Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.
I am Kara Hackleman. I am Concierge Weight Loss, and last week, we kicked off our Burr Month series by talking about taking a vacation from your habits.
And we talked about this idea that sometimes what you really want when you say, I don't want to think about any of it is, is freedom. So you want spontaneity. You want to be able to change your mind. You don't want a decision that you made.
on a Tuesday morning, when you were trying to be good, deciding what Tuesday night was… has to look like.
So I told you then, a plan isn't a contract. Something changed. Great. We have new information now. You can make a new decision because spontaneity and intentionality are not opposites.
But that conversation brings us to something else I see happen quite often. You learn that a habit that's supposed to help you.
And then somewhere along the way, you turn it into a rule. That's where that contract came in, right? You turn it into a rule. You have to wait for hunger. You have to stop it enough. You have to drink your water or get enough sleep or move your body.
Plan ahead. All of those are tools that I teach. But if you are not careful, pretty soon they start sounding a lot like, I have to wait for hunger, right? I'm supposed to stop it enough.
I have to, I should with all of the things. And now something that was supposed to, like I just plan or I just move my body, I get more water, I pay a little more attention to my sleep and I prioritize these things.
Instead, now, something that was supposed to help you take care of yourself starts to feel like another diet rule.
hard, imposing, restrictive, right? So today, I want to talk about the difference between doing a habit because it's a rule, and understanding what the habit is actually meant to do for you.
Because those can look exactly the same from the outside, but they feel very different on the inside. So following the letter of the law. Last week I briefly mentioned the difference between following the letter of the law and understanding the intention of the law.
I want to spend more time there today. When you're…
When you're learning something new, rules can actually be helpful. Think about learning to drive. When you first started driving, you probably learned a whole bunch of rules.
Hands here, check your mirrors, turn your signals, you know, stop there, look both ways, stay this far behind the car in front of you, which I feel like I just told my niece the other day, a grown niece. And when you're brand new, you're thinking about all of it.
All of it, all at once. You're sitting there, gripping the steering wheel, you're checking the mirrors. Okay, now I gotta signal, now I gotta look, now I gotta turn, straighten back up, I gotta brake.
There are a hundred things happening all at once, but eventually.
You just drive. You still follow the traffic laws, obviously, but you aren't consciously reciting every instruction that maybe your mom or your dad or your driver's Ed teacher gave you. You've learned what you're doing. You've developed judgment.
you can respond to what's happening around you. I want to go back to that judgment, because sometimes we know the law is this. But this situation I need to speed up past the speed limit right? Because I it's emergency. I need to do this, or I need to.
Do something different, that's me using my judgment, so that's where I want you to eventually get with your habits.
you can respond to what's happening around you and use your judgment. So at first, maybe you need the instructions. Wait for the hunger. That's okay. You're learning, but the long-term goal isn't for you to spend the rest of your life thinking. Kara said.
Kara said I'm not allowed to eat until I'm hungry. That's a rule, that's.
a rule. So the intention is, I'm learning what physical hunger feels like. So I can recognize when my body actually needs food. Those are very different. One requires obedience. Do exactly what Kara says.
And the other builds a skill. So the habit isn't.
That's not necessarily the goal.
This is where I think we accidentally make habits much heavier than they need to be. We start believing that doing the habit is success. I drank my water today. Success. I waited for hunger today. Success. I followed my plan.
I worked out, and then the opposite, right? If those are where we get success, then I didn't drink my water. Failure. I ate before hunger. Failure.
Right? Failure. Straight to jail. That's what the new meme has been in the gym. When we drop our weights too heavy or we do something wrong. Straight to jail. So I hate. I ate before hunger would be straight to jail. I changed my plan. Straight to jail. Didn't exercise, whatever.
Now, every habit has become a tiny daily test of whether you're good at weight loss or not.
No wonder you're exhausted. That sounds exhausting to be tested that many times throughout the day.
The habit isn't the goal. Let me say that again. The habit isn't the goal.
The habit is helping you develop something.
Drinking water helps you learn what being well hydrated feels like and support your body.
Getting enough sleep supports your energy decision making, your overall well-being.
Planning, it gives you an opportunity to think ahead instead of making every decision when you're tired or hungry. The idea is it's supposed to make it easier, not harder or more complex.
Waiting for hunger, that helps you recognize what your body actually needs, when it needs food. And stopping it enough helps you learn what amount of food feels satisfying without leaving you uncomfortable or hungry again in an hour.
And then, you know, movement. Movement helps you become stronger, more capable, connected to your body.
All of these things support you, but none of them need to carry the entire responsibility of your weight loss.
There's not that much writing. On a bottle of water on a Tuesday. And if you don't drink enough.
on that Tuesday, guess what? Wednesday still exists. So, here's the toothbrush test. I used this example last week. I actually use it a lot, but I want to bring it back because it's such a good picture of what I mean.
