Welcome back. Last week we started talking about stress and what happens when food starts to feel like it's your only option.
We talked about how food really does work. It can comfort you, it can distract you, it can give you pleasure, it can give you a little relief when everything feels like too much. And I compared food to a hammer. A hammer is a perfectly good tool.
I don't want to take it out of your toolbox. I just don't want you trying to build the entire house with one. So, we're talking about weight loss. We don't… we don't want that to be the only tool. And so, with that.
This week, I want to take that conversation into a really specific time of day where I see this show up over and over again, nighttime.
Because I hear women say things like, I've got to stop eating all this junk at night, or I do great all day, and then at night I blow it, I need to stop snacking, I have such a sweet tooth, I can't have any of this kind of stuff in the house.
But I don't think the first question we need to ask is, how do I stop eating at night? I think the first question is, what is happening at night that keeps…
making you want to even eat? Because those are two very different conversations. You may not realize nighttime is the pattern.
A lot of my clients don't initially come to me saying, I have a nighttime eating problem, Kara. They tell me about the food, the chips, the sweets, desserts, you know, the junk food, and that's why they think things need to change. But then, we start paying attention. When are you actually eating these things? And very often, it's at night.
Dinner is over, so we know they're not even physically hungry.
The kitchen should technically be closed, right, is what we call it, according to every diet you've ever been on. So you're not physically hungry, and yet you want something.
That's where I want us to get curious instead of immediately deciding I need to stop doing this because maybe the food isn't actually the first thing we need to understand first.
Are you physically hungry? This is where I want to start. This is always where I want to start with my clients. Are you physically hungry? Not, should you be hungry? Not, it's after 8, am I allowed to be hungry? Not…
Not even, didn't I already eat enough, you know, calories throughout my day? There's no guilt and shame here. We're not trying to guilt ourselves to not eat.
We're trying to just check in, be caring. What is it that we think we might need? Are you physically hungry? Because sometimes the answer is yes. Maybe dinner was 4 hours ago, or you didn't even eat enough at dinner. Maybe you didn't eat enough all day long.
I see that one. You were busy. You grabbed something small, and then you skipped lunch. You were trying to be good, and you weren't paying attention. Then at nighttime your body is like, Hello! I still need food. So if you're physically hungry, that's useful information. Being hungry at 9 Pm. Doesn't mean that you've done something wrong.
Your body doesn't know that somebody once told you to stop eating. The kitchen closes at 7 PM, so if you're hungry, eat.
But what gets really interesting is when the answer is no, I'm not, I'm not really physically hungry. Okay, then what are you actually wanting? What's going on?
So wanting food isn't always hunger. It's not always a hunger issue. That's something that surprises people. They've never really separated the I want to eat from my body needs food, that hunger. The urge to eat has always just meant eat.
it feels so similar that they've never stopped to ask whether it could be coming from somewhere else. So, when they start practicing physical hunger, sometimes there's this moment, wait!
I'm not hungry, but I really want something. It's confusing to them so good. Now we have some information, and notice I didn't say, and then you eat.
I said, now we have information so that there's a huge difference, because now we can ask, what am I actually wanting? Maybe you just want it. Sometimes the answer really is, I just want it sounds good. I know it would taste good. I just want it. I've had clients tell me that.
So why do you want the snack? I don't know. I just want it. Okay, that's allowed. Maybe dinner wasn't.
satisfying, it wasn't delicious. Maybe your husband is eating something, and now that sounds good to you, too.
Maybe you remembered that there are cookies in the cabinet. You sat down, and you're like, ooh, those cookies, those sound good. So maybe you're watching TV, and this is a routine you normally have. Popcorn. Hold on a second.
All right, I left you watching TV. Maybe you're watching TV and popcorn sounds amazing.
So not every desire for food needs a deep psychological explanation. Sometimes cookies just sound good, but even then I want you to realize.
Wanting something doesn't remove your ability to decide whether or not you eat it. You can want it and eat it. You can want it and have less of it.
You can want it and decide that you'd enjoy it tomorrow more when you're actually hungry. You can want it and decide you don't actually want it enough.
to eat it.
So we're not trying to make the wanting disappear. We're practicing making a decision while wanting is there.
But sometimes it's bigger than the snack.
