so make sure you hear the part you just said. Yes. I liked how I felt in that photo. Yes. And so the truth is it had nothing with how you looked in the photo. It's how you felt about yourself while [00:31:00] you were in that photo.
Yes. And so it's easy to think like at that time you were this size and that was why you felt so good about things. But the truth is it's your collection of thoughts that you were having in that moment created certain feelings and you liked those thoughts and feelings. And so you can re you can replicate those thoughts and feelings at any size.
It doesn't have to be that for you to tap into those types of thoughts and feelings that you have to be that size again, whether it's bigger or smaller, whatever it is, it's truly about just like, um, understanding that thought in that moment. And so that would be really some fun work. Like at that moment, what made me feel so good?
What was I thinking? How was I doing? What was I feeling like all the things and really piece that together. And then [00:32:00] how can I live that right now? Not even lose it anymore. Wait, the way, as you start loving yourself, as you stop overeating because of thoughts and feelings and that kind of thing, That weight will normalize, but like learning how to love yourself now, exactly as you are, that is huge stuff.
And so figuring out what thought you had, what feeling you had, what were you doing? What was it that made that moment so special that you're thinking now, as you look at that picture, that that's how you want to feel again. And it's, it's all in your thoughts and you can replicate those. All right, ladies, I will see you two next week and anyone else who hops on.
Um, and here's this as a public call. We do a public call once a month, so keep checking emails and make sure you're on our email list to find out when the next one is. See you later. Bye.
