2023 - 2:14 Valentines Special w: Kristi Falany Public Podcast
===
[00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the concierge weight loss podcast. My name is Kara Hackleman, and I'm a certified life and weight loss coach. I help people just like you lose weight for the last time. Are you a little people pleasing, a little procrastinating, and maybe a little perfectionistic? Do you eat when you are not even necessarily hungry?
I can help you overcome that so you can finish losing weight and get out of your own way. Join me each week to get a little motivation and a lot of inspiration.
Hi, I'm Kara Hackelman, and you are listening to Concierge Weight Loss. For Valentine's, I wanted to give you a special treat. So, I interviewed Christy Fellaini and she is a coach for midlife women. She focuses on the connections in all the relationships. We talked about identity and dreams. We talked about all the different type of [00:01:00] relationships.
We talked about weight loss. We talked about all the things. So I can't wait to share her with you and check out all of her links in the morning. I have Christy Fellaini on here with me and she is the midlife women, um, coach. And I, I will let you, uh, complete that phrase cause I saw it a couple of different ways.
So if you had to tell somebody, Christy, who you were, what would you say? What do you do? Yes. Um, I am, I like to call myself the reinventor at midlife. Um, because that is actually, you know, the path that I have been on for, I would say, um, about the last 10 years. Um, but officially I work with midlife women who really want to strengthen their connections In their most important relationships, um, [00:02:00] something that I have found, um, in my own life, you know, this last year I did turn 50.
So I am right there at that midlife point. Um, but something that I have found with my clients is that they really are struggling with connection this second half of their life, you know, which could Potentially be the best half in the fact that we've already done all the work, you know, we've raised the children.
We've had the career and a lot of us are at that point now that we're at empty nest and we're able to really create the life that we really want. And in, so In doing so, you know, we really, um, feel like we're struggling with connection connection with having friends, you know, to do this part of our life with, you know, um, [00:03:00] a lot of times I'm noticing in my own clients that they're having, you know, struggles with connection with their spouse.
You know, we've been together all this time and doing life together all this time. Now what, you know, that really great roommate. Exactly. Yes. Yes. That, that does often come up, you know, and then, you know, just the fact of, um, how their relationships change with their adult children, you know, I mean, because no longer do you have to be, you know, the mom.
That's constantly on point, constantly looking out for their wellbeing, you know, their relationships change because, you know, those young people are wanting, you know, to spread their young adult wings and just come into, come into their own. Yeah. So that's what I help midlife women do is create connections.
In their most important [00:04:00] relationships or reconnect sometimes to how, how much does their identity play into that? Cause I hear you talk about like the connections in the relationships, but some of like those circumstances that you were talking through, it's almost bringing up for me, like, is it even kind of defining their own identity?
As maybe that's where the reinvention piece comes in, you know, is that at this point in my life, you know, both of my children are grown out doing their own thing. And so I don't have to place my identity anymore. In being the mom, you know, and I don't have to place my identity in being the wife, you know, this is the time where I get to be me.
I get to decide the things that I really enjoy the things that, um, [00:05:00] I want more of, and that I want to create in my life. So yes, your identity does shift. And you have the opportunity to create exactly what you want at this time. So I work with weight loss. I work with, um, really high performing women, women who can do things in so many other areas, but weight loss is one of those areas that they seem to be like.
Yeah. And then, or that's how they come to me and explain, you know, I can do everything else. I just can't do this. Yeah. But sometimes what I'll hear is like, they don't even know who they want to be either. So in that like. You know, off the heels of that identity, you know, conversation here, like, how do you figure out who you even want to be when you're not sure who you are?
Yeah. So we start by, you know, just asking basic questions like, what is it that you enjoy? [00:06:00] And a lot of times we really don't know, you know, because we've spent so much time, you know, in that role of being mom, being wife. And so it really does take some, you know, a deep dive into, you know, allowing your dreams.
And to really think about, you know, the dreams that you may have just kind of put on hold, you know, while you were doing those other things, you know, as you were in that role, but just really taking the time to dream and to think about who it is you want to be, you know, I mean, and it could be anything like I decided at 45 that I wanted to be a runner.
And so I, you know, started a very long journey, you know, towards being a runner, you know, same thing like when the two of us decided that we wanted to become life coaches, you know, it was a, a [00:07:00] desire and, and, uh, uh, A dream that we had to be able to help other people to be able to, you know, to help other women that we identify with.