And then there are the nights where the food is doing something else for you. You've been working all day. You've taken care of people. You've answered questions, all the questions. You've solved problems and made dinner, cleaned something. Maybe you drove somebody somewhere and.
you've been available, available, available, available, and then, finally, everybody leaves you alone, right? The house gets quiet, you sit down, and you think, now I get to do something for me, and what is it?
food. Maybe it's ice cream or chips or chocolate, whatever your favorite go-to is. Maybe it's whatever you've been saving all day, because this is your moment.
And I think that's important, because if that's what's happening, taking away the snack doesn't usually solve the problem.
Now, you're the woman who spent the entire day taking care of everybody else, attending to everything and everybody else, and somebody took away the one thing she was looking forward to, if we take away the food.
No wonder that doesn't feel sustainable, so this is what I do for me. Sometimes nighttime food is the only part of the day that feels.
indulgent, like something for you. It's your reward, your comfort, your transition, your decompression, a little pleasure, a little bit of peace.
The day is finally over and nobody needs anything from you for, I don't know, five freaking minutes, right? So of course you're protective of that. And sometimes.
That isn't even about what happened today. It may be a pattern that's been happening for years.
Maybe you've spent a long time putting yourself last.
Maybe you're really good at anticipating what everybody else needs. You're good at caring for people. You're good at getting things done.
But you haven't had much practice in asking yourself, what do I need?
until nighttime, and it might not be nighttime for you. I have a client. We just talked about this yesterday. It was afternoon eating. So I'm saying nighttime, because that's the one that's most common. But maybe for you it's afternoon, and then your brain has an answer ready.
I need something good to eat. That's what I'm going to do for myself. Again, food isn't doing anything wrong here. Food has been doing a job, a good job. The question becomes now, is that the only way I know how to do this job?
Don't just take away the thing that works. This is where diets get this wrong so wrong. Don't snack after dinner. Get the junk food out of the house, brush your teeth. That sounded like a helpful tip. Close the kitchen, drink some tea. You don't eat after 7.
And listen, if one of those things helps you, and it works, and you like it, fine, great, love it. I love an easy answer.
But I want to know, why were you eating in the first place? Because if you were eating because you're physically hungry, brushing your teeth isn't.
It isn't going to work.
If you're if you're eating because you haven't had 5 minutes to yourself all day.
Herbal tea doesn't magically create a life where you matter.
And if you were eating because you were exhausted, maybe, girl, you need some sleep.
Some comfort, some support, praise, pleasure, relief, something. Don't eat doesn't give you any of those things. It just takes away the tool you were using. Remember the hammer I said? I'm not taking it away. We're adding tools. So what happens if I don't eat? That's the question.
Um, it's a question I love exploring with clients. What do you think would happen if you didn't eat?
I don't necessarily mean asking yourself this while you're standing in front of the pantry having an internal battle over that bag of chips.
We can talk about it when you're not in the moment. What would happen? What would happen if you didn't eat? What would happen if you just felt deprived a little bit? What would happen if you felt a little annoyed? Or would you feel like everybody else gets what they want and now you can't even have this?
Would you keep thinking about it? Would you feel bored?
Would you have to feel whatever you were trying not to feel?
Is that what would happen?
Would you feel like the day ended without anything for you, anything good for you?
That's useful, useful information because now we're starting to understand what that food represents, and once we understand that, we can ask a much better question than simply, how do I stop eating at night? We can ask.
How do I start giving myself more of what I actually need?
Maybe you need more than food.
Maybe you need that comfort, or what actually feels comforting to you. Maybe you need support. Who is supporting you, girl? Maybe you're exhausted.
Could you go to bed instead of trying to squeeze in two more hours of TV watching?
Maybe you need some praise.
You can start recognizing what you did today instead of waiting for someone else to notice and tell you.
Maybe you need some pleasure. Okay.
Where else is there pleasure in your life? How much pleasure do you get in your life that's not part of food?
And I'm not asking this because I want you to replace the brownie with a bubble bath.
If you want the brownie, have the conversation about the brownie.
I'm asking because I don't want a brownie to have the enormous responsibility of being the only pleasure, the only pleasurable thing that you did for yourself all day long. That's a lot to put on a brownie.
What would change if taking care of yourself wasn't something that waited until 9 p.m. to do?
So sometimes you still want the snack. Let's say you do all of this. You're not hungry, you know you're tired, you're probably…
you… you know you probably want comfort. You know the ice cream isn't actually going to give you more sleep or solve your stressful day, and yet you still think, yep, I want the ice cream. Okay.
Now we decide intentionally, right? Now we decide intentionally. How much? How much sounds good?
Would I, do I need it today or could I have it tomorrow?
