Over the last couple of weeks.
We've been talking about what happens when food starts doing more than just feeding us.
We talked about stress and what happens when food feels like it's your only option.
Last week we talked about what nighttime eating and asking am I physically hungry and if I'm not what am I actually needing or wanting and I told you that sometimes the answer really can be I just want it.
You don't have to turn every cookie into a full blown therapy session of why, but it does help. So sometimes you just want the cookie. But this week I want to get curious about that phrase, I just want it.
Because sometimes, underneath, I just want it, is something that we don't recognize as fear.
So.
What if I don't get another chance? This is a form of food FOMO.
fear of missing out, and it doesn't always sound like I'm afraid I'm going to miss out. It sounds like, but everybody else is having some, or we're on vacation. This restaurant is known for this. It's super special, or somebody made this for me.
Or I have a client, I already paid for it, I got to eat it. She will intentionally order a side salad to not have anything extra because she thinks like it's wasting it. Or sometimes you will say, I don't know when or if I'll ever get to have this again.
And a lot of times it's not even that complicated, they just say, I just want it.
And again, you can, you can have it, but I want you to realize that wanting the experience and believing that you need to eat as much of it as possible are two completely different things. So sometimes that FOMO doesn't look like fear. Most of my clients don't tell me I ate the.
I ate that because I was afraid of missing out. They don't recognize it as fear. Sometimes they don't want to draw attention to themselves by being the only person not eating, and sometimes everybody else is ordering dessert. Sometimes there's food sitting out at a party.
Or sometimes it's a special restaurant or something homemade. It's something you don't normally keep in the house. Sometimes it's simply, I've got to get it while I can. I had an older brother growing up, and oh, I still have an older brother, but older brother growing up who.
who would eat everything as soon as it came in the house, so you had to get it while you could, and there can be all kinds of things underneath that I want to be included. I want the experience to have fun. I paid for this. I deserve it. I hear I deserve it a lot.
this is special, I might not get another chance, and I want to be really clear. Those aren't bad reasons, they're just reasons. I'm not trying to talk you out of any of them. I love food. I love trying things I've never had before.
I love going to special restaurants and trying what they're known for. I love going to a restaurant and asking, what is your most popular dish here? Or what's your favorite dish? And then just trying that.
I love when someone makes something for themselves, and I get to try it. They make it, you know, something homemade, and I get to try it. I love food. Food absolutely can be a part of an experience. I don't want to remove that. I don't want to remove it for me, and I definitely don't want to remove it for you.
I want to help you, though, figure out what part of the experience you actually want. You can have anything you want. If you've listened to me for a while, you've probably heard me say that. You can have anything you want. And I mean it. But sometimes we hear that and forget the rest.
You can have anything you want. That doesn't necessarily mean you're going to have it as often as you want, or as much of it as you want. That's not restriction. That's.
Good decision making.
Because when I stopped telling myself I can't have that, something really interesting happened. Food stopped feeling quite so urgent.
I used to experience the FOMO with food all the time, and so much of it came from years of dieting and restriction. If I ate something I wasn't supposed to have, there was this feeling of get it now, because tomorrow I'm going to make myself be good again.
Monday, I'm starting over or after vacation, this goes away. Those are all things I said. So once this was out of the house, I'm not buying it again. Remove the temptation by eating it. That's what I used to think. So of course, I wanted as much of it as I could get.
And I'd created that scarcity of it. So when I stopped saying I couldn't have something and started asking how, how could I have this?
How could I eat this? It changed everything. How could I have this and feel good in my body? How could I have this and enjoy the experience? How could I have it and continue losing weight?
I got really good at figuring those things out. And that's what I want for you.
Some things really aren't that rare. Sometimes one of the easiest ways to calm food FOMO is to tell yourself the truth. Store-bought cookie.
You can get another one anytime. The donuts someone brought into work, there are more donuts.
Even if it's grand old Chick-fil-A, it isn't disappearing tomorrow. You can literally drive there another day. Sometimes we act like a food is a once in a lifetime opportunity when it's available seven days a week within 10 minutes of your house.
And when you remind yourself, I can have this again, it puts the decision back into perspective.
Do I actually even want it?
Or does it just feel exciting because it's here?