So it really just starts with allowing yourself to dream and decide what you want to create. I think that that is so great. I, I go back to this story. I have a client that, um, I had worked with. And when we first started even trying to figure out like what some of her goals would be, what, what did she want?
What did her dreams look like? And her only thing she could come up with is that like, she would like to just hang out on the couch with her spouse and eat a gas station snacks. And I, yeah. And like, you know, the coach in me is trying to stay open and okay. Well, if that's what you want, you know, and in my head, I'm thinking dream bigger woman, like this is not enough.
And [00:08:00] like, but for her in that moment, that was. That was what she thought was attainable. That's where she could feel like she was able to dream too. And so sometimes, um, even, uh, making space for that dreaming has to happen first, like, um, I know with, with my clients, sometimes they're. Enoughness comes up.
Um, some, you know, I always say I work with perfectionist people, pleasers and procrastinators, and then all the things that come along with that. And so enoughness comes up quite often. They're not. You know, capable of thinking beyond themselves because they're thinking they're not worthy or something like that.
And I'm imagining some of that probably comes up in some of your clients. They've devoted their lives to their spouse, their kids, the PTA, their work, whatever. And then like, what does that leave for them? [00:09:00] And are they good enough or worthy enough to even look into some of that? Or is it, um, what's the word?
Uh, oh, it's a simple word and it's totally out of my brain. Um, like, is it just asking too much? That's not the word I'm looking for, but like selfish, is it selfish? Simple words and you can't think of them. Is it selfish to even want more for yourself? Right. You know, in, in, um, as we, as I was listening to you, like something that came to mind is that, you know, like it's almost like when our kids were at home and when we were in that role, like we knew what direction we wanted to go in.
Right. We knew that. We wanted to be a good parent. We knew that, you know, that we were going to be a part of the PTA or we were, you know, the movement was, you know, to get the kids to college. Right. So it's [00:10:00] almost like you already knew what your direction was. And then when you get to this point in your life where that, where it changes, you know, where you take out the, the aspect of, well, I've been in my career that I don't have to strive for that anymore.
My kids are off doing their thing. I don't have to be in that role of being mom. You know, that a lot of times, We, we don't know what direction it is supposed to be, you know, and so we do keep it small because we're not even open to the fact, um, of what our reality could be. Yeah. Right. And so we have to really, and, and this is why I think coaching is so important is because as a coach, you know, we.
Open up their eyes to the things that they're not seeing, you know, we, we kind of [00:11:00] pop open that shell of girl dream bigger. There's more out there to life. Yeah. And, and, you know, and finding your rap, your relaxation and your restoration. Yeah. And hanging out on the couch, you know, I mean, there is so much more to this world that is out there.
And so I really believe that that, you know, that's why it's so important for us as coaches to kind of help guide our clients into seeing that. And I'll, in case she listens, I always have to say, and now she's a master certified life coach herself. Yeah. He has an amazing business and she's, she's creating more than she's ever thought she could dream of.
So. That is so awesome. That is so wonderful to hear. Her story always comes to mind. I love stories like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's [00:12:00] great. Um, what else? So like I had a couple points and we've, we've conquered those ones quick with our discussion. So what else are, are you really passionate about? Yeah. So, um, something, uh, um, something that I've just created, um, as part of my growth in my, um, coaching practice is, um, I developed a relationship Audit, um, and I, as I was going through this, you know, I just, one of the biggest things that I like to remind my clients of is how important it is to have fun.
And this was one of the things in my business that I just had so much fun with. It's called the relationship audit and it takes the client, um, or it takes that midlife person on a journey of like, Where are you at? [00:13:00] In your important relationships and allows them the, um, opportunity to think about, you know, like maybe where the holes are of, you know, I, we don't quite have this down, but I want more, you know?
And so this audit really just kind of takes them on a journey of looking at where they're at in their relationships and where they want to be. And the cool thing about it is that at the end of the audit, um, they also get like my top tips of these are some things that you can try and just kind of see where it goes.
See, you know, how it changes your relationship with that person. Um, and so that's like one of the things that, um, that I. You know, have been working on over the last couple of months is really implementing that, you know, as part of my, you [00:14:00] know, getting into the coaching world with Christy Fellaini type thing.
And something that I wanted to tell you is that, you know, when I visit your website, when I went to your website, I just absolutely loved your quiz. And I saw you took it. Yes. Yes. And, and I loved how it looked at every aspect of weight loss. And it looked at, it looked at weight loss at every angle of the things that we could have possibly tried, you know, and the things that we maybe tried and weren't successful at, you know, and I can tell you that.