Think about brushing your teeth. Why do you brush your teeth?
Probably because you want clean teeth, fresh breath, healthy teeth, and gum. You don't want to have to go to the dentist.
and have a filling, or a crown, or a root canal, or an extraction, right? That all sounds much worse. So we know, taking care of our teeth.
Keeps us out of there. It keeps us having a great smile. It helps us stay healthy. So you understand.
Whether you've thought about it or not, you understand what brushing does for you. So now imagine that instead of thinking about it that way, you approached brushing your teeth like weight loss.
This is gonna be funny. You wake up and think, okay, I have to brush my teeth today, have to, and then, and then you do, you brush them. Yes, I did it. I am so proud of myself. Day 4.
Then, one night, you fall asleep on the couch, and you forgot. You wake up the next morning. Oh, I knew I couldn't do this! Why can't I just be consistent? I was doing so good brushing my teeth every day.
And then maybe you don't brush them that morning either because, well, you already screwed it up last night. It sounds ridiculous, right, when we're talking about teeth.
It sounds ridiculous, right? But how often do we do exactly that with the habits that we're building around food and for weight loss, or for anything else, even?
The reason brushing your teeth doesn't require this much drama is because you understand this is something I do to take care of myself.
You aren't doing it to be good. You aren't earning anything or missing. It doesn't mean anything about your character. You simply know why it's useful. So when you miss it.
You return. You just do it. You do it again. That's what I want your weight loss habits to become, not things that you're constantly succeeding or failing at.
Just ways that you know how to take care of yourself. That's how we take care of ourselves.
So, but if I can change it, won't I just let myself off the hook?
But if I if I can, if I can change it.
Won't I just let myself off the hook? Now, I can already hear one concern, because when I tell people, you can adjust the habit, you don't have to do it perfectly. The habit isn't a rule. Please hear me.
Sometimes the immediate thought is, but if I give myself that much freedom, won't I just stop doing it?
If I don't have to wait for hunger, I'll eat all day.
If I don't have to follow my plan.
I'll change it every night.
Okay, if I don't have to work out, I'll sit on the couch.
Sometimes.
if I don't have rules, I'll just let myself off the hook. And I think this is such an important thing to notice, because…
Underneath that thought is, I don't trust myself.
I need rules to control me. I need a plan to control me. I need a diet to control me. Otherwise, who knows what will happen, right? But the goal of the work we're doing isn't to create a better set of rules.
That finally controls you enough to get you weight loss. It's to build your ability to make decisions.
And yes, sometimes you're going to make a decision that doesn't move you towards your weight loss goal.
You might decide to eat before you're hungry, or you might eat beyond enough. You might change the plan because you want pizza instead.
Uh, it might feel easier. You might decide that you're not gonna exercise today. That's not evidence that freedom doesn't work. That's part of learning how to use it.
The question isn't, the question isn't, did I obey the rule? The question becomes, what happened when I made that choice?
Did I like it? Did I like changing my mind about that or not doing the thing? How did I feel about it?
Would I make the same choice again? Was it worth it?
Did I actually give me what I thought?
I wanted or needed? Did it give me what I thought it would? What might maybe I do differently next time, or you know.
That's how judgment develops. That's how confidence develops. That's how self-trust develops. Not because you always make the right decision, the perfect decision, but because you learn from the decisions you make.
When I'm coaching people, I often say that we are either winning or learning. And so, I don't say failing. I don't say we messed up. Uh, I say we're winning or learning, because anything that wasn't.
the win, the, you know, the easy success means that we have something to learn from it. And so that sounds just as positive. Failure sounds terrible. And when we think of it in right, wrong, good, bad, you know, failing or succeeding.
That's very black and white. I have a client that I've coached… actually, I've coached many clients on this, but there's one right now that's come to mind more recently, and they… they lost their confidence.
They got off of their kind of routine of their habits, and then it felt like everything was wrong. I said, you didn't forget any of the things that you were doing. You didn't forget how you did it before. Like, what, what, what are you not doing right now that you.
were doing then, when everything was happening. It was one thing, one thing, but the one thing that.
[Kara Hackleman] 09:31:47
they needed to do, they totally forgot, because they were thinking about everything was not right, everything was wrong, and then they got into this like decision fatigue, this like this, this paralysis. They couldn't make a choice because they were looking for. That's what I should call it. Perfection paralysis, because.
They were looking for the perfect, the perfect decision, the perfect choice, that perfect thing that then would make everything else done or easy or figured out, that that was how they were going to get permission.
we gotta step back again, gain our confidence back. I know how to make a choice, and if I make…
The choice I don't like, a quote, wrong choice, not a bad, a failing choice, but like the one that I didn't necessarily want, I get to make another one. And so it's, I've said so many times, it's never too late to save today because we don't have to wait till tomorrow. That's what she said. I'll just.