Would I go out of my way to get this if it weren't sitting in front of me? That's a good one. Would you put a little effort into going to get this? Is it that special?
Those are useful questions, not because we're trying to convince you not to eat. We're trying to take away the false urgency so you can actually decide.
Okay, but what if I really can't have it again?
Okay, let's talk about the thing that's actually special.
Maybe you're traveling, you're at a restaurant, you're probably never going to visit again. Someone made their grandmother's recipe. It's once a year. There's a food you've never tried. It's something genuinely you may not get another opportunity to have. That can absolutely influence your decision, and it does mine.
I would expect it to remember if someone who loves trying food.
has the opportunity to try something special, why wouldn't they? But even when something is truly special, there's still another question. How much of it do I need.
to have the experience of it that I want? Maybe the answer is the whole thing.
Great. Maybe it's half or a few bites. Maybe it's one bite. Maybe you can save it and savor it for a while.
I've learned that sometimes a bite gives me the entire experience I wanted.
I got to taste it. I know what it tastes like, I participated, I enjoyed it. I don't have to keep eating it until it's gone, or until I'm uncomfortable, to prove that I experienced it.
More food doesn't always mean more experience.
I think this is one of the biggest things I've learned. You are not necessarily going to have more fun because you ate more food.
You're not going to create a better memory because you stuffed yourself. You're not going to get more of the experience because you ate until your body hurt.
Actually, sometimes the opposite happens. Usually, the opposite happens. I'm so full that I'm miserable now. That becomes part of the experience. So, I've learned to think differently about participating.
Can I take a bite of someone else's?
Can I order it and take part, or even all of it home with me to have it? Can I split it with somebody? Can I enjoy the smell of it? Sometimes just walking by like I already know what the food's going to taste like, but just enjoying the smell when it's out and fresh and right there.
That's enough sometimes.
Or could I appreciate how beautiful it looks like? I love when they put the sugar on the desserts, and it makes it like sparkly like glitter. I can just truly enjoy it without having to have it sometimes the beauty of it, or.
Taste it so slowly when you do eat it that you can actually notice every texture, every nuance of flavor.
And then, can I experience the atmosphere at the restaurant, the conversation, the people? Because when I think about the memories that I've made around food.
Stuffing myself isn't part of something that lives on in my memory.
The whole thing of it all, the smell, the taste, the place, what we were doing, who was there, how I felt, the laughter, especially the people. I've gone to dinner with friends and family plenty of times.
I ordered an iced tea, not because I was being good and trying to behave.
Not because I couldn't eat, I just wasn't hungry, or maybe the food didn't excite me, or I… I just didn't want it for whatever reason. But I wanted to be there, I wanted the time with my friends or my family.
I wasn't missing out. I was there. The people were what I didn't want to miss. Participating doesn't mean.
extremes. So, this is where I think dieting really messed up our thinking. If you're not eating, you're missing out.
And if you are eating, you better get your fill, because who knows when you're going to let yourself do this again. Those aren't the only two options.
You can participate without overindulging, without being in excess, maximizing, if that's the word you like.
You can taste something without finishing it. You can share something or take it home, decide you're not even hungry, but this particular experience maybe is worth eating just a bit anyway. You can decide you'd rather not have it at all. You can decide, hear this, you can decide, maybe the first three bites gave you exactly what you wanted.
And if you're still hungry, you're going to maybe switch to something that's a little more nutrient-dense, if that's what you want. You get to decide everything with every single bite that you choose.
You get to decide that's freedom around food, not I eat everything whenever because.
I, I want, I…
I want… because nobody can tell me no, that's a rebellion. Freedom is, I know I can have anything, and I trust myself to figure out how I want to have it.
So, is it worth it? This is where my worth it question comes in. I ask it often to myself, to my clients. Only you get to decide. I talk about whether food is worth it a lot.
But only you can decide when something is truly worth it. I can't tell you. And worth it…
Doesn't mean is this food healthy enough or does it have too many calories, did I exercise today, have I been good, worth it means I'm intentionally considering the whole decision.
Because every yes is also a no to something else and consequences that follow. So if I say yes to staying up late, I'm saying no to some sleep. And I'm also saying I'm going to be okay with how I feel the next day. The consequence, right?
If I say yes to spending money here, I'm saying no to using that money somewhere else.