You know, I'm one of those people. I am one of those people who, you know, had struggled with my weight, my entire life. It was something that, you know, had [00:15:00] consumed my thoughts and my beliefs about myself, you know? And so, um, looking at your, uh, quiz and just kind of seeing it from all the different angles, it really just kind of brought up an aha moment.
You know, and it made me think about like where my clients are at in their lives. And it made me think about my own journey and how much time my thoughts, my brain power went You know, went around how much energy I spent thinking about my weight. Yeah, thinking about not being enough because of my weight.
Yeah. So I really, I really enjoyed that. That was great. I had so much fun creating that [00:16:00] because the truth of it is, I really don't care if people ever lose weight. The only reason why I care is because that's the choice they made. That's what they've said they desire. And so I think that everybody is, is perfect the way they are.
Um, and I only, you know, Want you to lose weight if that's what you're wanting to do. Um, so when I designed that quiz, it was really to look at all the things that were causing overeating that had nothing to do with hunger. And so, um, when you clean all those areas up, then you're not. Eating. I mean, you, you always can have foods that you truly, truly love and eat them when you're hungry and when you do that, you're not eating to like, get rid of feelings you're not eating because you're like a habit or like, it's just become a habit to eat between activities or your, um, emotional or you don't know how to cope with [00:17:00] something or whatever the reason is.
And so, um, yeah, that quiz is called the next step quiz that you're talking about. And what I did was I tried to, like you said, address what, you know, what the eating might've looked like throughout your day. And like, what does your work life look like in your home life, your kids life, maybe your extra activities, all the different areas.
And then the next step. Um, and then the next step part of it that helps you figure out your next step. So part of it, figuring out where you're kind of sabotaging your weight loss app. And then the next step is what to do next. And every person's taken it said, I thought I'd get a diet or I thought I would get like a, you know, What I should or shouldn't have.
And that's. Not any of that part. Like I, I definitely listen to people when they're trying to figure out what they want their protocols to look like. And I have some guidance with that, but really the issue isn't, you know, like what foods you're eating. Usually I, I help people with learning how to, Listen to how their bodies [00:18:00] responding to foods to figure out whether or not that was a food.
Like if it's a food you like or you don't like that determines if it's a good or bad food. But other than that, does your body respond well with it? So if it's not responding, like you're in the bathroom for two hours after you eat. You might not want to keep eating that, you know? Yeah. And so that's kind of the only decisions on what types of foods, you know, is it serving what you're wanting it to do?
You said you were a runner. So, you know, you especially will figure out quickly, like what foods give you energy and which foods, you know, send you cramping early on. So you would eat. Right. For what your body's reacting to. But the part I help with is the emotional side of it. I always say it's the psychological stuff.
Like, why are you eating? And if it's for a reason other than hunger, then that's the part we need to figure out. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And, and what I love about that too, is, you know, [00:19:00] Once you figure that out, you know, once you're able to really notice that, you know, um, and be more mindful of it, boy, it just frees you up, you know, it frees you up for.
What it is that you want to create moving forward in your life, you know, I mean, like I mentioned, you know, earlier, the amount of mental energy that constantly thinking about food and, you know, and things like that, or, or my weight and, you know, Uh, I'm not where I want to be, you know, the amount of mental energy that is just freed up.
Once you start to notice those patterns that your brain is going on, taking you on. With so many times it was so many different clients. It's it's, you get them to where they start looking at how do they want to live their life after. And that [00:20:00] becomes motivation to do all the things now, but it also helps them kind of like we said with that identity and their dreams and figuring out, you know, the accomplishment of it.
And the rest of this kind of comes along for the ride. Yeah. This part all gets cleared up as you're focusing on who do you want to be? What do you want your dreams and your goals to be? And I would say almost every client I work with very quickly realizes weight loss is a blip on the radar. They're looking quickly beyond and into all the other things, but it's like the weight loss is the thing that they're so concentrated on.
Like you said, and they, they it's the block, it's the roadblock that they cannot even figure out how to get like, Their thoughts to go beyond it. And so, like, well, I'll have, um, uh, pretty often in coaching, I'll ask, you know, like, what, what is the you at goal thinking or [00:21:00] doing or feeling or something like that?