Do different tomorrow. No, make the next, the next, the next best decision today. Save today. In one moment you get to do one little thing, and that saved the rest of the day. That's all you have to do. So the intentions behind the habits. Let me get back on track.
Let's take some of the habits that I teach and look underneath them.
When you wait for hunger, the rule version sounds like I cannot, I can't eat until I'm hungry. But the intention is that I'm learning to recognize when my body needs food instead of automatically eating because food is available.
because it's noon, or because I'm bored, because I'm stressed, because everybody else is eating.
Does that mean that you're never allowed to eat when you're not physically, fully physically hungry? No, sometimes you may still choose to. Maybe you're going somewhere and won't have another opportunity for hours. That's, you know, the next best decision.
Maybe it's a special experience and you would really feel like you were missing out if you didn't get to have some of whatever the thing was that made it special.
Maybe you simply decide, I don't care, I want to. Right now, I'm deciding I want that. And the skill is knowing the difference, though. So the skill is knowing… skill of the habit, right, is knowing I am physically hungry, or I'm just choosing.
Oh, hit my microphone.
choosing when I'm going to do it anyway. So, the skill is knowing the difference. Stopping it enough. Let's talk about that one. The rule version. I'm supposed to stop as soon as I'm satisfied.
And now you're sitting there analyzing every bite and trying to find the exact moment that you're supposed to stop and what does satisfied actually mean and arguing about it, right? I know because people argue with me all the time and I think, why are you arguing about this?
Just make a choice. If it's going to change, it'll change. It's not a big deal.
That's not what I want. The intention is…
I'm learning. I'm learning what different amounts of food feel like in my body. It's that simple. I'm just learning what different amounts of food feel like in my body. Maybe today you stop it enough.
Maybe another day, you intentionally eat beyond enough, because the experience feels worth it.
Um, I, I mean, I, I know we're getting the burr months, we're getting into, you know, holidays, and I hear often that people want to go to Thanksgiving and, and they plan to overeat. Great, let's plan it and then figure out what, what we're going to do with it, you know? Maybe you don't notice enough until you're already past it.
That's still information. You are learning.
All right, planning is one, a big one, that people often are like, I can't get it right. So the rule version would be, I wrote it down, so now I have to eat it, or they'll say it's the only thing I can have.
So, we talked about this last week. The intention is, I'm giving myself an opportunity to think ahead, support the version of me who will be making this decision later.
It's easier to make the decision ahead of time than in the moment when you're tired. It's easy to already have it, have it planned or prepared or available, and when later comes.
Sometimes…
That later version of you, she still gets a vote. You know, plans change. That's the kind of thing. So you made a plan for that best moment that morning, and then you're going to make a plan every single time you decide to eat. You're just making another plan.
And sometimes the plan is to stick with the original plan and sometimes it's to upgrade the plan. You didn't even know something was better and available. And sometimes you're like, it's worthy. This is the moment I'm going to just, you know, maybe I had grilled chicken planned and now I'm going to have pizza.
You get to make that plan. You get to make it and change it.
Water. The rule. The rule is, I have to have 64 ounces every day, but the intention is to want to keep your body hydrated. When you do, people say, like, I feel like I function better with it. My brain works better with it.
And you know what? I've noticed that, typically, I feel better with 80 ounces. So, I… I wasn't even giving myself the opportunity when I was struggling, you know, or…
really being rebellious is what I was with the 64 ounces other days. You know I have 40. I don't usually feel as good, but like I, I'm looking at, how do I feel each time and kind of reassessing. I get to make that decision again and again and again, with all the new information that I have each time.
Either way, you haven't become a different person because you drank 40, 64, or 80 ounces. You're the same person. You're just figuring out what works best for you.
With movement, I have to work out this many number of days or else I'm not being consistent. The intention is just to move your body. I want a body that's strong and capable, supported by regular movement. That can look different depending on the day and the season of your life.
When I started CrossFit, it was not to be able to do all the crazy things that I do now. It was truly just that I didn't get osteoporosis like my mom. So when you say that you have a rule that you have to weigh so much, you have.
I have to lift so much weight.
It's just different. So let's not talk about the rule. We're talking about the intention. So rules ask, did I do it correctly? Did I do it right? The intention is, how can I take care of myself here or anywhere? So sometimes you need to make.
Smaller habits, yes, I'm saying you have permission, right? Here's where this becomes really practical. If you're constantly avoiding a habit, don't immediately decide that I'm lazy or I don't want it badly enough.
Instead, just get curious. Why does this habit feel so heavy? Why is it too much? Are you trying to do too much?