And food works the same way. If I say yes to eating more, when I'm already at enough, when I've already had enough, I'm maybe even full.
Maybe I'm saying no to feeling comfortable for the rest of the evening or I'm saying no to weight loss.
If I say yes to having this now, maybe I'm saying no to enjoying it when I'm actually hungry, guilt-free.
If I'm saying yes to trying something special, even though I'm not hungry, maybe I'm saying yeah.
The experience matters more to me today than some of these other consequences that we mentioned, and that can be worth it.
The point isn't that one side of the decision is always right. The point is, did you consider both sides of it?
What am I saying yes to? What am I saying no to by saying yes? And which matters more to me in this moment?
That's a real decision. I deserve to have normal foods. That's another version of FOMO I hear. Sometimes clients will tell me, I should be able to eat this. It's normal to eat dessert. I don't want to be the person who can't have something, or they'll even use my own words, kind of trying to use it against me.
You said I can eat anything I want. Yes. Yes, I did. And you can. But permission isn't the same thing as obligation to eat it. And don't make it an excuse to overeat and not take care of yourself either.
You don't have to eat something just because you're allowed to.
And you don't have to eat all of it to prove you're no longer restricting yourself. The whole point of giving yourself permission is that now you can make an actual decision. You're not choosing between I'm allowed to and I'm not allowed to.
You're asking, do I even want this?
I remember the first time that I had a bag of Skittles. It was a car trip, we were driving somewhere, and we got road trip food, I grabbed a bag of, um, Wild Berry Skittles.
And I had a few, and I thought, you know, I am always intrigued by the people who don't eat the whole thing as soon as they open the bag. I'm just gonna see what that's like. So I had, like, 2 or 3, and I rolled it up, and I put it in the cup holder.
I still had Skittles even on the return trip back home. I had Skittles at home later. I'm sure I finished the bag and at that point wasn't throwing things away like that yet, but I remember being so impressed with myself.
I didn't exclude the Skittles from the car trip. I had them. So, when you're asking, do I want this? How much of it do I want? What else do I want?
And not just, like, what other foods do I want, but what else in life do I want? What's the better choice that fits this moment? That's so much more useful. That's how you get to feel proud of yourself and have all the things that you want.
You can have the food and the weight loss. This is why I don't tell my clients they can't have things.
I don't want you to get really good at avoiding food. I want you to get really good at figuring out what you want and having it.
How could I have this? How could I enjoy it? How could I feel good in my body and participate in the experience?
how could I still support what I want, even long-term? Maybe you have less, or delay it, or you've heard me talk about leveling it up.
Maybe you eat exactly what you originally wanted, but you're thinking. Now you're thinking, you're deciding and learning, and every one of those decisions teaches you something.
This week I want you to notice when food feels urgent. I need to get it while I can or everyone else is having it. I'm never going to get this again. I don't want to miss out.
The classic, I just want it.
Don't immediately tell yourself no. Usually, I tell people, don't tell yourself no. I ask them, what am I afraid I'll miss?
Is it really the food? Is it the experience, the fun, belonging, the opportunity, getting your money's worth? Then ask, how much of it do I need to get what I want from this experience? And finally, what am I saying yes to and what am I saying no to by saying yes?
And then just make a decision.
Don't make yourself guilt-ridden over the decision. Just make a decision, whatever it is. And this doesn't have to be the best decision you've ever made of your life, it's just the next decision. It's the next level of a decision.
Maybe it's worth every bite. Maybe one bite gives you everything you wanted. And maybe you realize you don't actually care about it very much. There isn't a right answer.
There's just your answer. And the more you practice finding it, the less food has to feel urgent, because you know.
I can have anything I want. And even more importantly, this is the big one. I trust myself.
to figure out how I want to have it.
Next week we're going to talk about something that sounds a little different but is often connected with this idea of I deserve it because sometimes I deserve this isn't really about the food at all.
Sometimes it's connected to something so much bigger. What do I believe I have to do before I'm allowed to give something good to myself?
And that's where we're going next. So I will see you next week. If this sounds exactly like what you need help with.
Schedule a call. We will talk about what's working, what's not working, what we could tweak, how we could work together. Go to the website, www.coachingkara.com/freecall. Schedule a call. I would love to speak with you. See you next week. Bye.