And they always come back to what they have to get past right now. And I'm like, I understand, but like, what are they doing and what are they thinking? Not, what are they not doing? So in the beginning, you know, we kind of have to play through that too, but eventually like figuring out, well, what are you doing?
Like what lights you up then? And what are you focusing on? Cause as you said, like when you're not taking all this time to focus on food and your weight and all of that, what's left, so like, yeah. You got a figure out what you want to fill that time with. What are you looking forward to? Yeah, because, you know, it's just our natural, you know, human pattern to go towards the negative to go towards the things that we're not doing.
You know, I mean, our brain has just been in that pattern, you know, All this time until you really become more aware of it, [00:22:00] you know, that you're able to look at, you know, at both sides, you know, both, what are you doing, but really what are you doing? And what could you do more of to get you to where you want to be to what you want to create?
Yeah, definitely. Yeah. This was so fun. Yes, this really has been a lot of fun. Yeah. Um, so as I'll, I mean, this will be out on my podcast and blog and all that. And so I'll definitely put your contact info in the show notes and the link to that. To that quiz that you were talking about back to that quiz.
You had said that it was a relationship audit I I checked it out. I didn't get to take it yet. And I was um, Wanting a little more clarification. Is it on any relationship or just like your romantic relationship? Yeah, so when you click on it, [00:23:00] the first thing that it asks you is what is your connection style, you know?
so so it's like Thinking about like who am how? How do I enjoy connecting? Am I somebody who likes to be by myself? You know, am I someone who finds myself, you know, by myself most of the time? Or am I someone who really wants to be connected, who really feels like that is my, one of my, you know, basic human needs?
And then the third answer. Is, you know, Hey, yeah, connections important, but it's not everything. And then it takes you to the next question. And this is where you get to choose the path that you want to go on. And so, um, the question I believe says, um, if you could wave a magic wand, which relationship would it reflect?
And then the first answer choice is my spouse, my [00:24:00] friendships. My adult children or my relationship with myself. So you choose which relationship that you really want to audit. And so let's say for instance, you choose spouse, then it's going to ask you different questions about, you know, your current connection with your spouse.
Yeah. So it takes you on a different path. Yeah. Okay. I will definitely have to give that one a try. Yeah. Yeah. I had a lot of fun putting it together. And, you know, the biggest thing is that, you know, I just really want, you know, people, I want their outcome to be, you know, something that that's very tangible, that is easy to incorporate, you know, um, and the, you know, in their results, um, something that they can try to see those quick results and just really think about, like, If this helps, what more can I do, you know, to get to really, you know, [00:25:00] hone in on that connection with that particular person.
All right. So I was trying to think of like a closing question for you and I, um, a fellow coach of ours posted recently about, um, a hundred, hundred year, I think it said kind of business goal. And I started thinking like, if you had to think in a hundred years from now, what is your legacy? Like, what do you want to leave behind or be known for?
What would you, how would you answer that? Yeah. Um, and I often think about that, you know, because for me, life coaching has always been on my radar, you know, wanting to help people just feel better about themselves has always been a Something that has motivated [00:26:00] me. And so my legacy is to continue to do this, to impact as many women as I can.
Um, and the biggest reason that this comes to mind, and it's a goal of mine is because. My mom didn't have that. Like that's one of the things that just kind of brings me back to why this is, why this work is so important, you know, and especially for midwife women, because when my mom kind of got to that milestone of that identity changing, she didn't know where to go with it.
And she didn't have the tools that we have now. And so if I am able to continue to grow in myself and keep that growth mindset that I just absolutely love, and I'm able to help [00:27:00] other midlife women to do that, then my legacy dream would be fulfilled. For every midlife woman to know that. They belong here that they belong in this space that their voice is heard, and they are meant to be here on this earth for a specific reason, and for them to just live their life.
Taking up that space, you know, because we're only here for a short amount of time and I just don't want anyone to waste time in, in the unknown. I want people to go out and create the unknown. Oh, that sounds like a quote right there. How people [00:28:00] go out and create in the unknown. Yes. Yes. Nice. Nice. Well, thank you, Christy, for coming on and talking with me today.
And I'll have all of your contacts and your, um, your quiz, if you want, all in the show notes. Yeah. That would be great. Yep. Sounds good.
Thank you for listening to the concierge weight loss podcast. Like what you heard today, leave a review or share with a friend and check out the next step quiz where you'll find what has held you back from lasting weight loss and what to do next. You will find the link to this and many other helpful podcasts and videos in the show notes.
I can't wait to see you there.