Maybe you picked five habits when really you only have the capacity to practice one or two. Maybe your definition of the habit is too big.
So maybe sometimes that you've decided on a movement and the movement means that it has to look like 45 minute workouts when right now, honestly, 10 minute walk is probably the version you're actually capable of consistently practicing.
So maybe planning means writing down every single thing you stick in your mouth. You're going to eat tomorrow when all you really need right now is to decide what's for dinner. So like, instead of writing everything down, instead of bogging yourself down, just write down what's for dinner tonight.
Let's see, let's do another one. Maybe you're trying to perfectly stop at enough at every meal.
You're trying not to overeat, right? When you're still learning how to even recognize what enough.
is in the first place.
So make it smaller. You're allowed to. You're not watering down weight loss. You're building capacity.
So think about learning to walk. Nobody looked at you when you were learning and said, okay, walking only counts if you can make it a mile.
As a toddler, you stood up, you fell. You held onto furniture, you took a step, you fell again.
And everybody thought you were doing amazing. You didn't know how to do it yet. And you practiced. The fact that something takes effort while you're learning, it doesn't mean it's unsustainable. It means that you're learning.
So do your best with where you are. This is something I want you to hear because I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to perform at the level that we think we should be capable of.
But what if you started with where you actually are? Not with where you think you should be, not what somebody else can do, not what you were capable of three years ago.
Not even what you'd be capable of if work wasn't crazy and the kids weren't busy and you got to sleep every night for 8 hours where you are today.
What do you want? What do you need? What are you capable of right now? And what would taking care of yourself look like from here, this place?
Maybe the answer isn't your best possible choice, it's the better choice that fits this moment.
That's still growth, because sustainable weight loss isn't built by constantly proving how much you can force, hear me say that, force yourself to do it.
It's built by learning how to care for yourself well enough, often enough, that those choices.
like the toothbrush.
become part of who you are. So, from I have to do this, to this is just what I do. Eventually, this is where I want us to get. Not, I have to drink water because I'm trying to lose weight, but I do, I drink water because I feel better when I'm hydrated.
Now, I have to wait for hunger, again, for weight loss, but I like knowing when my body actually needs food.
Not, I have to stop eating.
But I know what amount lets me enjoy my meal and still feel good afterwards. Not I have to plan every single thing, but thinking ahead makes my life so much easier.
And not, I have to exercise, but moving my body is just, just one of the ways that I take care of it.
That's a completely different relationship with a habit, and you're probably not going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly feel that way about everything. Remember, you're learning. At first, you may need the instructions, then you practice, then you understand it, and then you adapt.
it, right? This is that, um, decision-making process. You get to adapt it, and then eventually, it becomes yours. So, this week.
Here's what I want you to do this week. Pick one habit that you are currently working on. Just one. Don't go crazy. Don't make it all or nothing, right? Not all of them, just the one. And ask yourself, have I turned this into a rule?
Listen to the language that you're using. I'll hear words like, I have to, I'm supposed to, I should, I need to be better at this, I can't mess this up.
And then ask, what is the actual intention behind this habit?
What is this actually helping me learn? How does it support me, or how is this a way of caring for myself? And finally, what would this habit look like if I did it from self-care instead of pressure?
There was no wrong way to mess this up.
How would that look? So maybe the behavior didn't change at all. You still drink the water, you still wait for hunger, you still plan dinner. But the reasons you're doing it maybe changes and sometimes the behavior will change. Maybe you make the habit a little smaller.
Um, or adjust it to fit the day. And maybe you realize you're trying to follow the letter of the law when the intention could be met in a different way.
That's okay. The goal isn't to become someone who follows the rules really well. You're probably already spent enough of your life trying to do that with food.
Most of the people I work with have practiced weight loss for longer than their careers.
The goal is to become someone who understands herself well enough to make choices that take care of her.
Your habits aren't rules, they're not tests, they're not proof that you're good at weight loss, and they're definitely not something you need to earn a vacation from.
They're skills that you're practicing, tools that you're learning to use, and eventually, they're simply… simple…
Eventually, they're simply ways you know how to take care of yourself. Couldn't get that one out. Last week, we talked about being able to take these skills with you when life changes. And this week, I want you to start understanding why you're taking them with you in the first place.
Because once you understand the intention behind the habit, you don't have to cling so tightly to the rule. You can trust yourself to use the skills. So, if you need to talk.
Let me help you. Let's talk through this. Tell me what you've been doing. Tell me what you feel like you're kind of confident in, and maybe what you're not so confident in. Let's figure this out together. I want to make sure that you are doing it so that it becomes who you are.
Not something you have to do to lose weight. So, you might be doing the wrong things. You might be doing too much. I don't know. Let's talk. Go to coachingkara.com/freecall, and get a free call with me, and we'll figure it out together. Bye.