Would I enjoy it more tomorrow if I had it when I was hungry? Maybe I could do it differently. Would a smaller amount give me the same thing I'm looking for? Do you want exactly what you originally planned to have?
So again, there isn't one correct answer. I want you to make the decision. It's a conversation you have with yourself where you make an intentional decision, because that's how you build trust that you can figure this out at any time.
These are the moments that matter. One of my favorite things happens when someone who's been eating automatically for years experiences this for the first time.
She pauses. Maybe she realizes, you know what? I'm not even hungry. Maybe she still wants the food, and then she makes a choice.
It might be that she waits.
Or maybe she decided to have it tomorrow. Maybe she does have some, but she doesn't have as much of it as she normally would. And maybe she eats exactly the amount she wanted of what she wanted.
But hear me, she decided. It was very intentional. It was a decision, an active decision that she made.
And this is truly my favorite part when a client who didn't even realize she had a choice makes one and really supports.
what she wants. She comes to me so proud of herself, whether she ate the food or whether she put it off and, you know, chose to do it a little more intentionally tomorrow and focus on weight loss. It doesn't, there's not a right answer, but she comes to me so proud of herself. You would think she just solved all the.
problems of the world, especially for her weight loss. And honestly, in that moment.
I understand why it feels that big because she just discovered she has the power. I can do this differently. Not I was good or bad, but and not I resisted the food or I followed your rule. She realized I had an urge.
to do what I always do. And then I had a choice.
I had a choice.
That's huge because now we're building confidence just one decision at a time.
These are the moments that matter. Pride is bigger than the snack. I want you to feel proud of yourself.
But…
not only when you don't eat. That's important. I don't want us accidentally creating another diet where I didn't eat the cookie means I'm good, or I ate the cookie means I'm bad. I want you proud because you paid attention. You noticed.
You asked yourself what you needed. You got to decide for yourself. You made a great decision for you in that moment. You considered what mattered, and then you made that intentional decision.
Sometimes that decision…
you're proud of might be not eating this tonight, and sometimes it's not eating as much, or not having the whole thing. And sometimes it is having the whole thing, and just simply liking your reasons.
The pride isn't just in what you ate, it's in knowing I showed up for myself.
So 4 questions for tonight. So if nighttime eating is something you struggle with, I and again, if this is afternoon eating or weekend eating, it all applies. Same kind of deal applies. I'm talking today about nighttime eating, because a lot of the women I work with it's.
the nighttime eating. So, if nighttime eating is something you struggle with.
I don't want you starting tonight with, I can't snack. I want you to start with curiosity. Ask yourself, am I physically hungry?
If not…
What might I really be wanting or needing? And then what decision can I make that supports me?
Finally, I want you to ask, how can I take care of myself in this moment and still be proud of myself today, tomorrow?
Maybe the answer is food, and maybe it's not. Maybe tonight you don't know. That's okay. You're learning. You're asking the questions. The goal isn't to become perfect at nighttime eating. The goal is to understand yourself better, so that.
Because when you…
The more you understand what you're actually asking food to give you.
the more options that you can put out for yourself, the more tools in your toolbox. And every time you make a decision, instead of automatically doing what you've always done, you reinforce.
I've got this. I can figure out what I need. I've got my own back.
So next week, we're going to talk about another reason we eat when we are not necessarily hungry. I don't want you to miss out.
That's what it is. I don't want to miss out. So I don't want you to miss out next week when we talk about not missing out because.
Food FOMO doesn't always look or sound like fear. Sometimes it sounds a lot more like I just want it. Or when am I ever going to get this again? And we're going to talk about how you can fully participate in an experience, an event.
without believing that you have to maximize the amount of food that you eat to get the most out of it. I'll see you next week. If nighttime eating keeps.
feeling out of control. If you're listening to this thinking, yes.
I do great all day, and then nighttime comes, and I can't figure out why I keep doing this. This is exactly the kind of thing we can look at together on a free call. We're not just going to talk about how to make you stop eating snacks. We'll look at what's actually happening.
Are you hungry? Are you exhausted? Are you restricting all day? Is nighttime the only time that you're doing anything for yourself? Is food meeting a need that you haven't quite figured out how to meet anywhere else for yourself?
Then we're going to start figuring out what would actually support you. You don't have to have the answer before we talk. That's what this conversation is for. You can find the link to schedule your free call in the show notes or go to www.coachingkara.com/freecall.
I'll see you next time. Bye.
